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Columns:
Hugh Fox (renowned poet)
Ben Hunter (The Medveds)
Brian McCaffrey (Bad Lieutenants)
Douglas A. Waltz (author)
Steve Barker (author)
The Rakish Cad (advice columnist)
Denis Sheehan (doucheface)
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Flash contributors:
Timothy Gager (Boston poet)
Ed Charbonnier (Kermit's Finger)
Brian Mosher (writer)
Greg Oguss (musician/writer)
Richard Nesberg (writer)
And more…
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The zine runs 48 pages (entertaining cover to
entertaining cover).
Also jam packed with dvd, music, and book reviews! Plus the usual
nonsense found in Askew's pages.
Order now via Paypal for a simply silly $3! (buy my book
and get it for free)
Or mail the money to the below address.
Cheers and thanks for your support,
Denis Sheehan
Askew Reviews
PO Box 684
Hanover, MA 02339
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5.2- Holy crap, time flies when yer busy. Though I promised not to
put up any reviews until after Askew Reviews 13 is out, I've been a
neglectful douche and shall post this CD
review. 13 is almost done.
As always, please check out my
book and buy the forkin' thing, already!
If you buy crap on Ebay, make sure you avoid user 'the-video-bin'
as they are frauds.
The weekend is upon us, what else is there to write?
4.18- Watched Juno the other day and failed to
see its appeal. Perhaps it’s because I am male and do not get into
dialog influenced by Dawson’s Creek…I find it amusing and entertaining
when competing politicians label the other as “out of touch” with the
people. Trust me, all politicians are out of touch with the people and do
not care about you or me beyond our votes…You will never see a better
television show’s finale than the third season of Battlestar Gallactica…I
really think Daniel Day Lewis is the best actor of our generation…Mike
Ness of Social Distortion is performing solo shows all over America,
except anywhere near the Boston area. Fyck…Forget about banning smoking
everywhere, let’s start discussing banning talking on cell
phones…Though an elected politician gets the last laugh, there is
nothing more pathetic than a running politician pandering for votes…I
recently started a book that I thought was nonfiction, but about halfway
through I discovered that it is actually fiction written like it’s
nonfiction. I suddenly find myself a lot less interested in the book, but
it is good enough to continue reading. I am not sure what I want to do
about it. Life is hard sometimes…I think I am going to write a movie
about a cannibal who likes Italian food and gorges on spaghetti and
testicles…Unless there is booze in it, I am not a big drinker of soda.
However, this red Mountain Dew stuff is damn good…If you want to know
how people feel concerning social issues, talk to them. If you wish to be
influenced, lied to, and dictated to, read a newspaper…Screw the rest of
my nonsense. Today is the best day, weather wise, so far of 2008…and it
is Friday. Enjoy the weekend! Oh, and check out my
book.
4.17- Since I am busy working Askew Reviews 13 and not posting new
reviews until after the print zine is out, here are links to some of 13's
contributors: Mighty Ben
Hunter, Brian
McCaffrey, Doug Waltz,
Hugh Fox (sorry, no link), Timothy
Gager, Brian Mosher, Greg
Oguss, Ed
Charbonnier, Richard
Nesberg,
Steve Barker, and The Rakish
Cad. Go give 'em hell!
4.7- Here's
a new review for my book, A
Nobody's Nothings.
4.4- Still working Askew 13 over here and also making great
progress on my second book. Since I brought it up, check out my
book.
I am a huge fan of pizza and a few months ago a Papa John's opened
in my town. Admittedly, I was all up for trying a new brand of pizza, but
everyone I talk to tells me Papa John's pizza tastes like the underside of
a dirty cow's even dirtier scrotum. What's a curious pizza fan to do?
Emmmmmm...Chinese food.
When he was elected Governor of Massachusetts almost two years ago,
I rambled here about what a dangerous, dangerous man Deval Patrick is to
the working folks, taxpayers, and law abiding citizens of The
Commonwealth. However, I must admit when I am wrong and I was wrong. Since
faux Governor Patrick took office, it has become evident his lack of
testicular fortitude and heart to actually carry out any of his ideas for
a "better" Massachusetts. True, he had a few ideas I championed
that he has also jellyfished, but I'll take the good with the bad. While
faux Governor Patrick is a great speaker and an avid use of some standard thesaurus,
he is far more interested in his own personal gain and what lies in wait
for him after his term has ceased.
Who says reviewing porn doesn't have its benefits? An executive
chef and I recently traded ten DVDs for the recipe of his amazing pasta
dish offered at an award winning and very popular Italian restaurant. Now,
I shall master it...
Last Tuesday night, I met up with Mighty Ben for some beers at the
venerable Solace on Boylston Street in Boston. On my train ride home I sat
next to an older gentleman, late 50s or so, who was tearing through some
stuff he had just purchased: reel to reel concert footage and 15-20 vinyl
lps. Now, I am not sure if what he had is only available in those two
formats as I've never heard of the bands, but I must write that, in my
opinion, vinyl records sound so much better than anything digital. Of
course digital recordings are far more clearer, easier to use, and comes
with all sorts of options, but vinyl records have a depth to them digital
just can not capture. Same goes for camera film versus digital cameras.
The depth can not be compared. I have no where to go with this, but it was
really cool seeing someone so happy and excited over that stuff while
surrounded by those using iPods, other mp3 players, etc. Of course, my
sole source of entertainment, drunk texting, was squashed by being in
tunnels. I need a breathalyzer on my cell phone.
Although my entire week is a weekend, I am glad the weekend is
here. I am done here, go in peace.
3.26- Ad Deadline for Askew Reviews 13 is April 25, 2008. For rates and more information,
please send me an email: denis@askewreviews.com
I recently finished Steve Martin's new book, "Born Standing Up: A
Comic's Life" and it is one great book. Due to nothing being said or
written about his stand-up work for about 30 years, I've always been
interested in it...and now I know.
Former Askew writer, comedian John
Turco (also my long time cousin) is opening his own comedy
club in Pawtucket, RI. Do check it out because the only thing funnier
than John's stand up act is his face.
3.11- Over the weekend I watched The
Rage (directed by Robert Kurtzman- formerly the "K" in KNB
Special Effects) starring Andrew "Wishmaster" Divoff (also had a
reoccurring role in Lost) and Erin Brown, aka Misty Mundae. The movie is
basically action packed, aside from maybe 15 minutes of boring back story
flashbacks, and loaded with gore, albeit some of it cheesy CGI. The point
of this useless rambling is my beloved Misty Mundae. Known for her
countless b-movie roles and softcore action, Misty has left world of no
budget projects for more mainstream fare (see Sick Girl in the Masters of
Horror series) and is doing pretty well. She's avoided shedding her
clothes, though she does have a sexy underwear scene, and has really
worked on her acting. However, near the end of The Rage, she lets
fly a few bad screams that rival the badness, and hilarity, of the shower
girl scream in the faux movie that opens the Brian De Palma/John Travolta
1981 thriller, Blow Out. Ayup, I had the same reaction to Erin's
scream as Travolta had to Blow Out's scream. Also, Misty's only hardcore
movie, Vampire
Strangler, has been re-released in separate 3 DVD and 2 DVD
editions. The movie is rough and pretty sucky, but Misty goes hardcore and
therefore is one of my favorites, ever.
For you bananas living on or near Massachusetts South Shore, I ate
at this place
last night and it is damn good. The sirloin steak tips are tender and most
yum, cornbread stuffing awesome, asparagus gratin tasty. For an appetizer,
we ate onion rings (of course) which were just ok. However, the rings come
with this smokey onion relish that was so good it nearly made me want to
kill someone. I love Harpoon IPA. Oh, if you choose to hit this place,
hold your nose when walking through the parking lot because the owners of
this otherwise fine establishment obviously do not have a grasp on their
septic system. And to ramble even more, hauntings supposedly riddle this
place. Please.
Though I was impressed with its editing and cinematography, Into
the Wild (directed by Sean Penn and adapted from the Jon Krakauer
book) is a snorefest. Eddie Vedder's constant droning on certainly did not
help; cheer the fyck up!
Yesterday I started Steve Martin's new book, Born Standing Up: A
Comic's Life and tore through 70 pages without blinking an eye. So far, it
is really great and I look forward to the rest of the book.
3.6- Typically, I do not like to refer to past reviews posted on
this simply fabulous site, but Mighty
Ben reviewed a book a few months back and lent it to me to read. While
I loved the book for the exact reasons captured in Ben's review, I can
honestly admit that I have never in my life disliked the main character of
a book as much as I disliked the fella in this
book.
We're in quiet time review wise as Askew Reviews 13 approaches. I am
running flash fiction for the first time in 13 (see the 2.11 post for more info). Contact
me if you’re interested.
The weekend is here and we all shall live.
3.4- I wonder why a french fry flavored beverage does not
exist.
2.29- Sad news out of the independent film scene: John Polonia,
half of the filmmaking Polonia twins, died of a heart aneurysm the other
day. He was 39 and leaves a wife and young son.
John Turco, one time Askew reviews contributor, stand up comedian,
and my cousin, has redesigned his
website and boy-oh-boy does it look good!
Enjoy the weekend. Mine is full of pahhhteeees! Well, birthday
parties for my daughter and niece, but pahhhteeees nontheless.
2.25- Why is it when someone has the last name Wood or Woods, it's
always spelled Wood/Woods and never Would/Woulds?
Since we're in the reviews "quiet time" (have to keep
things unpublished for Askew Reviews 13), I'll share my thoughts on yogurt
I bought yesterday. While at the supermarket, I was gazing at the endless
amounts of yogurt and was caught by the flavor "Boston Cream
Pie." I love Boston Cream Pie: desert, donuts, muffins, etc. So hey,
why not try this brand of yogurt? I bough the container, which turned out
to be the Weight Watchers brand, and just now finished it. Let me simply
write that this stuff doesn't have a hint, not a hint, of any taste
resembling Boston Cream Pie. If I were a big fatso, I'd rather stay over
weight and risk heart disease and diabetes than eat this slop.
2.15-
As you may have figured out due to the lack of posts, I’ve been busy
and, well, lazy. I’ve set a Feb 29, 2008 deadline for Askew Reviews 13.
I am looking for some new blood to pen a column about anything as long as
it’s interesting. I am also running flash fiction for the first time
(see the 2.11 post for more info). Contact
me if you’re interested.
Act quickly, for there are only a few hundred thousand copies of my
book left. Act quickly before they run out in 2057.
I am thinking about hitting my favorite local dive tonight and
sitting at the bar alone drinking Smithwick’s
Ale from the bottle using only a purple straw.
The weekend arrives in few hours and I have zero responsibilities
'til Sunday night. Yikes.
2.11-
Calling for Flash Fiction/Nonfiction 250 words or less to
stick in Askew Reviews 13. Must be 250 words or less and can be anything
other than sexually graphic material. Should you
choose to submit, be sure to include your name and website (or other
contact info) that’ll be published with your 250 or less words. Please
do not send previously published material. Come up with something new,
it’s only 250 words. No, you will not receive money or sexual favors, but I’ll send you a copy of the zine
to show mother. Get it in by 2.29.2008: denis@askewreviews.com
2.4- As if your life isn't already cluttered with too much
nonsense, now you have to add this
interview with me to the mess. (as of 2.11, you have to scroll down
and find my interview, if interested.)
1.29- If you're into small press, this
is one cool DVD.
1.25- It is the weekend and unless you are having naked cybersex
with someone you think is hot but is really a gross slob, you should not
be on the Internet. Go on, piss off and get pissed (pissed as in drunk,
not angry pissed).
1.23- Apparently, I wrote this CD review
Friday/Saturday. I honestly have no remembrance of it. However, I do
remember writing a story during the same time...
1.22- Mr. Woodcock- waste of time.
Good Luck Chuck- few good laughs, lots of boobies, but not
worth your time.
Death Sentence- stars Kevin Bacon. See 1974's Death Wish,
but add some good gore.
Seraphim Falls- stars Pierce Bronsan and Liam Neeson. Set in
1868, man hunts man through the mountains and deserts. Though slow at
times, lots of tension and great scenery make for a purdy good 110
minutes.
Eastern Promises- directed by David Cronenberg. Bore of a
movie, unless you want to watch Viggo Mortensen brawl buck naked with
franks and beans freely flopping in the breeze.
Rescue Dawn- stars Christian Bale and Steve Zahn. A movie
adaptation concerning the man and his prison camp experience covered in
this great documentary.
Both are directed by Werner Herzog. Dawn is good, but I recommend the
documentary first..
I am reading "Legend of a Rock Star: The Last Testament of Dee
Dee Ramone" (a memoir) and though I am loving it, Dee Dee was one
whiney lil' bitch.
New to Askew, Budd reviews a
Hungarian animated DVD.
1.16- DVD.
1.11- My shaggee had lunch with a friend
yesterday and the friend brought along sex astrology book. The shaggee
read about the male Aquarius, which I am, and was informed that men who
are born under this sign have enormous testicles. Well, the shaggee
didn’t have to look far to see how wrong the book is. My cousin on the
other hand, who is not an Aquarius, holy bouncy boys!
Though I did not understand one major aspect of 3:10 to Yuma,
denis likie...alot.
A guy I worked with years ago recently died. Another guy I worked
with, along with the now dead guy, tried to commit suicide the day after
dead guy was buried. What the hell?
I'm going to be setting a deadline for Askew Reviews soon. If
anyone out there would like to pen a column, run
it by me!
If you like grindhouse/golden age porn/sexploitation, this book
is a must.
The weekend is here and that's all I have to about that.
1.9- Years ago, a company called Video Dungeon provided me
with many movies that are not readily available on the American market.
From banned horror to the grubbiest of adult entertainment, Wilson was the
man. Then without a word, Video Dungeon disappeared. Last week, after
years of silence (which was caused by a nasty divorce), Wilson reappeared
with his new company Cinema
de Bizarre and is once again offering those impossible to find gems.
Shoot 'Em Up, starring Clive Owen and
Paul Giamatti, is pure nonsense, but damn it is a fun movie.
I am halfway through season three of Melrose Place and along with
enjoying the fyck out of myself, I have come to realize that women in the
early to mid 90s wore their pants pulled up awfully high.
Like when I have sex, here's a quickie DVD
review.
1.4- When I
was but a wee laddie raising the ire of the local bogman with typical
boyhood shenanigans, everybody had a dog and unless you saw the pooch
running in and out of their house, you never knew it. Back then, when dog
owners visited other people they left fido at home. Nowadays, dog owners
feel they have the right to bring their flea infested poopbags everywhere
they go, including other people’s houses. You go to a party and there
are seven dogs, none belonging to the host of the party, walking around
and chewing the snot out of stuff and filling the room with the aroma of
freshly bent steaming piles of doggie biscuits. Look, I am well aware that
over the past twenty years society has allowed the pussification of
children who graduate from high school with the reading and writing
abilities of the above mentioned doggie biscuits and a roomful of
“winner” ribbons because there are no losers, no first placers: just
all winners for self esteem sake. But since when have dogs needed to be
coddled, treated like newborns, and dragged around like kids belonging to
a soccer mom all jigged out on caffeine and the day’s Dr. Phil
television program?
A dear family friend (been hitting the martini glass hard
over the past 30 years and has probably slept with someone you know) has
decided to share is wisdom via question and answer advice on his newly
build Myspace page.
Ever notice how people that cry the loudest about racism are
the first to drag race into every aspect of life?
Someone (I know who, but shall not offer) recently told my
soon to be 7-year-old daughter what a “queef” is. Reilly, my dottah
(daughter), then asked my niece/her cousin, who’s six, if she knew what
a queef is. Katie answered, “yes, it’s Spanish for pancakes.”
I once had half sex with a woman who is half Asian (story can
be read in my book). Does that
count as sex with an Asian woman?
Though I have many reviews to post, I sense this weekend will
be a great one and shall not be a part of holding you back from beginning
your debauchery, or whatever it is you do for a good time.
12.31- I found some ice cube trays that make my second favorite
type of ice "shapes" (my all time favorite ice things are
machine made and I only know of one place in Massachusetts that has it)
and used them last weekend. Trust me, I was happier than a dog at a dump.
However, the second time I attempted to twist the ice out of the trays,
they BOTH exploded into 80 jillion pieces. Boo. I guess that why they were
being sold at one of those cheepo dollar stores. Ah well, back to boring
square cubes. God, life is tough.
Cheers to you and the new year.
12.28- I lost my hat during a snowstorm two weeks ago, but I found
it after the snow melted.
I watched Hatchet the other night and thoroughly enjoyed the
gore and story. However, I am tired of comedy constantly dragging down
otherwise good horror movies.
Hard to believe Vic Tayback has been dead for almost 18 years.
I lost to my six year old daughter in Junior Monopoly ('lil buggah
didn't land on my properties) then she absolutely kicked my arse at Wii
Bowling (this was the first time either one of us has played). Yes, my ego
is bruised and I may just have to punish her for no good reason.
Life can sometimes be like the enjoyment ceasing and sudden
tangling of the Yo-Yo's twine.
The lid for my trash barrel disappeared one night during a
windstorm. Two days later, as I walked to the bank, I found it in the
middle of the road about a quarter mile from my house.
If I am ever arrested, I hope I am not naked.
Mighty Ben reviews a CD that just
may be his favorite of 2007.
A few weeks ago I listened to Fangoria
Radio on Sirius Satellite Radio and heard perhaps the greatest
nonsensical interview ever with actor Thomas Jane. This guy was so drunk,
but tried to act like he wasn't and it was so damn entertaining. I swear,
my butt crack was even smiling.
Near the end of the "Greased Lightening" scene/song in Grease,
Danny Zuko runs around the car unraveling what looks to be a large roll of
cellophane. What does that mean or signify? I've never understood that
part, dahhhnit!
Enjoy the weekend.
12.21- Even though I've been off work all week, there's simply
something grand about Friday and the arrival of the weekend.
Someone I recently met is in an abusive relationship. She, is tall,
skinny and good looking enough. I have never met him, but I've heard that
he's a short loudmouth with issues. Though they fight all the time and he
smacks her around, she always returns. Some time ago, they were fighting
and he sprayed her in the face with Raid. Fearing for her eyesight, she
ran to the bathroom to flush her eyes and he ran to the basement and shut
off the main water feed to the house. She left vowing to never return, yet
two hours later she was posting her love for him on his myspace page and
had returned and left him several times since the Raid incident. Wow.
Fisherman's IPA and Wachusett IPA are both gross.
Here's a CD review
that doubles as a fight review! POW!
I refuse to let you forget about my book.
Now go and have yerself an amazing weekend. I have a week's worth
of catching up because I've been sick, which stinks when you're on
vacation.
12.19- I've decided to come up with farewell blessings: May the road you travel be littered with good
health, good cheer, and good people wanting nothing more than to put a
smile on that good looking face of yours.
Here's a book review.
12.13 (1:35PM)- In approx three hours, I start my two week vacation
(from work) and it shall be a grand two weeks. Indeed.
Enjoy this book
review and curses to the snow that falls upon Massachusetts today.
12.8- Hall of Fame CD review
worthy of a drunken Saturday night post!
12.7- Over
the past year or so, the television airwaves have become inundated with
commercials starring white men pushing various “male enhancement”
products. While this is a blatant example of racism, I very highly doubt
Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton will march in protest. And if you think of
it, from whitie’s point of view, it’s pretty damn prejudice, as well!
DVD review.
Now enjoy the weekend, you weekend slacker, you.
12.5- Last
night at M.J.
O’Connor’s Pub in Boston, I ate the greatest buffalo chicken wrap
in the world. I swear it felt like I was having an orgasm in my mouth, in
a nonhomosexual way, of course. On the flipside of things, after ordering
and drinking two pints of Harpoon IPA, the waitress decided to slip me
Harp ale without telling me. I tasted the difference, but didn’t say
anything. Can you handle such written excitement?
If anyone knows the name of
the female singer/guitarist who was playing at the Park Street Red Line
Station ‘til 9 last night (Dec 3), please let me know. She was wearing a
red jacket, black cap, pants, and boots.
Check out my book.
12.4- Ayup, going out for beers with Mighty
Ben tonight and we're going someplace I've never been; should be a
good time. Although, it is purdy cold out there in lovely downtown Boston
and I loathe wearing a jacket, but I think I'll have to sport one today.
Now, the last time we did this, a girl spilled a pint of beer that landed
right inside my left shoe and I got so stewpid drunk I though a good
friend was someone else. Drinking on a more than empty belly is never a
good thing and shall not be repeated tonight.
I was thinking last night while bored to tears watching the
Transformers movie (I hate Shia LaBeouf and it pisses me off that he's in
the next Indiana Jones movie) and felt anguish over the fact that I've
never snorted coke off the lovely bosom of a pricey striper while being
entertained by a live recording of a Barry Manilow concert. I gots to gets
to livin'!
You know, I have no plans this
weekend, but next weekend everyone I know is having a Christmas party. Of
course, these parties are at the four corners of the Earth. Hey, wait a
minute...
You know, how do we, the average folk of the world, truly know that
the world is round? If you think about it, all proof of the Earth's
roundness comes from the governments of the world via astronauts, satellite
pictures, etc. What if they're lying to us? Wouldn't be the first lie
they've told. I say we, the average folk of the world, devise a plan to
jack a space shuttle, tell a crackhead the moon is made of crack, shoot
the junkie into space, call him, ask him to look over his shoulder and
tell us if the blue thing is round. Finally, the truth will be known.
Here's a CD
review.
11.30- Since
it is fall in New England, the ground is covered with leaves and people
often rake these fallen leaves from their yards and properly, sometimes,
dispose of them. As I drove to pick up my daughter from school yesterday,
I passed an old man raking leaves in his front yard. The yard was maybe
15x20 feet. So what’s the big deal, you ask? The old man raking was
seated in a lawn chair with a walker next to him. This old timer obviously
has trouble walking, yet he found a way and the motivation to rid his
property of dead leaves, in the rain no less. About 20 minutes later, I
passed the old timer again and he had almost completed raking his yard
nearly to the point of not leaving a single leaf to crunch beneath your
foot.
Isn’t it amazing how a single person with bad gas can turn a
beautifully fragrant, delightful, and hospitable room into a barnyard
you’d fight to exit in mere seconds?
If I ever come into a ridiculous amount of money and start hanging
with rich snobby fycks, one thing I'll never do is tie a sweater around my
neck. If you happen to see me, maybe at the tennis and wine club, with a
sweater tied around my neck, you have my permission to drive your index
finger right into my arse.
DVD review for all you
avant-garde types.
Finally, the weekend has gracefully fallen upon our squashes.
11.27- DVD review.
11.21- Thanksgiving has arrived and tomorrow we offer thanks for
what we are blessed to enjoy while stuffing our faces. Let us try to make
tomorrow an event that will live on past this weekend. Let us toy with the
minds and hearts of our loved ones.
While at the dinner table, try saying nonsensical statements
that’ll bring pause to those around you: “This turkey is so good, I
think I just pulled my groin muscle.”
When giving yourself some mashed 'taters say, "These smashies
remind me of what a great comfort food tuna casserole truly is."
Constantly warn those around you that you feel like you’re going
to vomit.
Bring up aging, liver spots, erectile dysfunction, and yeast
infections
Announce to the table that you’re passing on the squash because
it reminds you of a coworker's ear wax..
Later in the day, draw unnecessary attention to yourself by using
swear words when talking with children, or maybe bring up and discuss past
“relations” with ex-girlfriends/boyfriends.
Loudly belch mid-sentence and be sure to hang out your tongue while
doing so.
Disappear into the bathroom for 45 minutes and return without your
shirt declaring, "Things got messy in there."
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!
Here's a DVD review and here's a CD
review.
11.19- My book has been reviewed.
11.16- Some words
from readers concerning A Nobody’s
Nothings (that would be the book I wrote, ya basturd):
Female: “I read your book, it was great. I
haven't laughed out loud so much while reading a book since I read
"Freak" by John Leguizamo!”
Male: "Your earlier bulletin made me grab the book off
my to read shelf. Now, just three pages deep I can't put it down! This
will be the first book to ever go on tour with me. We leave for Norfolk
tomorrow and I will avoid driving duty best I can just to read this.”
Female: “I
was reading your book at work last night on my break... got the part about
the Irish dude at the Red Sox game, and burst out loud laughing... many
people looked strangely at me. Just thought you should know. I am now the
weird lady who sits by herself, laughing. PS - The book is fantastic!
Male: “I
am LOVING the book!”
Female:
“…then, I remembered I had a little black book in my bag....:-) Well,
let me tell you, your book was the BEST ESCAPE from Chucky
Cheese…engrossed in your book, I felt like I was in the corner of the
bar observing those characters first hand. I laughed, I gagged (at the
many sweat, vomit and nasty sex references) and yes, at the end of each
story, I, someway, somehow felt choked up. Thank you for the great escape
at one of America's worst establishments!”"I just want
to tell you what I think of this book you wrote. First, I skipped all the
sex stuff because there's only so much some people can take. Are you
suicidal? Are you an alcoholic?"
Here's a DVD review.
11.13- Cheers to John (see 11.6 post) for winning "The Last
Smart Ass Standing" contest and pocketing 5 grand!
When I was in the second grade, I handled having a tree branch
enter my skull through my eye socket and breaking off inside my head,
I’ve broken every finger on both hands and reset all of them myself, I
once got plaster lime (which can cause blindness) in my eye that was
roughly and hurriedly cleaned out with a large cotton swap as nurses
gagged, I watched scared to death as my daughter was pulled from my
wife’s (now ex-wife) body because her heartbeat was deathly low, I held
the hand of my Grandmother as she breathed her last breath, I helped a
friend as her head swelled to sci-fi channel epic proportions after a
terrible fall, I ignored my bicep as it tore from its tendon to help
complete the task of lifting a water heater…yet as my daughter
experiences her first lost tooth, she ran from school Friday while showing
me her bloody loose tooth, I mean it is hanging from my lil’
sunshine’s gum thread, I nearly passed out. Reilly's first tooth fell
out early, too very early, Saturday morning. Unfortunately, she swallowed
it as she ate a bowl of cereal.
Here's a review of a
naughty DVD that'll have fans of dirty 42nd St slop drooling.
11.6- Last
December, I wrote a short story about the day my Grandmother died. This
story is included in my book and for
the first time, I read it to my six-year-old daughter. As I read the
story, I constantly made eye contact with Reilly and she appeared ok.
However, immediately after the last word escaped my lips, tears poured
from her eyes and she cried, “I miss Great Gramma.” It was pretty damn
emotional, even for me.
On the flip side of things, a few hours later Reilly fell asleep on
the couch WITH HER FRIGGIN’ EYES HALF OPEN! It freaked me out and
coupled with her previous sadness, it was perhaps the greatest emotional
swing I’ve experienced since the first time I got laid; another story in
my book!
To promote his new movie,
Bees, Jerry Seinfeld has been appearing on every talk show this side of
Joan Rivers’ mouth. Unfortunately, I’ve heard about four interviews
with this guy and he has become one bitter and nasty man. Not only is he
the most overrated celebrity, aside from Julia Roberts, he really needs to
just go away.
Askew Reviews writer (though
he hasn’t done shyt for a few years) and comedian John Turco has made
the final three in WHJY’s "The Last Smart A$$ Standing" and
needs your
vote to win $5,000! The man is also my cousin, so do him a solid and
give him a vote-he's finalist #1. If he wins, I’ll make him buy me beer.
11.2- Although a few things come to mind, is there anything better
than falling asleep and waking up what feels like seven hours later, but
when you look at the clock only one hour has passed? That was my night
last night; it happened about three times. It was simply grand.
Yesterday, Massachusetts Senior Senator Ted Kennedy said that he
will not support President Bush's nominee for Attorney General, Michael Muksaey, because of his unwillingness to
directly answer the legality of an interrogation method used to simulate
drowning. Of course, this is his right. However, I wonder if Teddy will
refuse to support Hillary Clinton (should she be the presidential nominee
for the Democrats) due to her unwillingness to answer 95% of the questions
thrown her way. Certainly makes you wonder.
On
Halloween, nobody was giving out
Charleston Chews! What gives? Made rifling through my daughter’s loot
mighty disappointing!
If anybody out there has watched or watches the movie Reeker,
please contact me. I have a question.
Well, looks like Dog the Bounty Hunter has gotten himself in a
world of shyt by dropping the "nigger" word. You know, one would
think that saying "nigger" is a requirement for people with six
foot mullets, so why all the fuss?
Mighty Ben reviews this spoken word
CD.
10.23- Here
are some capsule reviews for the last few books I’ve read:
A Confederacy of Dunces
by John Kennedy Toole. Ignatuis Reilly is a grown man who behaves like a
know it all child and injects himself into the lives of those who surround
him, whether they want him to or not. This book is definitely one of the
top five funniest books I’ve read. Written before Toole’s suicide in
1969, the book languished before is publication in 1980.
Junky
by William S. Burroughs. Written in 1953, Burroughs writes about addiction
to drugs and being a homosexual. The book is compelling and very candid,
but lacks grit one might expect when reading about drugs and living a life
to support addiction. I really enjoyed Junky, but I got the sense
Burroughs may have felt writing this novel was beneath him.
Happy Endings
by Jim Norton. 2007. I think Jim Norton is one of America’s funniest men
and I love the guy. The short stories center around Jim’s experiences as
a stand-up comic, women, and his most notable addictions: sex and
prostitutes. I did find some of the punch lines a bit redundant, but damn
I laughed every time.
The Lone Surfer of Montana, Kansas
by Davy Rothbart. 2005. This collection of eight short stories deal with
very real people in very real situations of loneliness and hope with
blasts of romance, humor, and lots of oddity.
Ham on Rye
by Charles Bukowski. 1982. Through the voice of his alter ego Henry
Chinaski, Bukowski details his rough upbringing, abusive father, and the
plight of being a teenager riddled with acne of epic proportions. About a
year ago, I watched an interview with a drunken Bukowski shortly before
his death and in an instant, he flipped and basically attacked his
girlfriend on camera; it was shocking. After reading this book, I can see
why he had that in him.
10.19- While driving my daughter to school this morning, I stopped
at a four way intersection and watched as everyone patiently waited and
took their turn. No one jumped the gun and bolted out of place. Now, I am
sure most of us, each stop sign had a line about four-six cars, were in a
mild hurry to get to work, school, drug dealer, etc., but everyone
cooperated and the intersection smoothly flowed like a Ted Kennedy Sunday
morning beer shit. This occurrence was not the exception as every time I
pass through this intersection, usually four times a day, it works the
same. Now, why can't everyone just cooperate a little in life to make this
planet a better place. It's not that hard and easy to partake, jackass.
Buy my book!
Like a fist to the face, the weekend is here and it
won't be grand unless you make it so. Hop to it and make Monday's arrival
a life saving event!
Doug gives us a DVD review.
10.17- I
was recently reminded of this story: About
a year ago, I was having sexual relations with a hot female friend of
mine. Although this was our first time together, we seemed to be doing
everything right and really pushed each other’s buttons. No awkward
moments or second thoughts; you have to love that. We started off with
kissing, touching, oral, which led to the bumping of uglies. We shagged in
the ol’ missionary position first, and then rolled over so she could
ride me. After a few minutes and still on top, she spun herself around so
that her back was facing me. Since she had an incredible arse, the site
was stunning and the sex top notch. As she glided herself up and down, she
seductively looked over her shoulder and said, “You like that,
pussycat?”
It was that very moment I realized no matter the circumstance, I do
not like being called “pussycat.”
10.10- DVD Review.
10.5- Mighty Ben reviews a
book (and throws in a Q&A with its author) that I'll be reading
very soon.
I’ve
lived in my house for almost four years and never has a spider built its
web outside of my kitchen window, ‘til last week. One night, a good size
spider built a web that covered about ¾ of the outside of the window. It
was really amazing watching the spider’s engineering skills at work.
After a few days, the web and spider were gone. Two days ago, a different
spider moved in and built a web. This spider was a bit smaller with longer
icky legs. Yesterday, my daughter and I watched the spider as it wrapped a
bee in its web. Since we had our mugs pressed up against the window, our
snouts were less than an inch from the spider; I have double pane windows,
as I am high class, yes. Anyway, as the spider wrapped its meat, another
bug snared itself in the web and let me tell you that you have no idea the
meaning of lickety-split ‘til you see a spider sprint across its web to
capture prey. Holy crap, lightningman! We watched the spider wrap up meal
number two, then return to the bee and sink its two lil’ jaw things into
and most likely devour the inside of the webified treat. After the initial
yuckness, Reilly and I moved onto other things. A few hours later, I
noticed that the bee was gone from the web, so of course I ventured
outside to investigate the steps that rest beneath Spider Window. Yes,
sure enough, that spider is one damn litterbug.
Do you think some dogs practice racism, well,
breedism?
I now leave wishing you a drunken (or carb, fat, taste free if
you're into that) weekend and implanting the purchase
of my book in your mind.
10.3- Ever
notice how much better toast smells when someone else is making it and how
gross popcorn smells when someone else is eating it?
You know, I really do like the Dropkick Murphys and I am very happy
for their success, but if you live within a twenty mile radius of Boston,
there’s no escaping their over exposure. Pretty soon, none of us will be
able to drop a deuce without hearing Ken Casey’s and Al Barr’s awesome
vocals backed with James Lynch’s screaming guitar and Scruffy Wallace
piping the bagpipes and…ah, crap.
This morning I had a new storm door installed and one of the
installers hails from New York and is a Mets fan. When he told me this, I
honestly felt sympathy for him due to the Mets’ monumental collapse over
the past three weeks. Hey, maybe I do have a heart.
If yer a Red Sox fan, the golden road to the World Series starts
tonight. For this round we shall cheer for the Sox to defeat the Angels
and for the Indians to spank the Yanks, not for the sake of beating the
Yankees, but to give Mighty
Ben (he’s from Cleveland) some love before the Tribe fall to the Sox
in the ALCS.
Last night, I had an amazingly hot and sexy woman in bed with me,
bottomless, and I fell asleep. I fell asleep. Yes, you read that
correctly, I fell asleep.
Bug is a good, but whacked
movie.
You will now buy
my book.
10.2- Though I try my hardest to not put my political thoughts up
here anymore, I am just too annoyed with how these fyck politicians in
Washington DC waste our time, our money, and our energy (hey, they work
for us, the tax payers) bickering back and forth over ads and words spoken
by those who make no difference in our lives. First, The Republicans went
after moveon.org, now the Democrats are hunting Rush Limbaugh. Infuriating!
What we have in Washington is a gang of bloated douche bags who do not
care a shyt about anything other than their wallets and control over us. I
say we vote out every single federally (Dem, Rep, Ind) elected official
until they are all replaced with someone new.
New to Askew Reviews, Dave offers his
first review.
9.28- Tonight
at O'Briens
(3 Harvard Ave. Allston, MA) is the record (review
be here) release show for Kermit’s Finger. Also on the bill:
Darkbuster Light (Lenny, Dan, Amy )—Opening Acoustic, Kermit’s Finger,
Beantown Boozehounds, Rat City Riot, and The Ugly Fucklings.
I wonder if racial labels transcends to mannequins. For instance,
is a black mannequin simply black or is an African-American mannequin?
White or Caucasian?
This may make more sense to those living in drunkurbia than city
folk as dog owners amongst the former tend to be greater because having a
dog for a pet in the city means you have to worry about the pooch becoming
rat food and being peed on by bums. Then again, in drunkburbia dog owners
have to worry about coyotes and vampire like ticks that will drain Spot of
his life force like a welfare recipient on a block of cheese. What the
hell was my point? Oh, why is it when someone yells for their dog, their
voice inflection alternate between two tones? The first is like a
statement with the last syllable of the dog’s name dragged out: “Luckeeeeey!”
Which is followed by a question: “Lucky?”
Check out my book, damn
you!
Enjoy the weekend, for it begins with a bang: tonight's Kermit's
Finger show!
9.25- I just finished the Dexter: Season One DVD set, and
ferociously look forward to season two's premier Sept 30. Though, Showtime
deserves a kick in the balls for having only one episode on disc 4.
Here's a DVD for
adults who are into 1971 documentary nuttiess.
9.21- Finally, my book, A Nobody's
Nothings, is available for your eyeballs. Buy one (or 20) today and
you'll have it for next weekend's boozefest or to read while at work so
you actually have fun.
Have a great weekend.
9.14- While watching
Californication (one of my favs), I was pleased as fleegin’ punch to see
one of my top three “spank bank” actresses, Pamela Adlon (Luckie
Louie) grace the small screen. Mzzzz. Pamela has been on the show a few
times, but last night she was dressed in nothing but sexy underwear and a
tight t-shirt. Oh ya, it was mighty nice. I immediately got the urge to
call a girl I mess around with, from time to time, who reminds me of
Pamela Adlon: short, black hair, cute lil’ boobies. Now, if I had called
her it would have been for my own sexual satisfaction, nothing else, and I
would not have been thinking of her while banging away (for three minutes)
since I would’ve been thinking of Mzzzz. Adlon. Does this make me a bad
person?
As we discussed the finer points of making tuna casserole (not many
people create this fine cuisine so I am quick to engage in any
conversation about it), a respected friend asked me what brand of tuna
fish I use, “Geisha, always and forever,” I answered.
“Oh, you simply must try the tuna made by Bumble Bee that
comes in the gold and black can,” she offered.
Although I am brand loyal and
really do find Geisha to be the most venerated of all tuna, I investigated
my friend’s recommendation and discovered the tuna she spoke of is
Bumble Bee Prime Fillet Solid White Albacore. I bought a can.
Well, even though it's labeled as “prime” and priced 40% higher
than most other brands of tuna, including Geisha, Bubble Bee’s Prime
Fillet is tasteless and has the consistency of saw dust. I wouldn’t feed
this slop to the Hobo Cats who roam the woods behind my house. Phooey!
Before skipping off to a wonderful weekend, I trust you'll enjoy this
DVD review, first.
9.13- I liked this CD
so much, it get its own daily entry!
9.11- My book, A
Nobody's Nothings, will be available for purchase next week.
Over the past two years or so, I’ve often written about my
hopelessly devoted love for Whole Foods “Chef’s Own” salsa. Well,
the fleegan tree huggers went and not only changed the recipe, but
basically doubled the price of the salsa. Now, the salsa tastes just like
every other salsa out there, and is insanely expensive. The bastard! Yes,
I have dropped the mess from my life. Since the breakup, I’ve been
searching for a replacement and ran two brands through the ringer: Trader
Joe’s homemade salsa and Sister’s Salsa (sold through Hannaford’s
supermarket). Trader Joe’s salsa is rather boring and garlic heavy; will
work as a back-up, but will never find a true spot in my heart, or belly.
The tomato and onion chunks in Sister Salsa’s offering are large and
there’s plenty of fresh cilantro. However, the color is bland and the
vinegar taste (third listed ingredient) is so damn offensively strong, it
made me think I was dipping my chippies in an Easter egg coloring kit.
Opting to eat my chips dry, I tossed most of the salsa.
9.4- I awoke Sunday morning with
absolutely nothing to do. My daughter was on vacation in Hawaii with her
mother and I had no plans ‘til approx 11:30pm. I took this free time to
do about an hour’s worth of small junk around the house, then planted my
arse on the porch to finish the book I had been reading.
As I read the book and
checked out the neighborhood’s going ons, I noticed that a flowering
“thing” to the right of me was covered with about 8000 species of
bees. It was a bit odd looking, but they were over there and I was maybe
10 feet from them, until a swarm of sparrows decided to invade the
flowering “thing” evicting the bees. Rather than attack the sparrows,
the bees decided to call my body home. I was nearly covered from head to
toe with bees, but not a single one chose to sting me. I thought it best
to retreat into my house while gently brushing the buzzing squatters off
me.
Still wishing to relax, I
decided to visit the place that is 100% relaxation to me: the Scituate
lighthouse. Now, to arrive at the lighthouse, there is one way in and one
way out. Once you start the trek, there is not turning back.
As I approached the
area, I noticed an abundance of cars and people lining the sidewalks,
yards, and driveways. I thought perhaps something was going on in the
harbor or maybe the yacht club, or something. Nope. I was wrong. Turns out
the town of Scituate was in the midst of their Labor Day parade and I
quickly became its caboose.
As my driving became a stop
and start crawl, I could see the clowns and police car that ended the
parade. Since I was so close to the end, the spectators were still
standing around and having a great time. Of course, these joyous people
extended their happiness towards me with shouts of “Hey! Look everybody,
it’s a guy in a car!” or “Look, a man wearing sunglasses!” and
some even threw candy into my car and many cheered my passing (passing in
my car, not passing wind or dieing).
Not being one who likes
attention, even though I am a fleeegin loudmouth here, I was not really
enjoying my situation, but I kept my smile and cheers going.
Finally, after being a bee
hang out and a part time spectacle, I sat down on the jetty and finished
my book while watching three guys unsuccessfully fish.
Here's a DVD review for those who dig
Christina Lindberg.
8.31- I wonder if the woman I am
currently having sex with, which includes oral treats, would get mad if
she were to find out that I touched my penis with her toothbrush (100%
hypothetical)…I wonder if there is something I do not know about apples,
oranges, bananas, etc. After all, why else would some people refer to
homosexuals as “fruits”…I wonder if as humans evolve over the next
1000 years if A) gay men’s assholes will ever self-lubricate. B) erect
wieners will ever self-condomize. C) a woman’s clit will ever grow a
giant sign declaring “over here, fella.” D) if a prostitute will ever
be able to accept credit card payments by simply swiping a card through
her vagina…I wonder if it’s ok to use an onion ring as a cock ring…I
wonder why the Surgeon General hasn’t set a recommended daily allowance
for women concerning semen consumption. You know that would be my first
action once appointed…I wonder if men would have to wear a penis snorkel
while having sex if we breathed through our blow hole…Other than the
male gawk factor and shock value, I wonder why it’s ok for a fat guy
with big, supple man boobs to walk around topless while it’s not ok for
a flat chested woman to do the same…I wonder why some asshole guys grab
their junk and say to a nearby woman, “You want some of this?” when in
reality, the entire “this” isn’t enough to satisfy her, nevermind
just “some” of it…I wonder if men would be more inclined to snuggle
after sex if once both parties are “happy,” a frosty beer would shoot
out of the woman’s head…
Enjoy the weekend.
8.24- Growing up, one of my favorite
snacks, which were often enjoyed before bedtime, were cheese like sticks
called Tid-Bits. Sadly, this tasty treat went the way of the Dodo some
years ago. Since then, its replacement has been Cheese Nips, which are
superior to and much more venerated than Cheez-It cheese crackers.
Yesterday, I went food shopping and discovered the new Cheez-It Stix. I
bought a box of the new snacks hoping it would mimic Tid Bits. Oh, how I
was wrong. I was wrong. Shouldn’t surprise me though. After all, it is a
Cheez-It product: cheap, no taste, and can only satisfy one whose taste
buds are the equivalent of being deaf. These, these, these so-called
snacks are closely related to those lil’ red sticks used to spread
processed cheese on the crackers found in individual cheese and cracker
packets. Once again, Cheez-It has demolished the competition in the race
for what should never be eaten.
I was witness to an automobile
accident, last night. If I was 100 feet closer, walking in the opposite
direction, and crossing against the light I could have been killed, for
heaven’s sake! Skin of my teeth, baby. Skin of my teeth.
As I walked along the sidewalk to my local liquor store today, a
skinny boy riding his bike passed me going the opposite direction. He was
maybe 13-14, had bushy curly hair, was sporting a half assed 13-14 year
old attempt at a mustache, thick glasses, wearing a sickly green t-shirt
blazing with that recognizable headshot of Jim Morrison, and was riding a
bike very similar to Miss Gulch’s (the de-dit-da-dit-da-dit-da character
in The Wizard of Oz) bike; sans the basket. The entire ensemble struck me
as odd for some reason, but when the young chap attempted a wheelie and
failed, I nearly cried laughing.
Can it still be called “hair pie” even if it's pube free? If
not, then what kind of pie does it become if not hair pie? Why is there no
terminology for a guy and his bush or lack there of?
When I was in second grade, a girl named Joanne developed a crush
on me, which I discovered thanks to my friend Mark, who was her next-door
neighbor, spying her writing my name and her feelings toward me on a large
boulder in her back yard. Being in second grade and afraid of girls (even
more so than I am now), I failed to connect with Joanne. Yes, I was a
second grader with no rap. For third grade, I was shipped off to an out of
town school and did not see Joanne again ‘til high school. Wow, she was
hooooot! Today, I wonder if she’s still hot. So, if you’re name is
Joanne, lived in Hanson, MA next to a kid named Mark who had an older
brother who was accidentally shot, paralyzed, had his wheelchair stolen
while visiting Fenway Park and later died, and still hot, email me.
The weekend is upon us like an out of control
genital rash. My weekend started last night, through today, and continues
with a midnight BBQ tonight…you all have a great few days.
8.22- My daughter is with her mother in
Hawaii for two weeks, which means denis has zero responsibilities ‘til
see returns. Uh-oh. Well there is that work thing, but please…Compared
to other celebrities and the trouble they get themselves into, I find it
refreshing and amusing that Bill Murray got busted for drunk driving a
golf cart through downtown Stockholm… I find it amusing that if I were
to say, “I went with a couple of queens…” concerning a poker hand,
nobody would blink an eye. Yet, if I were to say the same concerning an
experience in San Francisco…Jake’s Seafood in Hull cured my desire for
onion rings…For the past year or so, I’ve been quietly looking around
for a small bar/eatery to purchase. I found the place that I think would
be a great fit, but it’s not for sale. Major boo…The Beltones, both of
their full length CDs available from TKO Records, are great…Last week, I
cleaned my house windows, inside and out, and of course two birds decided
to fly into them leaving smudgy bird prints. Not only that, but another
bird flew into the storm door window at my rental property and shattered
the entire thing…Jim Norton’s book, Happy Endings, is funny…I
am only 100 pages into John Kennedy Toole’s A Confederacy of Dunces,
but I am enjoying the snot out of it…
8.17- Today I received the proof
copy of my book
and it looks great, but it is my book so of course I am going to think
highly of its greatness. I have signed off on the book and copies should
be for sale to the public in approx two weeks!
Doug Stanhope’s
new DVD, No Refunds, is one funny and thought provoking 65-minute
comicfest on people and society. Doug’s blistering commentary on life is
as hilarious as it is a punch to the snot locker and akin to George
Carlin’s stuff, only more personal. Stanhope’s stuff is like fucking a
chick and realizing half way through she’s on the rag: unpredictable,
sometimes messy, and brings things to an unexpected new level, but the
shock and awe on top of the great time makes things even better. This guy
is currently my favorite comedian and I look forward to seeing him when he
performs in Boston in October.
Are Pom-Poms called Pom-Poms because there are two of the
things? If a cheerleader, or a weird sex date, holds a single Pom-Pom,
does it then become simply a Pom? “Oh my gawd, I like so can not find
like one of my Poms!”
It is Friday. Only a few days ‘til Monday. What are you waiting
for?
8.10- I was thinking; The Rolling
Stones are The Rolling Stones, but they are also known as The Stones.
Being that The Rolling Stones is their official name, would it be ok for
me to call my band The Stones or is it more ok for The Rolling Stones to
have two names since they’ve been around forever and released 800
zillion albums, and such?
In a vicious, unprovoked attack, I was beaned (above the
right eye along my hairline) by a hard and heavy toy, as I tread water in
a pool, launched by my two and half year old godson: the one I call
Butters (he looks like Butters from South Park, though not two
dimensional. I use to call him “Nips” because he has a broad chest and
his nipples are far apart, but I caught too much slack so I stopped, for
the most part.). I was watching my daughter and niece as they jumped off
the diving board and didn’t even see it coming. It hurted and caused a
sweet arse egg to lurch from my skull.
Sometimes, a segment of white pop culture stems from black pop
culture: words, phrases, fashion, music, etc. I often wonder how long does
it take for black pop culture to be jacked by whitie and how soon after
that same pop culture is dropped by black pop culturers.
The
ICONS Festival (formerly know as the Irish Connections Festival) kicks
off tonight in Canton. MA with a concert featuring Black 47, The Saw
Doctors and The Black Crowes. The concert starts at 8pm, gates open at
7pm. There are many other bands playing, including Dropkick Murphys and
The Tossers on Sunday. Every year this thing is a lot of fun, even the
free kiddie rides!
Here’s a DVD review
thanks to Douglas.
It is Friday and I’ve me a rack of baby back ribs to BBQ, a tub
of my favorite salsa, a bag of my favorite
chippies, some Harpoon
IPA, some Capt, some Pepsi, my
book will be out in about two weeks, and my six year old daughter was
invited to join an invitation only "Broadway for Kids" theater
program. Life is good. Yes it is…yes it is.
8.7- The printer has the files for
my
book and it's off to the races. I am feeling mightily excited and
nervous at the same time!
If you are a Red Sox fan and like using Myspace, Sawxheads
is for you; it combines the Sox and Myspace...pretty cool.
Here's a CD review thanks to Mighty
Ben.
8.3- Last night as we celebrated
his birthday, Mighty Ben and I were soaked to the core after a woman
sitting next to us bumped our table spilling both of our pints. Now, the
woman and her man friend were apologetic and nice about the mishap and
even offered to buy a round. However, the wench only bought one pint! I
should have leaned over and asked her if she had two straws for us to
share.
Due to last night and a planned party tomorrow,
yer uncle denis is going to take it easy tonight. I expect all of you to
make up for my slacking.
7.27- Last night, three weeks of acting camp culminated with my six
year old daughter landing the lead role of Goldilocks (you know, the home
invader). Of course, I am one proud mofo, not so much for Reilly landing
the "spotlight" role, but more because this reward was due to
her working hard, doing well, and paying attention over the previous three
weeks. Reilly was so excited about this acting stuff and really gave it
her best which was seen up there on the stage. In fact, all the kids did
very well, even the little evil girl who needlessly hit and bit Reilly.
Great job to the teachers/instructors at Riverside
Theater Works!
I saw Knocked Up last week and loved it. It is great seeing
all those fine people from Freaks & Geeks.
Ramping things up for the release of my book, a Myspace
page has been set up for those interested. The book will be out
sometime in August.
Tonight, raise a pint and offer happy birthday cheers to Meaghan!
Oh ya, last Friday was Mighty Ben's birthday, but I'll be taking him out
next Thursday, so you can wait 'til then...
This
entertained and amused me like a monkey with a squeaky squeeze toy.
It is Friday. It is the weekend.
7.23- Askew Reviews writer Amy Bugbee and her husband wrote an
adult movie (hubby Shane also directed) and here
is my review. Please be over 18 (ya, right).
7.13- My beloved Uncle recently celebrated a birthday, and as a gag
gift, my other Uncle gave him a roll of toilet paper decorated with
President Bush's face. A severe Bush hater, the birthday Uncle declared,
"I'm not going to violate my ass with that man's face."
While in the check-out line at the grocery store yesterday, I saw
two women pay for some basic household food with welfare proceeds. After
that transaction was complete, they used a fat wad of cash to pay for
approx 4 giant steaks, fish, chicken, and three racks of ribs. Must be
friggin' nice. People complain about America, but where else can someone
on welfare afford flashy jewelry and proudly sport giant fake boobs?
I watched Black Snake Moan last night and was most
surprised at how misleading its trailer is. The movie is not what it
appears and I enjoyed it, thoroughly. While I enjoyed the snot out of it,
it was rather tough because my attention was being diverted by the smokin'
hot (inside and out) woman who watched it with me. Damn, couldn't stop
looking at her out of the corner of my eye. Owwwwwwww! Life is good. Yes
it is...yes it is.
As we watched our kids jump through a SpongeBob sprinkler, my
next door neighbor told me how she spent the entire morning shopping for a
dress to wear to a wedding and bought one, but decided to instead wear a
dress she already had. Well, I saw her as she and her husband left for the
wedding and boy oh boy did she make the right decision. I couldn't imagine
a dress looking any better on her...and I mean that with the highest
respect.
Over the years, I have randomly posted "Where is Wendy
James?" or "come to me Wendy James." Yesterday, I found Wendy
James.
The other day I saw a television commercial for a razor that
forever stays sharp; no need to replace the blade, ever. As part of the
offer, if you buy one you get one free. My question is, why would you need
more than one if the blade never goes dull? Of course, you also get a pair
of kitchen shears as part of the deal and how they relate to a razor is
beyond my tiny brain.
Amazingly, here's a DVD
review. Golly, I am so behind on reviews.
By George, there's only four bottles of Harpoon IPA in the fridge!
Ah, but I do have a case of the stuff in the basement. However, between
here and there is a black cat, an upright ladder that I must walk under, a
mirror hanging by a thread, and a masked man holding a bloody machete
lurking in the shadows. Ya, I'll risk it. Enjoy the weekend, for Monday
will be here before you know it.
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