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IT'S
NOT MY FAULT!!
It’s
not my fault. Here is the phrase that plagues the 1990’s. Nobody takes any
responsibility for their own actions. Whether the blame is placed on parents,
music, movies, or the school system, responsibility is passed on to the next
guy. In today’s society, there is more finger pointing going on than a fat ass
police officer at Dunkin Donuts. Take a look in your local telephone book. Can
you believe how many lawyers exist! They exist to help the public get reimbursed
for the fact that they don’t know how to take care of themselves. Common sense
should help a person determine what is the wrong or, better yet, stupid thing to
do. No, not today. I’m stupid-give me money! Then when these geniuses get the
money, they blow it all on the lottery. When the money is all gone and bills
need to be paid, that’s right, they sue again. This time claiming that all
this money was handed to them without any knowledge of how to handle it. Never
fear when there is a lawyer near. Along
with all the lawyers, you can find just as many psychiatrists. These people are
here to help you “deal” with everything from your life’s failures to why
you feel manipulated by the toilet paper every time you go to the bathroom. The
best part about these mind doctors is they help you blame everything wrong with
your life on others by bringing suppressed memories to realization. Hey, you can
blame your stupidity on somebody for a reason you didn’t even know existed.
Even better, after you’re finished screwing people over for your failures,
feel free to write a book and hit the TV talk show circuit. Money and fame.
You’ll be such a success.
Since I touched on the book idea, try this. Go to
your nearest book store and check out the self help section. There are more
books to help people deal with such insignificant and petty problems than there
are other books put together. Do you know which book category is experiencing
the largest increase in sales for the past couple of years? These very same
self-help books. Worse than that, the sales of self-help audiotapes are
skyrocketing. I guess people with “special” problems feel they just don’t
have the time to read. I know there are children being raised by lousy parents,
but these books are not geared towards children, they are geared towards adults.
Save yourself some time and some money. Get over it and move on with your life.
A few days ago, I had my Grandmother over for dinner.
Knowing that I listen to “weird” music, she asked me ”Why do you listen to
that kind of music?” Being the quick thinking fellow I am, I replied, “Uh, I
don’t know.” After she left I started thinking. I’m the only one out of a
huge family who listens to punk rock. In high school, a friend and I were the
only two who listened to punk. It wasn’t easy either. I grew up about twenty
minutes outside of Boston. To get any type of punk records, we had to find
different ways of getting to Boston, which is a story within itself (and
possibly a future article). Punk fanzines with mail order info never even made
it my way. Why was I drawn away from the “main stream” and thrown into the
world of punk music? Well hey, why should I miss out on all the action? After
all, it can’t possibly be MY fault! I feel obligated to blame my musical taste
on some thing. Hmmm, lets see. I know! I’ll blame my love for punk music on
the popular music of the 1980s. During the span of the 1980’s, I was age 12 to
22. These years, I feel, are the music years. One can almost predict what their
music listening future will be by how their teen years and early twenties
unfold. Lets pretend that punk and independent music didn’t exist during the
80s. Lets take a look at and dissect, musically and not so musically, the
alternate choices.
The mainstream, popular music in the 80s can be
broken into a few sections;
1)
The end
of disco
2)
Heavy
Metal
3)
New Wave
4)
Glam,
hair spray metal.
First, the end of Disco. By the time 1980 rolled around Disco
was tired and basically done. Nobody follows something when the end is so close.
I still remember to this day New Year’s Eve 1980. The Village People were on
The Dick Clark Special. I remember the grown ups in the room making fun of those
guys. I really didn’t understand why they hated the Village People so much,
when only a few years before they were so popular. Any of you kiddies remember
the song “Macho Man”? I hope not. Go to your parents album collection, (you
know the large black, plastic circles) I’m sure you’ll find a copy of some
Village People record.
There were some other disco singers around, but I
can’t remember them. Maybe this is a good time to bring in a psychiatrist to
help me with my suppressed memories. Never mind, I might remember the cloths.
This is the same era when pants were known as slacks.
Wait
a minute. I have found an answer to my question. I was left out of the Disco
years. I have done it. I placed blame for my musical taste. But who can I sue?
Next
comes Heavy Metal. Wasp, Judas Priest, Krokus and Motley Crue. All these bands
were popular during my freshmen and sophomore years in high school. The lead
singer from Wasp wore a circular saw blade on his penis. Even at age 14 I cou ldn’t take a person like that
seriously, nor did I want to listen to any music he produced. Motley Crue put
more effort into their hair and make up then their music. I know these clowns
are still around, in fact they’re playing with Quite Riot at a pool party down
the street. Krokus plain out sucked and Judas Priest wore leather pants that
were just a tad to tight for me.
Besides the reasons mentioned above I can think of
another reason for not liking Heavy Metal. Where are they all today? Bands from
the 60’s and 70’s are still rolling around. How come none of the popular
heavy metal bands stuck around? I’ll tell you, because they stunk! The Rolling
Stones, Kiss, Aerosmith (yuck!) and The Who are all still kicking. This proves
that even though a band produces boring music, if they have some talent, they
can stick around. Speaking of The Who, does anybody know anyone that actually
likes The Who? The Who and Beck have a lot in common. They stick around and make
money, but I don’t know a single soul that likes either one of them.
O.K. Van Halen is still around.
Although, they are going on their 50th lead singer. Van Halen was 
huge in the early, David Lee Roth days. Stop and think about them for a minute.
All of their hits were cover songs. “You Really Got Me”, “Pretty Women”,
“Where Have All The Good Times Gone”, and ‘Dancing In The Streets” were
all rip-offs. So much for originality. I remember hearing Van Halen’s “Women
And Children First” album over a friend’s house and thinking it was pretty
cool so I bought it. When I opened the album, I found enclosed a poster of David
Lee Roth chained to a fence shirtless and wearing leather pants so tight his
feet were dark blue. That was it for me. I felt like I had just bought the bonus
issue of Teen Beat magazine.
Most of the British Heavy Metal bands were into the
devil-worshipping thing (ha, I bet you kiddies thought Marilyn Manson was the
first to do that). Grim Reaper and Iron Maiden are good examples. Fire,
explosions, blood and violence are fine if you’re in a war, but leave it out
of my music thanks. Speaking of violence, have you noticed how the younger kids
today can fight? I’m talking about the kids age 4 to 10. I think it’s
because they learn how to fight at such an early age by watching The Mighty
Morphin Power Rangers and The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on TV. These children
can land a flying spin kick to your scrotum while strategically landing a fore
arm chop to the throat before you even know they’re in the room. People my age
can’t fight because we grew up watching The Six Million Dollar Man and Kung
Fu. Remember these shows? All the fight scenes were in slow motion and that’s
how we fought. One can’t fight in slow motion and win.
O.K.,
I’ll admit it. When I was a freshman in high school I-this hurts so much- went
to an Ozzy Osborne concert at The Boston Garden. It gets better. Motley Crue was
the opening band. Look, the tickets were free and a friend and I just wanted to
go to see what it was like. We were in the seventh row and were amazed at how
the entire crowd did the same three things; 1) every one cried over some jerk
guitarist named Randy Rhodes who died in an airplane crash; 2) every one made
the same hand signals to each other. It looked like Spiderman shooting a web out
of his hand. Not o nly that, but when people did this,
they always felt the need to hang their tongue out; 3) for every slow song the
crowd lit their lighters and swayed together to the music. I have one question
to ask-WHY? Needless to say, my friend and I left early. As we exited The
Garden, a security guard said if we left we are not allowed back in. We
graciously thanked him.
Here’s
another thing that disturbed me about Heavy Metal bands. Why was it whenever a
band played, the lead singer, guitarist, and bassist would always line up
together and bob back and forth to the music. All the bands did this strange
line dance. I always felt sorry for the drummer. I often wondered if he felt
left out and isolated.
I
have another reason to blame for my love of punk rock. The Heavy metal bands of
the 80’s lacked talent in a big way and partook in strange rituals.
New
wave. Now here was a great idea. Get a band together, get funky haircuts, press
one button on a synthesizer, record one hit and then disappear. That was the
life of a new wave band. It was almost impossible to really get into New Wave
because every New Wave band that existed only did for two weeks. When was the
last time you heard from A Flock of Seagulls? How about The Fixx? The list goes
on.
Not
only did New Wave bands have a shorter life span than an infant pulling on the
genitals of an underfed pit bull, but there weren’t any good songs. Sure,
there were a lot of songs that were O.K., but not many earned it’s keep. Think
I’m crazy? Go to a record store and find three or four 80’s New Wave
compilations. Each one of those compilations will be 95% the same. Maybe one or
two songs will be different on each, but still, that’s not much to choose
from. Check out a 1970’s compilation. 70’s comps are usually five CD sets.
Not
only did these bands quickly disappear, but it wasn’t too hard to be in a New
Wave band. Take New Order for instance. These goons were known for walking off
stage in the middle of a concert. That’s fine, but the instruments kept on
playing after they left. That was when computers started to make an impact on
every day life. Why was it in the 80’s if you were into computers, you were
the geek from hell? However, in the 90’s, the more you know about computers,
the cooler and richer you are. In the 80’s, computers equaled pocket
protectors. In the 90’s, computers equal inline skates.
I
know this excuse is pretty lame, but it drove me insane during the New Wave
craze. There was a German woman named Nena, who I considered very cute until I
saw the giant bush under her arms, who sang a song called “99 Red Balloons.”
Well, that’s what I called it. If you were cool and hip to the scene, one
referred to this song as “99 Luft Balloons.” You could always tell which
people were really into New Wave just by how they referred to the name of this
song. I loved to annoy the New Wavers by calling this song “99 Red Balloons”
and having them correct me. 99 Luft Balloons, please, the last time I checked we
were in America waving the ol’ Luft, White, and Blue.
New Wave also
brought with it a new clothing style. The androgynous look. Half the time I
couldn’t tell if the person I found sexy was a boy or a girl! Being a straight
male, I didn’t like this. The men dressed very girly and prissy often making
their gender a tough call. At least the Heavy Metal men looked as if they had
been severely beaten with the ugly stick. To this day I still have nightmares of
Boy George.
I
have plenty of places to lay blame on New Wave for my love of punk. Ultra short
life for all bands, not many good songs, and too damn sexually confusing.
Glam,
hair spray metal. God help me with this one. Poison, Warrant, Faster Pussycat,
Bon Jovi -YIKES!! If you were lucky enough to own stock in a hair spray company
during the late 80’s, then you are a very rich person today. These types of
bands were mutations of Heavy Metal and New Wave bands. They took the guitar and
tight leather from Heavy Metal and mixed it with the androgynous look and hair
from New Wave. These guys came and went just as quickly as Heavy Metal and New
Wave. If it weren’t for Stewart on Beavis and Butthead, I would have
completely forgotten about Winger.
These
hair bands were often very sexual. All the songs were about sex, sex, and more
sex. Even the woman bands, Lita Ford and Vixon etc., were all sex. This is where
music became da ngerous. All of the music was
getting everybody horny. The problem was AIDS was just getting “popular”
then. The general public was not very educated when it came to aids in the late
80’s.As far as we knew, only heroin addicts and homosexuals got AIDS. As long
as you slept with the opposite sex and didn’t stick dirty needles in your arm
you were fine. We all know this is not true. Condoms? Nobody taught us about
using condoms. Hair Metal became popular when I was around 19. Those years were
my sex years. Not that I had sex all to much because all the girls I knew loved
the way these lead singers dressed and looked. Since I refused to dress like
that, I never got it. Not only did I not dress like them, but I’ve always had
really short hair. I’ve never even used a hairbrush or comb let alone hair
spray and mousse.
How about those headbands those jerks always wore.
You know why they wore headbands don’t you? They didn’t want the sweat to
make their mascara run.
Here’s another thing that pissed me off about these
bands. The band’s first release would always be a happy hair metal tune. The
second release would undoubtedly be a soft, crybaby, love ballad. I think this
started with Bon Jovi’s “Dead Or A live.” Motley Crue became a blast from the past by
re-releasing “Home Sweet Home.” More proof that Heavy Metal bands lacked
talent. They kept recycling old sappy songs. Reasons
to hate Hair Metal; Mutation of two lousy musics, too sexual for my taste,
caused a drought in my sex life, predictable ballads, and in one word-headbands.
There are a few major bands that were extremely
popular and successful in the 80’s that I haven’t touched yet.
-
Michael
Jackson- If I have to explain, you won’t understand.
-
Madonna-
Hey! In the 80’s she was fat. Sex and fat don’t mix.
-
Prince-First
off, this guy’s head is so huge I’m surprised he doesn’t need training
wheels to keep him from tipping over. Listen to any of his 80’s songs and
try to count how many times you hear a high-pitched “Hee, heeeyaa.” He
also liked to lick his lips to appear sexy-ick.
-
U2-
No matter who you are everybody likes one or two songs from these dudes
(yes, you too punker). While becoming millionaires here in the States, they
always took cheap shots at America. No support here.
-
Billy
Idol- Insert your own hysterical laughter here.
-
AC/DC-
If you heard one song, you’ve heard them all.
-
REM-
I could write a bunch about these clowns, but I will probably fall asleep
from remembering how boring they are.
There is another reason for turning
away from the popular music of the 80’s. Videos. During the 80’s we saw a
huge boom in the music video industry. There was MTV and, for the people without
cable, Friday Night Videos. On a daily basis musicians were paraded in front of
us on TV. This most likely turned me away the most. I actually got to see how
these popular bands acted like such jerks. I know there were some punk bands who
made videos, but they never got air play, so nobody ever saw them. Don’t get
me wrong, I don’t think there is anything wrong with a band making a music
video. It is how the video is made that matters to me. Videos often steer the
attention away from the music and focuses it on the overacting and artificial
flashiness of the band. I’ll never forget when a female friend said she
thought Poison’s  lead
singer’s (pictured) image was cool. Cool? What is so cool about having a
hairdresser, make up artist, and a wardrobe consultant fix you up for five hours
before you hit the stage or get in front of a camera? If a music video is made,
it should glorify the bands musical talents. Put the band on a stage, point a
few cameras at them, and let them play. It still amazes me when I hear how it
takes days, and some times weeks, to shoot a video. With the way most popular
music was marketed in the 80’s, and even more in the 90’s, people were and
still are most likely to like a video before the band or it’s music. I
believed then, and now, that these giant record labels think that my (our)
musical sense and taste is so shallow that I (we) will fall victim to their
marketing ploy. WRONG!
I know I’ve painted some pretty broad strokes, but
I’m sure you get the picture. As you just read, I had no choice but to follow
the punk rock music scene. It wasn’t my fault. I now feel as if I’ve been
accepted by the 1990’s. I have cast aside responsibility for my taste in
music. Even better, I did it while goofing on and insulting popular 1980’s
bands and their faithful followers. Just think, this was nothing. Can you
imagine the bashing I gave my cousin after I thumbed through his cd collection.
While searching for a cd to listen to, there it was. Out of nowhere. Like a
ferocious, venomous cow lurking in the shadows waiting only to scare one with a
frightful moo. Second to last row from the bottom. Eighth disc in from the
right. Vanilla Ice- To The Extreme.
Copyright© 1998 Denis Sheehan
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