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I wrote this a long arse time ago, but never posted it. Honesty, I thought I
posted it, but didn't. So here you go...
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For
the past several years I have been writing ridiculous letters to companies,
politicians and celebrities on the hopes of receiving a reply. This was being
done to compile a collection of my letters and the responses I received to
publish a book. One of these letters, the one you are about to read, was sent to
Oprah Winfrey. As you will read, the letter is total garbage. I actually sent
the same letter a couple of times. So much time had come and gone I basically
thought I would not receive any response what so ever.
The
Oprah Winfrey Show
c/o Oprah Winfrey
P.O. Box 909715
Chicago, IL 60690
July 17, 1996
Dear
Ms. Winfrey,
Thank
you so much for producing such a great show. For the past couple of years I have
been entertained by you on a daily basis. Thank God you are still kicking. Can
you believe the garbage that infests out televisions, it is a down right shame.
Whenever I feel disgusted with today’s t.v. programs, I just tell myself that
you are still pumping out work everyday. Thanks to you, America has a talk show
it can believe in.
While watching the end of your show
the other day, I noticed that the Harpo logo appeared on the screen and there it
was, clear as day. In the name of all that is American, Harpo is Oprah spelled
backwards. I couldn’t believe it. Just to make sure, I spelled the two words
out and double checked it. Still in a state of disbelief, I called my Mother to
see if it was true. Sure enough, she agreed. In all of my 28 years have I never
made such a remarkable discovery. I wanted to write just to let you know of the
phenomenon.
Before I forget, I saw you in Chicago
about a year ago. You were walking down the street and I saw you coming. With
much excitement, I waved and tried to yell your name but nothing came out. I
tried yelling again, this time my jaw locked open. I couldn’t close my mouth.
When you passed me by I was too embarrassed to say hi. Maybe I’ll see you
again. If you happen to walk by a man waving to you with his mouth wide open,
that would be me.
Can
you please write back to me letting me know what you think of my Oprah/Harpo
discovery. How about a Harpo T-shirt and an autographed photo!
On The Ball,
Skip
Longsberry
P.S. Guess what racecar is spelled backwards.
On November 12, 1996 I came home to find a Federal Express overnight letter
sitting inside my door. Inside that envelope was letter that read:
11/11/96
Hi
Skip- Please call me. We got your letter and need to talk to you as soon as
possible, but we don't have your phone number! So call me (collect) when you get
this note.
Associate Producer
I deliberately
left out the associate producer’s name and her telephone and fax numbers. I
then sent a short fax back to Harpo Productions and they returned my fax. I also
am leaving these faxes out because they’re basically irrelevant. I finally
called and talked to the associate producer. She said she loved the letter I
wrote and wanted me to appear as a guest on the show. While talking with her I
had a cd playing in the background. She asked who the band was and when I
answered Screeching Weasel, she must of laughed for two minutes. When she
stopped laughing she told me they wanted me out there the following week. That
date was canceled and I didn’t fly out to Chicago until January 8,
1997.Thinking my name was Skip Longsberry, I had to tell them my real name for
travel identification at the airport. For the record, my real name is Denis
Sheehan and I’m from Hanover, MA. What follows is my experience.
My
brother Derek dropped me off at Logan Airport at 5:30 pm on Jan. 8. I picked up
my prepaid tickets and went to the assigned gate. When I arrived at the gate I
was informed that the flight had been canceled and I was put on another plane
that was departing in three minutes. The women told me to hurry to the other
side of the terminal. I was the last person on the plane and we took off from
Logan. The flight was uneventful, but it was one full of turbulence. It took
just over three hours to arrive at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport. When I walked
out of the runway there was a guy standing there holding a sign that had Sheehan
written across it. He introduced himself as Sang and told me that he would bring
me to my limousine. Besides the fact that he had long, pointed fingernails, Sang
was an average looking guy. Sang told me that he use to live in Boston’s north
end and he hated Boston drivers. Sang brought me to the limo and left.
The
limousine was huge. I got inside and we drove off to the Omni Hotel. The
driver’s name was Tom and he too lived in the Boston area a couple of years
ago. Tom took it upon himself to tell me his life story. He told me that he was
once a highly touted hockey goalie, but failed because of knee problems. Why do
most failed athletes blame it on their knees? He said he played the same style
as NHL goalie Phil Esposito. What a dolt, Tony Esposito was the goalie not Phil.
Tom said it was a 30 minute drive to the hotel, it felt like a two hour drive.
I
was dropped off at the hotel at around 8:45pm. I checked in and received my meal
vouchers, $50 for dinner and $25 for breakfast. When I got to my room around
9:00, I found out that the restaurant where the dinner voucher was redeemable
was closing at 10:00. I boogied off to the restaurant. I ate grilled swordfish
sitting at a huge window over looking some great scenery. I’m not one for
scenery, but this was cool. I
finished up and returned to my room. I was on the 14th floor and once
again the view was great. I called (checked in) with my girlfriend Denny. She
answered the phone half asleep so the conversation lasted about 15 seconds. It
was only 10:00, so I decided to tour Chicago.
I walked around for a little while. The parts of the
city I saw were pretty cool. The buildings in Chicago dwarf the buildings in
Boston. I stopped at a few bars and had a few beers. On the way back to the
hotel a homeless guy asked me for $4.75. This guy got right to the point. I said
no to him and suggested that he get a credit card machine. He laughed and said
it was a good idea and that he would run it by his accountant in the morning. I
wanted to walk around some more but it was too cold and windy. I thought my ears
were going to snap off my head and shatter on the sidewalk.
I woke up the next morning to find that the city was
covered with snow. We were in the middle of a storm. At 7:30 I met a limo to be
taken to the Harpo Studio’s. I rode in the limo with three people from
Oklahoma. One of them, a woman, was going to be on the show too. She was with
her husband, a huge Celtics fan, and a friend. Also in the limo was the woman
who invented the Michael Jordan cologne. She was a nice lady, but jesus, she
wouldn’t shut up. All she did was talk. When we arrived at the studio, we went
inside where we were subjected to the most security I’ve ever seen. It was
harder to get into the studio than it was to get into any airport I’ve ever
been in. Once inside I was led into
the green room were some other guests were waiting as well. Within the next 30
minutes about 15 people talked to me about what I was suppose to do. Some of the
people had me on their list as Skip Longsberry and others had me as Denis
Sheehan. It was confusing for them but hilarious to me. One thing I noticed
about the Oprah employees, every one of them was good looking. Not an ugly face
to be found. The associate producer told me I was going on in the third segment
and that I was going to read a condensed version of my letter (the second
paragraph and the post script). Not only was I going to read my letter, but
Oprah and I were going to call some other people on the phone. She said that I
was going to be on the air for about five minutes. I was told to stick to the
topic and not discuss anything else. There goes my plug for Bone Print
Publications. I then had to sign a bunch of release forms. After that I was
fitted with a microphone and they even put make up on me-ugh. As I waited for
the show to begin, I saw Oprah walk by the door to my room. She just walked
right by. She didn’t even bother sticking her head in to say hi or anything
like that. While I was waiting for my segment I was told that the phone calling
bit was being cut. The first two segments ran too long. I was only going to read
my letter. At this point I decided to go on as Skip Longsberry. I was in the
same room with the woman from Oklahoma, her name is Orpha, and she was real
nervous. She was even shaking. I felt bad for her and I tried to calm her
nerves. In the room with us was the mayor of a small town in Louisiana. He did
everything he could to scare Orpha. He kept on saying that more than a million
people would see her on t.v. He was a jerk. I told him to leave her alone. I
could tell that everybody in the room agreed with me. He didn’t say another
word. Finally, I was lead into the studio. The man who led me to the studio also
lived in Boston for a while. There were about 200 people in the audience. I was
looking around checking things out when I heard some one shout “Where’s
Skip?” I looked up at the stage and everybody was seated except for me. I
guess I wondered off for a few minutes. I ran up on stage and took my seat.
I was on stage with a woman and her son plus Orpha. The lights were so
hot it was unbelievable. I couldn’t imagine sitting up there for a full hour.
Oprah told some unfunny jokes but everybody laughed anyway. The music started to
play and we were filming. Oprah went to the mother and son first. When they were
done it was my turn. I read my letter and the audience laughed at a number of
things. I thought I sounded pretty good, but I’ll see when I view the tape.
After I read the letter, Oprah asked me about the second part of my letter. I
wasn’t expecting that, but I told the lock jaw story. That was it. I was done.
My five minutes turned into about a minute and a half, oh well. Orpha went next
and she did great. When the segment was over, Oprah came over and shook my hand.
She looked fake, like she was wearing a mask. I was led back to the green room
where the people in there said I did a great job. The cologne woman came over
from her room to tell me that she thought I did wonderful and to say that I
looked handsome. She thought I looked good in my shirt and tie- too bad they
belong to Derek. I washed my make
up off in a hurry. While sitting around waiting for the show to end I met Ernie
Banks, the hall of famer that use to play for the Chicago Cubs. He was appearing
on the show too. He was great. We talked for about five minutes. Being a huge
baseball fan, that was the highlight of this experience.
When the show was over the woman in charge of my travel
arrangements informed me that my 1:30 flight was canceled. I was now scheduled
to fly out at 4:00. I was going to be taken to the airport right away and have
reservations at the Admiral Club at the airport to hang around in. It was only
11:00am at this point. As I was leaving the studio I was given a thank you
present for appearing on the show. It was an Oprah coffee mug- great, I don’t
even drink coffee. When I stepped outside it was still snowing hard. I rode to
the airport with the mother and son that were with me on the stage. They are
from Lynn Massachusetts and were on the same flight as me.
The first thing I did when I arrived at the airport was
look at the departure monitors. Almost every flight out of Chicago was canceled.
So far mine wasn’t. Having about four hours to kill, I went to the Admirals
Club. I gave the receptionist my name and she didn’t have it on the list.
Since there was nothing I could do, I left to get lunch. Big mistake. I got some
food at McDonald’s and ate it. I decided to give the Admirals Club another
shot, this time they had my name. I went into the dining area to hang out.
Within 30 minutes I thought I was going to die. My stomach and head felt like
they were going to explode. Thanks McDonalds.
The time came to get to the gate. While I was walking
there, I noticed on the monitors that my flight to Boston was canceled. I was
happy to find out that the monitor was wrong and my flight was still scheduled
to leave on time. The flight home was hell only because I felt so sick.
Thankfully, it only took two hours to land in Boston. I landed, met my Mom and
she gave me a ride home. I gave her my coffee mug. It was 8:00 when I sat down
to watch the Boston Bruins game.
During that 27 hour time period I flew to Chicago, got
carted around in limousines, ate great food for free, toured the city, made a
guest appearance on a popular talk show, met Ernie Banks and flew back to
Boston. All this just because of a stupid letter I wrote, who would of thought?
It was great, I highly recommend it.
*****
I
originally wrote the above the day after returning from Chicago, so here is an
up date. My show aired on January 28, 1997 and has been re-run a few times. They
cut my lock jaw story out of the show. I, and most everyone, thought I sounded
good, but my Mom thought I sounded nervous, so who knows.
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