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NITWITS IN THE CROWD
I
went to my first punk show back in 1982. Since then I have been to hundreds of
shows and seen plenty of odd and bizarre events take place. Not only do I go to
these things for great music and a little slam dancing (I refuse to refer to
slam dancing as moshing), I go to see how people act. Most of the time I
completely forget how the band was, but remember what everybody was doing at the
show. When I go to a punk show I often find that my attention has been diverted
from the bands to the crowd. More like the nitwits in the crowd. Believe me, I
know other people at these shows have probably looked at me thinking that I was
a nitwit. We all have done stupid or embarrassing things, including me. I have
just decided to write what I have seen or been a part of.
1995-The Ramones were playing in Boston at the Avalon
Ballroom. This show was reported to be their last in Boston ( it wasn’t), so
it was a full house. I arrived at the show midway through the opening act’s
set. I have no idea who these guys were. After they finished, the lights came on
and music was being played on the sound system. Standing next to me was a guy
around the age of 25. This guy was a punk rock know it all. He was blurting out
facts about every band and every show ever played in the United States. While he
was talking away, I wondered if he knew what he was talking about. At one point
he stropped talking and started shaking his head with a disgusted look on his
face. Then he starts talking to everyone around him saying “Listen to this
song everybody. Another Green Day rip-off. Why is there no original music any
more? One band breaks the mold and every band follows. Typical music
industry!" I looked at this guy in disbelief. The guy then starts yelling
”Green Day wanna be!” He starts waving his arms up and down trying to get
people to join him. Some body finally threw a drink at him and the guy turned
around and walked away. I notice on the back of his jacket was a small picture
of Sid Vicious. I now knew this guy was full of crap. That Green Day rip-off
song was The Sex Pistols “No Feelings”
November 92’- A friend and I were walking to catch
the Rollins Band at The Channel. We were about a mile from the venue when out of
nowhere somebody smashed me across the back of the head with something. I was
out cold. By buddy was not so lucky. Three guys beat the snot out of him. They
kicked him in the face knocking out five of his teeth, broke his jaw, and nose.
We never saw it coming. While we lay unconscious on the ground, the cowards
stole our money, leather jackets and our tickets to the show. I later woke up in
the hospital so the rest of this story comes from friends who were meeting us at
the Channel. After the morons stole our stuff, they wore our jackets to the
Rollins show. When our friends saw these guys with blood all over them wearing
our jackets (both of our jackets have distinguishing artwork all over them),
they knew something was wrong. My friend over heard the guys bragging about what
they had just done. After about an hour of talking with the cowards, my friend
offered to buy them all a beer and asked for their licenses. The three idiots
handed them over. My friend then walked over to the cop on duty and told the
story and gave the licenses to him. The three guys were arrested and went to
jail on other unrelated charges.
May 96’-This personal favorite took place at a bar
in Burlington, Vermont. I was doing guitar work for a friend's band called Elbow
Grease. I can’t play the guitar, but I sure can string one. About 45 minutes
before they went on, I was at the bar unsuccessfully trying to pick up a chick.
This guy wanders up next to me and introduces himself to the bartender as Ben
Weasel. Being a Screeching Weasel fan, I looked up in a hurry. Now, I don’t
know Ben Weasel and I’ve never even seen him, but this dude was not Ben
Weasel. I don’t think Ben has tattoos covering both of his arms from wrist to
shoulder. I also don’t think Ben has OZZY tattooed on his fingers. I decide to
play with him. I start talking with him about how much I like the Boogada and
Wiggle cds. I will admit he knew his Screeching Weasel, so he was a fan. As the
rumor got around that Ben Weasel was in the club, people started to gather
around. This guy was getting free beer and asked for his autograph. I couldn’t
believe people were falling for this.
The time came for Elbow Grease to play. I went to the stage and hung out
doing my job. About four songs into the set I explained to the band about the
Ben Weasel impersonator. I had an idea. I took the mike and asked for
everyone’s attention. I announced that Ben Weasel was here. Like it had been
rehearsed, the joker stands on the bar and starts waving to the crowd. People
applauded. I then invited “Ben” to come up and play Ashtray (off of Boogada)
with the band. He yells “Most definitely. Right after I drain the dragon!”
Yes, those were his exact words. He disappeared into the bathroom and I followed
behind him. Sure enough, when I opened the door, “Ben” was trying to crawl
out a small window. He couldn’t fit. When he exited the bathroom, Elbow’s
lead singer Mike, announced to the crowd what was going on. This guy had to walk
out of that bar with people covering him with beer and spit. He wasn’t happy.
To this day I can’t figure out why so many people knew Ben Weasel enough to
want his autograph, but not enough to know it really wasn’t Ben.
1988-This happened along time ago and I will never
forget it. Six or seven local punk bands were playing at a VFW Hall in
Cambridge, Massachusetts. There were about 50 people in attendance. This was an
all ages show and no alcohol was being served. Three of the bands played without
a hitch. Every one was having a great time. Before the forth band went on, I saw
a guy about 20 stagger into the hall. This guy was messed up on either drugs or
alcohol. The next band started playing and they were unreal. I have no idea who
they were, but they had the entire hall going crazy. Maybe five minutes into the
set, the drunken guy starts a fight in front of the stage. The band stops
playing and the lead singer stands in between the two combatants and says “
Come on guys, I’m catching some bad vibes down here. Lets calm down.” The
singer stops and looks at the drunk. The drunk shakes his head and mumbles “
Ya, ya, ya all right,” Then he yells “ Here’s a finger in your eye!”
This jerk buried half of his index finger on his right hand into the singer’s
eye socket. It happened so fast. It was absolutely the most painful looking
thing I’ve ever seen happen to anyone. The singer fell to the ground screaming
and I don’t blame him. The rest of the band and about 10 kids jump on and
started beating the drunk. A friend and I picked up the singer, threw him in my
car, and drove him to the hospital. He ended up being all right. The finger went
under the eyeball. The drunk was given a brutal beating. I haven’t seen him
since.
1992-I was in South Carolina working for a few weeks and
decided to go to a few punk shows. I was in a bar called something like Jumpers
or Jumper Cables, I can’t remember. I didn’t know anybody so I was standing
off to the side watching the slamming. In walks this guy who was about 6’
4”, 250 lbs. This guy had more muscles than most small towns. He walks into
the middle of the pit, sporting his cut off shirt and shorts, and stops. He
reaches into his fanny pack (?) and pulls out a plastic spoon and a jar of
Gerber’s baby food. He stood in the middle of the pit, rocking his head back
and forth, eating his baby food. After eating his second jar, he turned around
and left. Technically, this guy might not be a nitwit, but he sure was a weird
one.
1989-Before I write this story, I must
explain something. Before The Channel (Boston) closed down a few years ago, the
bouncers who worked there were known for being maggots. They enjoyed grabbing
people half their size and throwing them around like a rag doll. They often
ruined good shows.
Danzig was playing on a hot summer night
. The place was jammed and it was unbelievably hot. The crowd was having a good
time and of course there were plenty of stage divers. The bouncers tried their
best to grab, over aggressively, the divers and kick them out of the club. No
big deal. One skinny kid gets on stage and leaps off. This huge bouncer grabbed
the kid by his arm mid air. Some of the people in front of the stage grabbed the
stage diver’s feet. The result was a tug of war. Another bouncer joined in
ripping off the diver’s shirt. The huge bouncer was pulling hard on the kids
wrist and before you knew it, the kid’s arm suddenly became six inches longer.
The kid started screaming. His shoulder or his arm became dislocated. The crowd
immediately let go, but the bouncers proceeded to yank the kid around in obvious
pain. I know bouncers have a job to do, but they don’t have to tear off
people’s arm in the process.
1996-Tree was playing at The Middle East in Cambridge,
Ma. The crowd inside was a violent one. Lots of fights.
After catching an errant boot to the groin, I decided to go outside for a
while to shake (not literately) the effect. While sitting on the sidewalk, two
groups of men came out and started arguing. One group was three or four Latinos;
the other was six or seven white guys. No punches were being thrown, only
pushing. I sat and watched as one of the Latino guys walked away towards a car
and opened the trunk. I thought this guy was getting a gun. I was wrong. Instead
he pulled out a two-foot machete. He walked back to the group of arguing men. He
stopped about ten feet from them, bent over, and started to scrap the machete
back and forth against the concrete sidewalk. While he did this, sparks were
flying all over the place. The whole time he was yelling in Spanish. Needless to
say, when the white guys turned to this maniac with a sparking machete, they
turned and walked away-intact.
1994- Rollins
Band in Providence, Rhode Island. When I walked into Lupo’s I thought I had
just entered study hall. Seventy five percent of the people were writing away in
notebooks. Obviously, these people were also fans of Henry Rollins the writer
and spoken word artist. So am I in fact. I was standing up against a concrete
wall. At my feet sat a young kid basically twiddling his fingers. From around
the corner walks Rollins himself. He stops about five feet from me and the kid
next to me. The kid suddenly reaches to his back pocket and pulls out a folded
notebook and pen. He starts feverishly writing into the notebook. He was really
going at it. Feeling a little nosy, I look to see what exactly he is writing.
Get this, he was writing absolutely nothing. He didn’t even have his pen
cocked to write. Rollins walks away and the kid puts his notebook and pen away.
Copyright
1998 by Denis Sheehan
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