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 THE
CHURCH (Anchor
Bay)1998. Horror. Not rated, gore, violence. A million years ago (not
really), crusaders annihilated a small village thinking they were devil
worshippers and that they had a contagion that would infect others. After
dumping the bodies in a grave, a huge church was built on the tomb to keep
the evilness in place. However, a million years later (not really), the
tomb is accidentally cracked open and the sickness escapes. As designed by
the church’s architect, once the tomb’s seal is broken, the Church
automatically closes itself up to keep the “contagion” inside.
However, not only is the contagion closed in, but so are a bunch of church
goers.
This
movie is not a train wreck. This movie is not a disaster. This movie is a
train wreck of a disaster. Italian horror maestro Dario Argento produced
and co-wrote this movie, co-wrote is the key word here. This movie plays
out like two different movies spliced together somewhere in the middle.
The first half of the movie is about the crusaders, the killings, and the
history of the church. There are basically only two characters dealt with
during the first half of the movie. However, come the second half of the
movie, the two characters from the first half disappear, till the end, and
a whole new batch of characters enter the picture. After all the character
development concerning the first two people, there is zero development
concerning the second half crew. Total mess. It was like Argento wrote one
half, and the other co-writer wrote the second half without ever talking
about things. To be honest, the beginning of the movie was slow moving,
but the story was pretty good and I really thought it was leading
someplace good. Nope. The writing in the second half of the movie is
especially weak. At one point, a woman in the church is gruesomely killed,
but nobody really seems to care or make mention of it afterwards. Not even
the twelve or so school children stuck in the church seem bothered by it!
To cap this train wreck of a disaster off, the gore is lame and will have
you laughing, if anything else. Not surprising at all is the fact there
are a ton of loose ends that are never addressed and left dangling out
there for no reason. Wait, there is a reason. It’s called bad writing.
– Denis Sheehan
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