Since I started working very part time for a
carting company, several people have said, “You should watch Party
Down.” I did. Seasons one
and two. Season one is the better season, but season two is well worth the
viewing if’n you liked season one. I sho’ did enjoy the heckers out of
Now, go enjoy the heckers out of the weekend.
review as discussed in my 3.29 post (down there).
The Baytown Outlaws…good
over the top redneck violence riddled with some tenderness and a song by
Hank III, goddamit! And you thought the gangs in The Warriors were zany…
4.5- I was 18 years old and that summer, the summer of the “diving board”
(story for another time and different audience) my
mom and step dad did a lot of traveling. Naturally, this demanded my
younger brother and sister (they’re twins and about two years younger
than me) and I host several “gatherings” while the cats were away. For
the teen back then our house was Avalon…pool, pool table, pinball
machine, and a juke box. What I found strange about my siblings’ Polo
drenched male friends is each would bring his own beer to the gatherings,
which is cool, but would walk around carrying the goods never allowing it
to be more than an arm’s reach away. This was back in the day when cans
of beer were housed in suitcase looking boxes. I ker-rap you not, they
would walk around the house carrying a suitcase of cheap shyt beer; Busch,
Keystone, Coors, et al. It was so funny watching these fellas play pool:
take a shot, pick up the beer, walk to the other side of the table to take
another shot, repeat, rinse. Oh, and seeing them jam to a tune playing on
the jukie while trying their best to not shake up the beers was a true
delight. I now realize why they did this, at least at my house. You see,
if they put the beer in the fridge, I often took it, passed it to my
friends, and down the hatch it went. Sure, we had our own beer, but
someone else’s beer always tastes much better. During one particular
blowout, one of my brother’s best friends “caught” me, I wasn’t
exactly being stealth about it, taking his beer and gave me a shove. Well,
I shoved him the shove of a champion shover and sent him arse over elbow.
He then yelled, half crying, “Don’t shove me, Denis!” and ran off. I
actually felt bad about this incident because although this kid was bad
news, he was alright. However, these days he’s in jail and could easily
whoop my bucket without blinking an eye. A few days after this weekend
blowout, my brother called me on swiping the beer and I fully admitted to
it because my house my beer is how my brain figured it. “Denis, you
can’t do that,” my brother said. “Beer to a sixteen year old is like
gold.” A genius way of putting it, really. And he was absolutely right,
but what he didn’t know was Mother happened to turn the corner just
before he spoke those words of ageless wisdom. As you can imagine, Lil’
Bro got a speaking to and firm finger wagging while I, even though the
culprit (dick), innocently wondered off and drove away in my car with a
trunk full other people’s warm beer that would most certainly be chilled
and knuckle backed another time.
Here's something new considering this is a review site...a DVD
review! Who would've guessed?
And now for the weekend. You are a future serial killer and this
weekend is your family pet. You know what comes next...
3.29- Years and issues ago, Askew Reviews had chick who contributed her
writings. Amy. Amy Bugbee was her name and Amy Bugbee is still her name.
Amy has a husband. Shane Bugbee is his name and this
is their Facebook page for liking. A few years ago, the two traveled
the USA for one year in their car with almost no money, no jobs, and
nowhere to zzzzzz. Once settled, they documented-book and movie- their
travels, their experiences, and the diverse words of many others they
interviewed along the way. At some point, I will have a more in-depth look
at this "boovie," but why not have a lookie right now on yer
own...The Suffering and Celebration of
Life in America.
Now, I am off to make me and eat me
some rabbit gumbo while enjoying the symphony of cries sung by little boys
and girls over empty Easter baskets.
The Man Outside
While standing in front of my window scratching behind my cat’s
ears, I saw my neighbor-who lives across the street- walk out of his house
to his car carrying a large bag of returnable cans and plastic bottles. As
he tried to stuff the bag into the back seat, a two liter plastic bottle
broke free and rolled under the car. The man placed the bag into the car
and got down on his hands and knees to retrieve the escaped bottle, which
rested out of reach from every angle. The man, who I’m guessing is in
his mid to late 60s, painstakingly returned to his feet and walked into
his house. A gust of wind then blew the bottle from under the car in the
opposite direction of the house and across the driveway. Moments later,
the man exited his house holding a long handled floor broom. Blue handle,
yellow bristles. The kitchen broom, I suspect. The man crouched back down
and looked under the car giving things a double take, as if somewhat
confused, after discovering the bottle was now missing or invisible. The
wind gusted again sending the bottle over the sidewalk and onto the street
where it tumbled a few times along the curb. The dancing bottle against the
asphalt must’ve created some noise because it got the man’s immediate
attention. He got up and lumbered toward the bottle, which ran from him
fueled by the wind. Thinking quickly and smartly, when within reach the
man extended the broom and corralled the bottle under the yellow bristles.
With one foot on the street and one on the sidewalk, the man awkwardly
bent over and picked up the bottle.
3.17- When I was in my early 20s, my friends and I attended a comedy show at a basement comedy club in Harvard Sq Cambridge, MA. Two of the chicks with us were hard core women libbers and after the show, as we hung out on the sidewalk, complained about one of the jokes a comedian told. As they complained, the offending comedian appeared and circled us defending himself and the joke, “It was only a joke.” We later saw him in a nearby MBTA station and he played like he was shielding himself from us. It was funny and he was funny. In the few years that followed this night, that comedian had good parts in The Godfather III, Ghost, became addicted to heroin, contracted AIDS, and soon thereafter died from a pulmonary embolism.
To celebrate my six days of
sobriety, which will end today, Askew
Reviews 15 (PDF) is free until Monday.
3.15- Ahoy thar, maties. I done
recently watched Intruder (1989. Not rated. 88 min. Synapse Films.
Blu-Ray/DVD pack) and feel completely silly that this fun slasher flic
somehow eluded me for all these years. We have this supermarket in
Michigan and not only is it closing time, it’s also KILLING time. Ya, I
went there. Locked in the store are several people who get picked off one
by one with each killing more creative (aka yucky) than the last. Directed
by Scott Spiegel and stars Renee Estevez, Sam and Ted Raimi…look for
Bruce Campbell, too! I found the kills fun and also found myself digging,
and sometimes perplexed by, certain camera angles/views. One view will
certainly confuse younger viewers! This here version is the director’s
cut and includes many extras. Fer sure a good fit for your own midnight
In 30 years, when yer looking back on your life, make sure this
weekend stands out loud and clear. Cheers!
3.9- I was 9 or 10 when I made my
first visit to Fenway Park. If I correctly remember, I was with my uncle,
cousin, and my younger brother. I sat with my brother while my uncle and
cousin sat elsewhere. I was in awe: the field, Green Monster, the sounds
of the game. However, I was nervous and scared because back then I was
always nervous and scared. We sat maybe ten or eleven seats deep into the
row of grandstand seats. Tiny blue seats too small even for a scrawny 9/10
year old. Next to me was a teenager and his friend. He was maybe 17 with
glasses and blonde hair sporting a style suggesting his barber had a bowl
fetish. Three or four innings into the game, the teenager lit a joint and
passed it back and forth with his friend. I had a small idea of what was
going on, but not 100%. I felt a nudge on my side and I looked at him. He
held the joint out to me offering me a pull. I said no. “You might as
well. If I get caught they’ll throw out the entire row. That’s what
they do,” he said. I was terrified. I thought for sure my brother and I
would get thrown out of my beloved Fenway into the mitts of the junkies,
bums, and pickpockets waiting outside forever separated from my uncle and
cousin. A half inning or so later, the two stoned teens left and never
returned. I loved baseball and the Red Sox and that kid ruined what should
have been a nonstop great time. I like to think if I ever run into that
guy again, I’d toss the law, lawyers, and civility to hell and certainly
bust his snout with a quick right.
3.5-I have never been much of a video
game person. Yes, I have played some but never got into them because I
lack patience. A few years ago, I heard about a video game called Red Dead
Redemption and it did pique my interest, but I never acted upon that
interest (same can be said about any Star Wars game). On Feb 28, my
daughter turned 12 and one of my gifts to her was the Xbox 360 video game
console. And a week earlier, my sister’s (cougar) boyfriend lent me his
copy of Red Dead Redemption. So far, I’ve spent a total of maybe 60
minutes playing the game. My first annoyance came when a task demanded
“I” lasso a wild horse and break it (ride it). I caught the wild
horse, jumped off my horse, and mounted the wild stallion but the
ba’sterd bucked me off its back. I went again and broke the horse. I was
then instructed to get back onto my regular horse to capture more wild
ones. Problem…my horse beat hoofies out of there. So I run around
looking for the backstabber…then the game calls me a failure and quits
on me. Nice. My next go around, I somehow end up in some town and I have
no idea what I’m supposed to do. I enter a saloon (of course) and head
upstairs and try to buy some time with a prostitute (hoping she’s a
tranny). She walked away after we both discovered I did not have enough
money. So, I shot her and now I’m suddenly the bad guy with every bow
legged swinging dick pumping my outlaw arse with lead. Ya, game ended
again calling me a failure. What the shyt? So much for the wild west!
2.18- Recently watched (via Netflix)
the documentary “Shut Up Little Man! An audio Misadventure” and found
it rather funny and interesting. The doc concerns two elderly male
roommates, Ray and Peter, who loudly argue when drinking and the two
neighbors who recorded/exploited the verbal exchanges. The arguments were
put on cassette tape (this was back in the late 80s) and quickly became
popular resulting in comic books, plays, a movie, and of course legal
issues. The star of this documentary is the all too little (after all,
they do have CDs to sell) audio of the arguing roommates; how these guys
used words to battle is priceless, “You always giggle falsely! You
don’t have a decent giggle in you!” Great stuff!
If you do not want to bother with the documentary, here's
an almost ten minute sample of Ray and Peter.
2.10- Dearest Readers...Long shot....anyone have a copy of this book I could
borrow: The Death of Kiera and Davey and the Adventures Preceding Their
Demise by Emily J. McAllister
I bought it for my daughter about 4 yrs ago and
now she's doing some big report on it, but she lost the book and she needs
the actual book for her presentation, of course. The book is out of
print, can not find it at the library, and is not for sale on ebay. If’n
you have a copy, I’ll pay for all shipping and return it…email me; firstname.lastname@example.org
2.5- Shellback Caribbean Spiced Rum
(Barbados): Stronger than the Capt (80 proof vs 70 proof). Very strong
vanilla taste with no added sugar, but still sweet with a low spice tang
at the end. Very dry, as well.
2.4- Years ago I worked with a guy
who collected nips (little bottles of alcohol). He especially liked brands
of booze that were not sold in Massachusetts, so he often traded with
people from other states via the mail (mailing booze back then was
illegal, not sure if it still is). When the collection reached about two
hundred nips, his mother’s boyfriend moved into the house. His
mother’s boyfriend was an alcoholic. I think you know what happened
1.19- Because my Satterday is not going as planned...here's a
short book review.
1.18-Brief exchange with my daughter while on our
Saturday morning walk:
“Dad, it’s cold. Can we go home?”
“No, it’ll but hair on your balls.”
“Dad, I don’t have those.”
I've nothing more and you are dismissed to diss yer liver, liver
1.11- Long time Askew Reviews contributor Gary Every
finally has a web site. I love the
stuff this guy writes!
I done watched a few movies:
Releasing) Rated R. Approx 2 hours. VHS is a collection of “found
footage” shorts written, directed, and starring different people. Other
than horror, there is no connection between the shorts. Viewers get some
spooks, gore, and even some good ol’ fashioned nudity. I did, at times,
find the shaky Jake camera work annoying as this type of filmmaking is
really starting to get boring. However, VHS is purdy cool and well worth a
The Life and Death of a Porno Gang (Synapse
Films). Not Rated. 112 minutes. Serbian language w/English subs. In
Serbia, a young filmmaker gets his arse into some trouble and gets the
fuck out of Dodge right quick. Knowing he’ll need to repay the debts at
some point, the Serbian Speilberg wannabe gathers a troop of sex
performers to travel together and put on side shows to raise cash. Wanting
to make an even faster buck (or whatever their money is over there), the
gang agrees to film-in an artsy way-snuff films. Well, as you can imagine,
it’s all downhill from there. Nutty conflicted characters and lots of
floppy Euro wangs and boobies. The movie does have its violence and blood
and is a complete mood downer. Don’t watch before heading out to be the
life of the party!
1.6- When I was but a lad, ‘twas dining one evening with
Mommy Dearest and younger twin brother and sister in a fine eatery (an
eatery years later I was offered a job and soooo regret not taking) in
Hanson, MA. At some point during the meal, Dearest handed me a piece of
paper and pen and said, “Go over there and ask that man for his
autograph.” I looked at him and did not recognize the seemingly ancient
man, but did so anyway. The man signed, Woo to you! Arnie “Woo Woo”
Ginsburg. Turns out he was some fancy pants popular oldies DJ back in the
ol’ Boston days. I was not impressed and failed to care. However, I
still remember this story and have nothing else to add so you can go now.
Recently read "86'd" by Dan Fante. I loved the
debauchery, self destruction, and humor, but haaaaaaaaated the ending.
With that, I do think it's a great book to swallow with yer
Ok. Go now.
12.28- Ok…the ultra graphic nonfiction short story I wrote
over the summer will soon be available in mini chap book form on the
cheap…approx fourteen pages. More info for you to ignore coming soon,
And, Exsicion is a purdy good "girl sho' gone cray
cray" movie. Check it out, fine people.
12.22- Really excited and looking forward to my annual
Christmas Eve Bedwetting. This year’s theme: Asparagus. So, let's get to
bed wetting, bed wetters!
12.7- Today I tried Vlasic's "Farmer's Garden"
pickle...unless you want the jar to use for your moonshine, do not fall
for this gimmick. Not much of a taste beyond the bitter vinegar's bite and
the slight crunch seems more of an aferthought to the pickle's sogginess.
Yuck. I know I've mentioned it here in the past...you can't lose with
Grillo's Pickles. Well worth the extra cash.
Why not buy the Bone Print Sixer
for someone you hate?
Other than that, I've nothing fer yer arse.
Enjoy the weeknd.
11.30- DVD review.
Enjoy the weekend, jerk.
11.23-While reaching for something on the shelf in my laundry
room, the right side of my hip shifted the dryer causing it to move
thereby pinching my Mr. Sunshine between it and the washing machine. Major
ouchie. It may be black Friday to you, but it’s black and blue Friday
Check out my books.
11.22- Note to the young, but of age, chicks out there…if’n yer
going to invite that special guy back to your place, there are a few items
of the boozin’ variety you should keep stocked. First and only, never
tell a guy you have beer at home when said beer is “light” beer. If
the guy is looking for light beer, then he’s not the man for you. A true
man has it in him to work off a full bodied beer. Now, when it comes to
beer your best bet is to keep things safe. Any beer drinking male will
happily pour a Budweiser down the hatch without complaint. Having a sixer
of Bud bottles in the fridge will do wonders while remaining simple.
However, something like Sam Adams will also do, as will PBR (he’ll
either love it or hate it, but def thing yer cool for having it).
Personally, I’d love to see a pack of Harpoon IPA in there, but some
guys may find that too bitter…and honestly, it’s not the best make-out
beer out there as it makes for gummy saliva. Sure you may run into the
occasional beer snob, but do you really want one of “those” in your
life, if even for an hour, at this point in your relationship? Nah. Ok,
beer score settled. Next, true booze. Having one or all three of the next
ensures a winning late evening: Jack Daniels, Jameson Irish Whisky, Capt
Morgan spiced rum. Can’t lose, really. However, if you wish to stand out
from the rest…Gentleman Jack Daniels is oh so smooth…ok, you can’t
substitute Jameson…Sailor Jerry spiced rum is higher priced and much
stronger than the Captain, and will-or should- certainly thrust you to the
front of the line as a fierce woman. Of course, if you’re going to stock
the mentioned booze, best make sure you have ice, some sort of cola, and
ginger ale will also work with the Jack and Jameson. Oh, and a clean
drinking glass or two (for the slobs). Yes, there is a ton of stuff you
can choose to keep stocked for that “special” 2 am moment, but the
before written of is readily available and will not break your bank…but
will make that man happy above and beyond the happiness he already feels
being with you, you sexy skank you. Bottoms up and knuckle back! Oh, and
if you choose to implement this advice, well, please do give me a call…
11.17- Watched an indie movie the other night I’m
sure was awful. However, since I was drinking it was the greatest movie in
cinematic history, at the time.
10.24- I find it amazing how
when fallen leaves are rustled about by the wind, it sounds like a country
bubbling brook. It’s relaxing. Too bad in 20 years it’ll probably make
me have to pee.
10.19- (read in your best crotchety old man voice) These
got-dang kids today! They have it so easy when it comes to music. When I
was a kid, I would often buy an album based on one song or the band.
Because of this, if while listening to the album I wanted to know the
title of an unfamiliar song, I had to cross reference the album cover or
try and read the record’s label as it spun around and around. Nowadays,
these spoiled brats only need to look at their iWhateverTheyHave.
Back when I was a young handsome stud writing the letters that made
up The Longberry Letters, I’d say
8 out of 10 companies responded. About a year ago, I began writing letters
for another book. This time around, the number of replies is about 2 out
of 10. Sure shows what we already know…huge decline consumer relations.
10.5- Brain Scribbles of Yesterday…I was in the second
grade and because I was a stressed out chicken shit nervous wreck of a
turd, I most likely cried my eyeballs out when I remembered I needed a
sweatband for my head as instructed by Mr. Black, my gym teacher (yes, the
same gym teacher who humiliated me that same year after I loudly popped a
fart in class, as you most certainly read in my first book, A Nobody’s
Nothings. Crap, I think it’s in my first book). Anyway, I am sure I
realized this at 7 am as my mother hurried three kids to get ready for
school. Now, I do not recall if this was my mom’s idea or mine, but I
ended up going into gym class sporting a head band made from the waistband
from my father’s boxers. I remember walking into the gymnasium and being
halted by Mr. Black as he strangely gawked at my headband…Though I am
unsure of my exact age, I am guessing it was year 7, 8, or 9. My cousins
from the big city (Dorchester, MA) came to visit us one fine summer day in
Hanson, MA (suburb south of Boston). One of the many activities we partook
of was playing a festive game of “guns.” As we ran around my backyard
and woods (or as my city slick cousins called it, “The Forest”) my
older cousin Kenny took aim of his younger brother, my younger cousin,
Keith and filled him with imaginary lead. However, Keith continued to run,
so Kenny yelled, “Keith, I got you!” Keith stopped mid-stride, turned
towards Kenny and said, “What?” It’s too bad real “guns” isn’t
like this…One summer when I was maybe 10, my cousin Bernie (who I lived
with for a year after my wife and I split; ‘twas a great year, indeed.
One time we went out and got trashed at some local Dedham bar where two
fatties filled us with premium spirits and wanted to go home with us. Of
course, I was all in, but Bernie, although three sheeted, took control,
“There’s no way they are coming home with us. I’m from this town and
I will have to answer for it if we leave with them.”) One summer, Bernie
went away to camp and upon his return, all he talked about was how the
camp food gave him nonstop diarrhea. And we listened. Boys will be
boys...Another summer around age 10, I went with my cousins (Keith and
Kenny’s family) to their cousin’s house down on Cape Cod (Buzzard’s
Bay, I believe). We only stayed the weekend, but it was another world for
me; the ocean, the beaches, swimming to the docks in the bay (yes, being
touched by the unseen seaweed scared the snot out of me, every time), and
hanging with kids a few years older than me. We spent a lot of time with
my cousins’ cousin, who one night invited out a female friend of his.
This female friend brought along a friend, or possibly family member, from
another state (I recall she sounded Southern) named Danielle. The second I
saw her, I fell head over heels. I’m talking a cartoon Cupid appeared
and sunk an arrow deep into my face. Of course, since I was such a shy
nerd, I barely looked at her, though I did manage to sit next to her at
the movies. When we returned home, I told my cousin and his cousin how
much I dug Danielle. Weeks later, I found out they told Danielle of my
crush and that her response was, “Ewwwww!” (I am taking liberties with
the total w count). I knew right then and there that women would be a
lifelong issue for me…I was in sixth grade and that year was the year of
the “Slam Book.” The Slam book was a notebook with a question written
on each page and each line on every page was numbered. What you did was
sign your name on a numbered line on the first page and answer the
questions throughout the entire Slam Book making sure you remained on the
same numbered line, so all answers tied back to the same person. The
questions ranged from name, favorite tv show, favorite song, and of course
who you “liked,” found to be the cutest in school and who you wanted
to have as a boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. They were silly, but this one Slam
Book emerged; a female only Slam Book. The girls did a great job of
keeping this female only Slam Book hidden from male eyes. Until, that is,
my friend Matt and I, ditched out of lunch early (which was a HUGE deal
because we attended a strict catholic school) to find that forbidden Slam
Book. First, we rummaged through the desks of girls in one sixth grade
class. Nothing. We hit the next sixth grade class and I unburied the
treasure. It was like finding money, only better. I remember to this day
holding it up and saying, “I’ve got it!” We stole the mighty girl
only Slam Book. After lunch, when we all were ushered to the little
boy’s room for pee-pee break, we-the boys- huddled around the notebook
as we first checked out the sign in page. We then skipped the nonsense
questions to the cutest boy, boyfriend, who do you like pages. Jeff
Coburn. F’in Jeff Coburn was listed on every line of “important”
pages by every girl. It was the most disappointing event in all of our
lives. Except Jeff’s…Growing up in Hanson, MA I lived on a cul-de-sac
street called Steven St. Through the woods (forest to some) and down the
hill ran another street where the Olsens lived. I honestly do not recall
who lived there, other than Steven and his older brother whose name I can
not remember. Steven was a year or two older than me. For whatever reason,
the kids on my street hated the Olsen boys and they hated us. Every chance
we got, we fought with them. Not physical fighting, but more along the
lines of throwing shyt at each other and wrecking each others’ tree
forts (tree fort building was big in my youth). Why we did not get along
with the Olsen boys is unknown to me, but I suspect I was following the
lead of the older kids who lived on my street. I thought they were ok
because they built the greatest tree forts. Seriously, they had functional
windows and wallpaper in their tree forts! Still, if we happened upon a
foreign tree fort, we wrecked it, and they wrecked ours. Always. No
exception. One night, I was walking down the aisle of a toy store and saw
Steven Olsen walking towards me. I knew I was doomed. Destined to get
pounded by him based only on the fact he could build a better tree fort
than my friends and I. To my credit, I did not turn the other way to avoid
the oncoming conflict, which surprised even me. He was taller than me. He
was tougher looking than me, by a county mile. And he was certainly going
to hurt me. As we passed, we locked eyes. As I tensed and readied myself
to recoil from a smack, he grinned and simply acknowledged me with a chin
up head nod…My mom, 1 of 10, was born and raised in Dorchester. Growing
up, most of my extended family lived in Dorchester, except for my Mom’s
younger sisters, Rita, who lived in Norwell with her family; husband and
two kids named John and Carrie-both a bit younger than me. Because they
were our closest cousins, we visited them a lot. Living down the street
from John and Carrie was a kid named Joey. Joey had Down Syndrome so I
have no idea how old he was when I knew him. I always thought he was
around my age, but Down Syndrome kids are always way older than what you
think. So I was maybe 12 and he was probably 52. Often, when we visited
John and Carrie, Joey would come over and we all played together. One
time, Joey had a doctor’s kit and he asked me to be his patient. Since
we were in the front yard and I was only trying to be nice to the
“retard,” I said ok. I laid down on the grass as the other kids ran
around and did whatever they were doing. Joey broke open his doctor kit
and put on whatever you call those things doctors use to listen to your
heart. However, instead of using the instrument, he placed his ear against
my chest to check my heart. He then began to gently pump my chest as if
trying to revive me. It was all fun and games until Joey leaned over and
gave me mouth to mouth resuscitation. I quickly and forcefully pushed him
away and told him that was not cool. Understanding he was “special,” I
left it at that. Across the street from John and Carrie lived a family who
had two kids, Steven and Diane (I think). Steven was a known troublemaker,
and I think Diane picked up on his attitude. Steven was about my age, but
Diane was a good few years younger than I. Diane picked on Joey, nonstop.
It was mean and relentless. One time while we all played on the street, a
car drove towards us. We all cleared the street to allow the car to pass.
Suddenly, Joey darted in front of the car causing Dianne to scream a
horrific scream for Joey’s safely, “Joey, no!” Joey did not get hit
by the car. It was then we realized although Diane was mean to Joey, deep
inside she cared about him…Just to reiterate, as if it’s not already
drilled into your skull, my family is from Dorchester and I spent a lot of
my youth in that place, though I only lived there until about age 5.
It’s a city type area loaded with three-decker apartment houses and one
would let people know where they lived by parish name; St. Margaret’s,
St. Mark’s, etc (at least that is how I remember it as an outsider). The
streets were not all that wide with on street parking making things
tighter. During the summer, the ice cream truck would drive down the one
way street, find a spot to park, and sit there. The ice cream truck that
frequented the area of my grandparent’s/aunt and uncle’s three-decker
was a rounded boxy looking green truck. I do not even remember if its
greenness adorned ice cream signage. As far as I recall, this ice cream
truck only served soft serve ice cream. None of today’s typical silly
commercially themed ice cream bar nonsense. It was the best ice cream
truck and to this day, I wish it was still around. So, as all kids do,
when the truck would parallel park on St. Margaret’s Street, we would
run to our parents begging for money to purchase ice cream cones. We would
wait in line, get our cones-vanilla, chocolate, or mixed twist- and
immediately run to the back of the truck where compressors spewed through
screened grates steaming air at a hurricane’s pace. I recall standing in
the summer heat nestled between the truck’s rear bumper and a parked
car’s front bumper feeling my long arse hair being blown by the fans and
licking the soft serve ice cream as it ran down my hand trying my best to
keep up with the quickly dwindling cone.
Enjoy the weekend!
9.21- Whenever I see a movie with descriptions such as
avant-garde, surreal, or mind trippy, I basically know and expect the
thing to be made up of nonsensical nonsense that basically makes no sense.
And that is pretty much the case with two of Alejandro Jodorowsky works:
El Topo (1970) Holy Mountain (1973). The stuff here is truly nutty, mostly
to the point of flat out confusing. However, there’s a lot to be said
about this nuttiness because there are shots/acts that are way the hell
out there (I could run off a list like most reviewers would to fill space
and make word counts, but I am not a douche). I’m getting too old and
lazy to try and decipher this type of stuff out and in the end I did not
give a shat about the stories and symbolisms, but I did dig Jodorowsky’s
creativity. Do I regret watching these two? No. Will I ever watch another
film by this guy? I hope not
Since age 18, you were there
The brews, cans of soda, water, the old construction site lunches
And picnics with my daughter
Always my passenger on road trips, too
You acted like a seat at times
And the occasional step stool, until that one time you turned on me
Sending my arse for a Dixie
Ah yes, I certainly returned that favor
When you held that one girl’s vomit in my car’s backseat
You kept it all cooler than Vegas’ coolest casino cooler
But that was yesterday
Now, you’re tired, beat up, stained, and no longer keep things as
Cold as they should
It’s true, I’ve found another
And while you rest in retirement in my basement
Please know you’ll be my first call should an experienced back-up is
Since age 18, you were there
My dear friend
It's Friday. Time to make your own cooler memories.
9.18- Synapse Films
recently released a Blu-Ray/DVD combo pack of 1989’s Red Scorpion. Why?
I do not know. Well, do not know aside from the mighty Dolph Lundgren
kicking Russian ass while wearing 80’s shorty shorts, and the awesome M.
Emmet Walsh (he’s great in everything, notably The Jerk), and Brion
James (he’s the guv’nah!), and gore effects via FX legend Tom Savini,
all wrapped up in some cheesy late 80’s punch ‘em out and shoot ‘em
up action. Also included are a ton of extras, including cool/funny (and
new!) interviews with Lundgren and Savini.
9.1- I have a flash fiction piece over
here. It's online and free, so you have no reason to not have a look
and leave a comment about how handsome you find me.
8.21- Been a while. Vacation, it was, and having a
Some people I kow are making a short movie, The
Five Noble Truths. Help them by spreading the word or maybe even offer
up some cash.
7.26- If'n you like pickles you
must try Grillo's Pickles. Great
taste, great crunch. Aside from the general Boston area, I am not sure of
their distribution, but you done bes' have yerself at least one spear. I
tried the regular variety, leaving the "spicy" for another day.
I suppose the easiest way to purchase is to hit Whole Foods, or if'n yer
around Park St Station (on Boston Comons) stop at the Grillo Pickle
Ok, monkey jacks...have a look at Askew
15 and peek over there at my books.
7.13- Start thinking about yer subs
for Askew Reviews 16!
DVD review concerning a
documentary of one fine movie.
It is Friday...and it was all fun-n-games until that little
f’ing five year old mocked me with his annoying wind propelled hand held
Go break a pinwheel, for me, this weekend.
6.29- There's just something sexy about an elderly woman buying herself a six pack (cans) of crappy beer...Kids
have it made today. When I leave my daughter in the car for hours while I
get drunk in the pub, she has her iPhone, iPad, Kindle, and satellite
radio to keep her busy. When my mom left me in the car for hours while she
got drunk in the go-go bar, all I had were old McDonald’s ketchup
packets salvaged from the glove compartment...I have amazing will power,
except when it comes to those goldfish crackers. The little bah’sturds
get me every time...Anybody who seriously uses the phrase “You are what
you eat” most certainly must’ve eaten at some point in their life a
douchbag...Part of my job is to provide tech support to our customers and
the people who lack common sense and do not follow directions the most are
those whose emails end with .gov and .edu. It’s frightening...It
was raining at a pretty good clip the other day. As I watched the rainfall
from my front porch, I thought to myself how great it is that rain falls
from the sky to the ground and not from the ground up to the sky.
Otherwise, the rain would go up our noses...“Yuck, why bother?” is
what I thought to myself the other night I saw an extraordinarily
unattractive couple arguing in the parking lot of a bar..Sometimes a good nose picking is comparable to an orgasm...
The weekend calls. Live hard.
6.8- Very lazy today. Do you
think the song Gloria (Them, Patti Smith, Doors, Rick Springfield, et all)
would be as popular and cool if the girl’s name was Gertrude?
5.25- Yowza! Looks like I missed some time, there.
When seeing a movie titled "Rabies," one would, or might,
think it's about aniamls or humans contracting the infectious disease that
makes its carrier froth at the mouth and looney (think of Cujo...woof).
Well, the "Rabies" produced in Israel whose dialog is 100%
Hebrew is not that. Instead, watch as a group of people pulled together by
accident follow each other's lead and get rabid. 'Twas so not what I
expected, and I dig that shyt, yo.
If'in you like peppermint patties and want to make some yerslef,
have a look at this
video/recipe.It is insanely easy and the patties are beyond amazing.
Trust me. I have made well over 100 patties over the past two months.
429 Records recently released Hunter S. Thompson’s iconic article
Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved” as a spoken word/musical
composition collaborative. Originally published in Scanlan's Monthly in
June 1970, this piece is considered to have influenced the term “gonzo
journalism.” The dialog is performed by a cast of actors/actresses,
notably Tim Robbins as Thompson, with a very snazzy jazzy feeling
soundtrack. I’ve listened to most of the release and ache to hear it in
5.11- Sorry my Beloveds…no
time for an update today. I’m going out to buy some of those large
neckerchiefs I tie around my neck and stuff down the middle of my shirt so
when I find something ghastly, I can dramatically grab it and cover my
Ever notice how a group of chicks cannot go out drinking together without
some form of drama erupting? There's always one chick that'll drink too
much and needs a babysitter or two or more chicks will get into an
argument/fight or one chick will get into a fight with another chick from
another group of chicks. Regaurdless of what happens, there's always at
the very leaset one unhapy chick at the end of the night.
Earlier today I watched a Bugs
Bunny cartoon called “Bugs
and Thugs” and in it Bugs gets kidnapped by two bank robbers but for
a minute Bugs escapes and calls the police using an old fashioned
telephone in a telephone booth but then the thugs grab Bugs and pulls him
away but Bugs doesn’t let go of the telephone and pulls the cord which
pulls the policeman on the other end through the phone’s speaker and I
DVD review over here.
Enjoy the weekend and don't be afraid to smell bad while doing
4.20- One person's madness is another person's Friday night.
4.13- I often wonder if
vegetarian Parrotheads are allowed to like and sing-a-long with that awful
“Cheesebuger in Paradise” song…I liked America better when Freedom
of Speech didn’t have an asterisk next to it…A moment in the day of a
man: The other morning, like most mornings, I awoke and found my way to
the living room to look out of the window that overlooks my street. As I
gazed, my sightline was interrupted when an oversized pick-up truck with a
lift bucket in its bed and “Tree Service” lettered on its door parked
directly in front of my house. With the truck still running (loud diesel
engine), I watched as the man driving the truck got out of the cab and
slowly removed his jacket as he walked around the back of the vehicle.
When he approached the passenger side door, he paused to fix the jacket as
if not to wrinkle or crease. Holding the jacket delicately by the collar
with his left hand, he used his right hand to open the passenger side
door, but failed when it was obvious the door was locked. The man’s
shoulders and upper body instantly slumped as if he just learned of a
loved one’s tragic death. A partial upper body collapse. Slowly, the
man-balding, glasses, slightly pot bellied, appearing to be near age 50-
walked back around the truck, opened the driver side door and threw his
jacket by the collar across the inside of the cab where it hit the
passenger side window and fell onto the passenger seat. The man then
climbed into the truck and stretched across to unlock the door. Once
again, the man exited the truck, walked around the front of the truck, and
successfully opened the passenger side door. The man pulled out his now
disheveled jacket and arranged it as not to wrinkle or crease. The man
carefully draped the jacket over the passenger side seatback, closed the
door, walked around the truck, and let himself back into the cab. He
adjusted his seatbelt and clicked it into place. After checking his
driver’s side door mirror for traffic, he drove the truck down the
street and out of view…My neighbor has worked in the daycare field for
about thirty years. For the past 20 or so, she’s worked for the public
school system after school daycare. She recently told me that she has
never seen more disrespectful, disobedient, and misbehaving children as
she sees today. Wake up parents…
It is Friday and it is amazing outside.
4.6- I did have tons of stuff to
put up here, but instead find my brain flying with thoughts of how great
it would be if humans could, say once a day for ten-fifteen minutes, do
cartoon stuff without any ramifications. You know, smash someone over the
head with a frying pan and having them shake their head until the shape of
their head is normal, again. Or maybe running off a cliff and standing
mid-air before falling while making a funny “zing” noise. And how
about having a bomb explode in front of yer face and the only damage is
your nose relocating to the back of your head? Human evolution sucks.
3.30- I just picked up Commando: The Autobiography of
Johnny Ramone by Johnny Ramone. Now, I will not review this book for
two reasons. 1) I do not review items I purchase (for the most part). 2) I
love Johnny Ramone and my opinion is biased to love everything he
accomplished. Hell, his skelatal remains could fart and I'd think it was
the greatest thing ever.
And not minutes ago, as I waited for my daughter to get her arse
out of school, I finished Nick Flynn's 2004 Another Bullshit Night in
Suck City. I only recently heard of this book, which was just released
movie form titled Being Flynn, and read it because it's written by a fella
from my neck of the woods. End all be all, I really liked it. I think if
you look into the book and possibly read it, you'll like it. 'Twill be
interesting to see how "they" turned this memoir into a movie
(though, I heard there is no mention that most of the book takes place in
and around Boston, which is purdy lame).
Enjoy the weekend, and I leave you with the below:
One time, a man said to me
“Hey man, remember me?”
3.16- Update this site with some sort of review or go to
3.9- Longtime Askew Reviews contributor, Doulas Waltz, has
penned a book about
director Michael Legge. Have a lookie!
Hardcore Boston Band Cd Review.
You may or may not have noticed the lack of updates and if you
have, yer correct! Sorry boners, no forhead stars for the obvious. Askew
Reviews is still going strong, but I toggle my attention between the zine
and my other writings. At the
moment, I am working to close the door on two books of short stories, and
I've also started what will one day be The Longsberry Letters Vol 2. Once
the two short story books are completed, Askew Reviews 16 will leapfrog to
the top of my brain.
It's the weekend. You need to go live a life, now.
3.2- Today, if my brain was a check, it would be
miswritten, with “void” scrawled across it, and ripped into several
pieces. And this is my update.
Oh...Batman: Year One (animated DVD) is pretty good. It focases on
the first year of Batman, but also spends a lot of time on James Gordon's
origins and rise to commisionerhood.
There, I'm not totally useless.
out this six minute short. I could listen to this guy all day and all
The weekend is here...go talk with someone.
2.10- Brain Scribbles...In Fast Times at Ridgemont
High, Damone says to Rat, “When it comes down to making out, whenever
possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.” Surely a statement that
confuses the bejesus out of those 20 years and younger…Now that I think
of it, I can not remember the last time I did a Pepsi fizzie nose
burp…Tip for the youngins: think long and hard before getting that
tattoo because years from now you may hate it. I so regret getting my
tramp stamp. Although, it does look good when I bend over and it sits
above my whale tail…There is a big difference between being out-spoken
and being a loud mouth…If yer from my neck of the woods, The Fat Cat in
Quincy, MA is a rather enjoyable bar/restaurant. Small, great brick walls,
nice open ceiling, and tasty food at good prices. Also, note the awesome
bright pink neon “Sully’s” sign next door. You just do not see
signage like that these days…Ah yes, and if yer ever roaming around
Boston (Copley Sq area) hungry, stop in at The Salty Pig. Great, and I
mean great food and microbrews. The Tony Rocco pizza is downright
killer…Screw the rest of my Brain Scribbles. I’m hungry…
Let not the weekend be a killer
weekend. Iinstead, you be the slayer of the weekend.
1.30- Alllllllright, any and all who send me an email
between 12AM -1AM EST right now with their mailing address and “don’t be stupid” get a free
Bone Print Sixer. Past “winners” of similar posts can go f themselves…
1.29- “It’s a chin,
it’s a bum, it’s a chin, it’s a bum, it’s a chin, it’s a
bum…” is what my daughter said while squeezing and releasing my cleft
chin cheeks together over and over and over after she said “Dad,
you’re chin is weird.” Little
does she know the number of women who have sipped Dom Perignon from my
cleft chin or of the peace between warring nations I’ve brokered with my
cleft chin or of the ohs and ahs directed towards my cleft chin when
passing by the weaker chinned of the world or of the woman I was mugging
it up with who said of my cleft chin, “Your chin looks and feels as if
someone hit you in the face with a hatchet.”
Scribbles...I wonder if I had a split personality, and one was female, if
I’d be into my male side…It’s hard not to recognize the perfume worn
by the woman who once tried to kill you every single time you smell it on
another woman…When I was in elementary school and junior high, I
carpooled with two other families to another town to attend Parochial
school. One of the other families consisted of two girls, the oldest being
ridiculously sensitive and a tad overweight. One day when in fourth grade,
I playfully called her a “turkey” as she exited my mother’s car. I
then called her younger sister a “turkey with gravy.” By the time I
got home the phone was ringing and I was forced to sheepishly apologize.
Sometime later, I called the turkey girl my “chum,” which is another
word for buddy or pal (I had read the term in a Hardy Boys mystery book).
She looked at me all hurt. Another kid in our carpool (who once re-ate a
hotdog he threw up in his mouth) noticed this and said to her, “He said
chum, not chunk!” Yes, once again I somehow had to apologize for this.
Years later, I recall trying to make out with this girl, but stopped when
her hair itched me as if I was kissing hay…I cannot help but wonder if
long ago there lived a fella’ named Joshua who was known as the ultimate
kidder…Sometimes, my cat looks at me like she wants to make out with
me…Call me weak, but I find it difficult to eat a healthy breakfast when
there’s leftover Chinese in the fridge…I have a lot in common with Ice
Cube. In his song It was a Good Day, he sings, “Today I didn’t even
have to use my ak” and today I wrote AK when mailing a book to a
customer in Alaska… I am undecided when it comes to being a horse’s
ass or a jackass…I find it annoying when someone witnesses or
experiences something of which they approve and say, “That’s what
I’m talking about!” when in fact they never said anything about it in the
first place…With the dumbing down of America, it wouldn’t surprise me
if the saying “You learn
something new every day” is soon extinct… Sometimes I wish I was in a
motorcycle gang, that way I’d be into unattractive women and getting sex
might be easier…It keeps me up at night wondering how much time is
collectively, worldwide, wasted by people who try to put on two shirts at
the same time and choose to struggle with the twisted inside shirt rather
than put the two on separately…We all have that one movie (or more than
one) that when we happen upon while channel surfing, we stop and watch no
matter how many times it has been viewed. Though I will not stop to watch
the entire movie, if I come across the movie Cocktail when it’s near my
favorite seen, I will stop and wait for the scene. I’ve seen this scene,
or sequence of events, hundreds of times. However, not five minutes ago, I
noticed something new about this scene that I’ve seen hundreds of times.
The part I’m writing about is when Tom Cruise’s character and his
cougar wench walk into the art gallery, Tom’s slaps around the artist,
and Tom and the Coug argue outside the gallery. Well, I just noticed when
Tom and the Coug walk into the joint, the movie marquee in the background
reads “Barfly,” the awesome movie written by Charles Bukowski (he’s
also seen in the movie sitting at a bar). However, when the two argue
outside with the same marquee in the background, Casablanca is up there…
The weekend is here and it's bent over exposing its underpants
waisteband just waiting for a wedgie it won't soon forget.
of a book penned by the former git-tar-ist for Screeching Weasel.
The weekend is here, and it just double dog dared you.
1.18- Make believe this website is blacked out until
1.11- Though it happened Sept 4, 2011, I just found out that Askew Reviews contributor Hugh Fox has passed away. I emailed him a few days ago to check in and was told of the news by a family member. I never met Mr. Fox, but we did have some good back and forth emails. He was 79.
1.6- Brain Scribbles...Though
I’ve seen it in movies, on tv, and in pictures, I’ve never personally
seen a refrigerator with an egg holder built into its door... If how I am
in bed is any indication, I certainly would’ve been the quickest draw in
the Wild West…Now that “we’ve” beaten second hand smoke to death,
it’s time we take a hard look at second hand fart…If you’ve never,
take a close look at the inside of your microwave oven…Tips for the
aspiring bank robber: if you’re sporting ink, cover any and all of ‘em
regardless of where they are. Ladies, remove all fingernail polish and cut
the nails. And when entering/exiting the bank, slouch or leap when
entering the bank’s entrance to help throw off the height gage placed
along the door’s inside. Also keep in mind the counter can also give
away your true height… I find it amusing whenever a vegetarian/vegan
talks about what they ate, they always- always-describe it as
“delicious,” like they’re trying to brainwash themselves…As I grow
older, the only negative physical change I’ve noticed is I now wake up
with bed head…I still think “willn’t” should be an acceptable
contraction of “will and “not”…Now that I think of it, Ferris
Bueller is a selfish jerk. And since I am on the topic, Chilly Willy is
too…You will never listen to a more entertaining and informative
interview than one conducted by radio man Ron Bennington
(ronbenningtoninterviews.com)…A few hours before grilling pork chops,
throw them in a large Ziploc bag with a quarter cup of soy sauce, quarter
cup of water, tablespoon of brown sugar, and some minced garlic…If you
own a cat (giant pain in the arse, by the way) and a laser pointer, you
will never again find yourself bored…Judging my Facebook friends’
status updates, women are more likely to lose their cell phones…If the
CPI was based on vitamin prices, people in America would be rioting in
the streets…Robert Rothschild Farm Peppadew Pepper Cocktail Sauce is
absolutely grand; little sweeter than “regular” cocktail sauce, with a
very nice zing…If yer ever feeling sluggish, fergit those lame energy
drinks. Simply listen to Dvorak’s Symphony No. 9, 4th
movement and you’ll be good to go after only eleven minutes…I find
people who ask me how I’m doing then answer for me annoying, “How ya
doing? Alright?” What if I
am doing ok, but just not alright? God…After she told me how she can not
dance to the music I listen to, I explained to my daughter that
rock-n-roll isn’t always about its dance-ability, but always about how
cool you feel inside listening to it…That’s right…I’ve never met a
person carrying a pizza take out box who I didn’t like…
The weekend has officialy turned on its "Open" light.
12.30- CD Review.
The weekend is here. Leave now and go live a truly entertaining and
12.26- A little birdie told
me Root Beer with a shot of Whipped Cream flavored Vodka was tasty and I
decided to give it a go. The little birdie told me Pinnacle was her
favorite, but I couldn’t find a nip of that brand, so instead I bought
Smirnoff. Yuck. Very synthetic tasting with an odd after taste. I highly
do not recommend Smirnoff Whipped Cream Vodka. However, should I find a
Pinnacle nip, I shall imbibe, because that little birdie is that hot.
12.16- DVD review
for you foodieheads, out there.
I loathe basketball, I've never been to Cleveland, OH, and I know
nothing about NBA star Lebron James. However, The Whore of Akron by Scott
Raab (GQ and Esquire) is hilarious while taking a heartbreaking look at an
avid (frustrated) Cleveland sports fan as Lebron leaves for another team.
Reading Raab's "Tweet" in response to a "Tweet" by
Lebron is worth the price of the book alone! Thanks to Mighty Ben, a
Cleveland native, for lending me the book.
The weekend…it won’t ring your
doorbell…you must let it in on your own…open the door and welcome it
and don’t complain if it doesn’t wipe its feet before entering your
just what is this Bone Print Press Sixer? A Nobody's Nothings, The
Longsberry Letters, Track Wreckard 1-14, our two latest zines (Askew
Reviews 15/14)and a bottle opener/wine key...$19.95 postage paid! Gosh, I
feel like a New York City cable televison commercial for a uselss knick
knack store newly opened by an immagrant propieter.
12.9- Askew Reviews 15 and
Last night, I bought the brand spanking new Mighty Mighty Bosstones
CD. However, I have yet to give it an ear, so these two sentences mean
See the 12.8 post.
It's truly amazing how a single sip of a beer you haven't tasted in
years can bring back memories of that very same beer.
My last book (Track Wreckards 1-14) details fourteen nights of
drinking at my favorite local pub. Last night, my town's Administrator got
pinched for OUI. When asked where he was coming from....ayup.
The weekend is here.
We could use a few fine people to review CDs and DVDs. Check out the
reviews (<===links be thatta way) to get an idea of what we cover. If
yer interested, please email.
Note; there is no pay, but you keep whatever you review and you will
recieve comp copies of the zine in which your work appears.
11.18- As read in Askew Reviews 15,
here a review of Marky Ramone's
logistics of buying this stuff isn’t convenient or inexpensive.
Available at only a handful of stores, most people will have to order this
marinara sauce via the Internet, by the case (twelve 24 oz jars). As I
write this, the cost is $88 per case, which is expensive, but the cost
does include shipping and 10% of net proceeds benefit Autism Speaks.
Putting the punk rock celebrity aside, Marky Ramone’s marinara
sauce is pretty damn tasty. At first glance and spoon test, I thought it
may be a bit on the “runny” side. However, the sauce, with its fine
chucks of plum tomatoes, nicely adhered to the various pastas I used to
test the product; pasta with lines and tortellini worked best. After
devouring the bowl of pasta, just enough sauce was left on the bottom to sop up with bread. Marky’s recipe calls for lots of onions, which
sweetly compliment the tomatoes. Olive oil, garlic, basil, oregano, and
black pepper add intense flavors. Though it’s the next to last
ingredient, the black pepper really adds a nice kick to this certainly
bold tasting marinara sauce. - Denis Sheehan
11.4- Here's a review
of a small book consisting of four short stories.
10.26- If you like the tv series
Supernatural (one of my fav), you may dig the anime release based on the
series, Supernatural; The Anime Series. Released earlier this year, the
three DVD set includes twenty-two approx 22 minute shows and is pretty
much in lock step with the live action version. Jared Padalecki voices Sam
Winchester, but Jensen Ackles only voices Dean for the final two episodes
(the ol’ schedule conflict). Introductions by Padalecki and
Ackles precede the episodes. Extras include interviews with the show’s
actors, creators, and Japanese voice actors. I’ve watched and I’ve
And, if you do indulge, be sure to watch each show through the end
credits. Yer welcome.
10.19- If you have some free time and want to check out some purdy
good shorts, check out Sean Dunne's work: American
Juggalo and other Very Ape
Productions (I've watched The Archive and The Bowler and
10.14- Some genre classics are being
re-re-re-re-released by Synapse
Films, this time on Blu-ray, and since these movies have already been
reviewed to death, I’ll skip that part and just provide the details
(deets, to some). All include various extras that fans will dig:
The Exterminator- Blu-ray/DVD combo pack. Unrated director’s cut. First
released in 1980. 201 minutes. Revenge flick at it’s goriest.
Maniac Cop- 85 minutes. 1988 release starring Bruce Campbell,
written/produced by Larry Cohen, directed by William Lustig. Talk about a
Frankenhooker- 85 minutes. Frank Hennenlotter’s insane 1990 release.
10.7- Mighty Ben Hunter offers the below. When yer done, piss off
and enjoy the heckers out of your weekend, you donkey!
Ramsay's Farm & NBC Nightly News Viewers Must Have A Lot Of Goddamn
Problems: Inconsequential Ramblings From Ben Hunter.
I think there ought to be an animated short called Gordon Ramsay's
Farm. In one scene I can picture him holding an egg and glaring at an
embarrassed looking chicken, shouting, "You call this a fucking
egg?" Then he would smash said egg onto the ground and yell,
"Get out!" Or maybe while he's milking a cow, he could squirt
one of its teats directly into his mouth, grimace painfully and wail,
"Curdled!" And then he'd hold his head in his hands and
dejectedly say to the cow, "Just piss off, you." Anyhow, I think
it's worth exploring.
I'm not in advertising, but commercials sometimes fascinate me.
(Other interests of mine include gambling and drinking, so I suppose this
one is relatively low on the harming myself scale). And while I tend to
dislike most ads, I often think way too much about the point the
advertisers are trying to make and if they actually achieve it, and I
usually obsess about how they could have said things better. Once in
awhile I even ponder what a block of commercials implies about how a
particular show feels about the needs of its perceived audience. Like how
the purveyors of televised NFL football seem to think all everybody
watching needs is a new truck and some domestic light beer. (And how about
both Dodge AND Coors beer using Sam Elliot for their voiceovers? Now every
time I hear him shilling for the latest Dodge Ram, in my head I can also
hear him extolling the virtues of Coors. Perhaps every new Ram could come
with a case of Coors sitting on the front seat, waiting for the new owner
to crack one open before roaring out of the dealership parking lot).
So I was watching the NBC Nightly News recently and noticed that if
the show's ad sellers are correct, most viewers are aging physical wrecks.
I decided to do a little analysis over the course of two days, coming up
with a likely target audience for each commercial block. Here's what I
NBC Nightly News, Wednesday, September 7, 2011:
1) Natural Gas Industry. Who the fuck is this supposed to appeal
to? Awfully vague.
2) Bayer Advanced. They claim this aspirin is good for combating
general aches. Blah.
3) Polident. Supposed to prevent bad breath. Good enough reason as
any to get it if you have dentures, I suppose.
4) Dodge Durango. Overly smug spot that touts this truck's pulling
ability. Voiceover (not Sam Elliot, by the way) makes me naturally
disinclined to like Dodge Durango.
Target audience appears to be denture-wearing potential
shareholders of the natural gas industry who experience general aches and
pains on a regular basis and who need to be able to win a pulling contest
against a Ford or Chevy.
1) Pradaxa. Apparently this helps with irregular heartbeat better
than another drug called Warafin. That said, the side effects, which the
majority of this ad is dedicated to, sound horrible. It makes me feel that
if I had an irregular heartbeat, I'd just take my chances with nothing at
2) Zyrtec. Can help diminish allergy symptoms. Boring spot.
3) Centrum Silver. They claim this vitamin will help old people
live more active lives. Liars.
4) Philips Colon Health. Great for constipation, diarrhea, gas and
bloating. Probably embarrassing to buy, but I'm guessing people are happy
once they've done it.
5) Natural Gas again. Still vague. Again, why the fuck would
viewers of NBC Nightly News care about this?
Target audience appears to be older people who are, at least
physically speaking, a complete mess. Oh, and perhaps they're also
interested in the vagaries of natural gas.
1) Dodge Durango once again smugly bragging about its pulling
power. Narrator still sounds like an asshole. I now officially hate Dodge
2) Cialis (for daily use). What depresses me about this is that it
appears to be directed at guys just a little older than me who want to get
it on but can't. The fact that there are lots of frightening potential
side effects makes this whole sorry situation sadder.
3) Zantac (not the afore-mentioned Zyrtec for those who might
confuse the two). Gets rid of heartburn fast. Not an exciting spot, but it
at least conveys its message clearly.
4) Coal (CLEAN coal, to be precise). Apparently, it's the future.
But again, who the hell cares and what could the average viewer of this
program do about it one way or the other?
Target audience appears to be impotent heartburn sufferers who care
about the difference between clean and dirty coal and who want to pull
something in addition to their own pud.
NBC Nightly News, Thursday, September 8, 2011:
1) Ensure. This is marketed as a drink for people who just got out
of the hospital. It supposedly (and somewhat mysteriously) helps you get
back to your normal self. Depressing.
2) Bayer. Yesterday was about general aches and pains. Today it's
playing the might-prevent-a-heart-attack card.
3) AAG. This one bothered me more than any other ad over these two
days- even the most asinine ones. Fred Thompson (former Presidential
hopeful and Law and Order star) is talking up the benefits of reverse
mortgages to senior citizens. Insidious and potentially the most
life-damaging. I now sort of hate Fred Thompson.
4) Touch of Gray. Looks like the perfect mix of dark and gray hair
will allow you to fuck a marginally younger but fairly attractive woman.
Just imagine how unstoppable you'd be if you combined this with Cialis.
Target audience appears to be older gentlemen who have recently
been hospitalized for heart trouble who could use a little extra cash to
impress and then bed their 40-something conquests.
1) Uloric. What a horrible sounding word. This is medicine that is
supposed to treat gout (whatever the hell that is) ever so slightly better
than the leading (unnamed) brand of medicine also intended for this
2) Beano. Take it before eating to prevent gas. Laughable premise,
but the message is effective without trying to be too cute.
3) American Express Card. Lots of benefits you might not realize.
Sounds good, but I bet it's really goddamn expensive.
4) Citrical. This is a calcium supplement which supposedly helps
old ladies from breaking their legs. How noble.
5) Coal again. I still don't get it.
Target audience appears to be wealthy, environmentally conscious
older women who suffer from both gas and gout.
1) Prudential. Looks like they offer retirement services that will
increase a body's retirement income, but it's almost laughably vague.
2) TENA. These are pads for people with bladder control problems
who still want to have an active lifestyle. The amount of depressing
commercials during the evening news really is staggering.
3) Aleve. Is Jon Hamm the narrator for these commercials? Whether
or not he is, it's a slick spot. If I needed all day relief from pain and
only had to take one pill, I'd consider this shit.
4) Pradaxa again. This is the same spot as yesterday. I still don't
fully understand the point of this commercial.
Target audience appears to once again be old people who are falling
Whenever I get back from visiting another country, I like to take a
look around me with fresh eyes and try to imagine how people from the
place I just was would perceive my homeland. It can be a thought-provoking
exercise (although sometimes it can just be boring, so I'll stop doing it
in favor of thinking about something more trivial). So imagine what people
from a foreign land would deduce about us while watching the evening news-
aside from the content of the news itself making them feel like they'll
probably get shot while they're here and that they're saying their
blessings that their own government is not nearly as dysfunctional as
ours, of course. All I can conclude is that they'd think that we're a
nation of infirm oldsters with hazy aspirations of changing our energy
consumption, and this thought makes me kind of sad. And since I'm a fairly
regular viewer of the NBC Nightly News, am I destined to soon start
needing to use these products myself? Maybe I should just stick to
thinking about my next beer-fueled wild exacta bet and not worry about all
this nonsense. But in the meantime, will somebody please pass the Cialis?
And if I could get some Ensure to wash it down with, that would be great.
When I was a boy, an odd fella-a few years older
than me-lived in my neighborhood. His name was Dale. Dale rode around on a
bike that, instead of handlebars, had a steering wheel. One day, Dale rode
up and down my street saying, “My ankle cookie” to anyone he passed.
To this day, I have no idea what he meant.
Years later, Dale was arrested for armed kidnapping and holding a
woman hostage in a trailer.
9.2- Quick zine review: Slice
Harvester #5- This digest sized zine reviews one thing and one thing
only: pizza by the slice sold by various pizza joints located in New York
City, NY. Reviews include a rating, slice price, and what the reviewer,
and sometimes his friends, think of the pizza, the pizza joint, and the
service…although, the key aspect of the review is the slice itself.
Taste, cheese to sauce ratio, firmness of the dough are nicely described.
Helping keep the reviews from being too pizza, the reviewer, Colin,
often flies off on non-slice tangents concerning his thoughts of society,
people, music, past experiences, etc. While I absolutely love this zine, I
was annoyed with Colin’s constant judging of those who are different
than he or those with whom he disagrees. One instance has Colin berating
patrons of a sleazy bikini bar while defending those who work there. Odd.
And since Colin comes across as a bleeding heart Liberal (I could be
wrong), I find this prejudice hypocritical because aren’t Liberals
supposed to be against this type of behavior? Judging is judging, no
matter how you “slice” it. In
any event, while I most likely will never eat pizza from anywhere Slice
Harvester covers, I will continue to read this fine zine because I find it
interesting, entertaining, and amusing as all get out.
8.19- Jim Jeffries:
Alcholocaust is absolutley hilarious.
Now piss off and go fuck yourself one hell of a weekend.
Full discloser: below mentioned Jesse Swenson is my ex’s husband’s son
and I know the guy. That aside, I found his acting amazing because I know
how he really is and can compare him to his character. And he’s good
looking, can sing, and has a hot girlfriend. The prick!
On Wednesday August 3, my daughter and I (along with my ex and her
husband) hit Broadway to see The
Addams Family play. In short, it is such a great time loaded with good
music. Brooke Shields as Morticia is great, as is Roger Rees as Gomez.
Rachel Potter (Wednesday), who I saw backstage and is hoooot, wonderfully
flip flops between gothy gloom and happy sunshine face, while Jesse
Swenson (Lucas) portrays the love struck “normal” kid from Ohio.
Zachery James (Lurch) and Jackie Hoffman (Grandma) offer constant
hilarity. The guy who played Fester is the understudy and was good, but I
am not sure how often he actually suits up. Cool sets and even some funny
ass puppetry simply piles things on an already stellar show. The
humor plays well for adults and young’ins, but there are a few jokes
that shoot for the grownups while flying over the kids’ heads. The young
kid who plays Pugsley, well, there’s something not right about that boy.
Oh, the woman who plays the Native American ghost ancestor had me drooling
and I want her to come to me.
I highly recommend…
7.27- I am off for a wee bit-o-travel...I'll leave you with this Boston
band CD review.
with a Shotgun is great fun. Great fun, indeed!
I recently watched a few documentaries:
I Like to Kill Flies- 2004. In depth look at Shospin’s, a ratty
little restaurant that lived in Greenwhich Village for about 30 years.
This doc looks at the Shospin family, the joint, and their eventual move
to a new location.
I Need That Record- 2008. A look at the spiraling downfall of
independent records store. Interesting with many good interviews. Years
ago, I use to frequent about ten different indie record stores. All but
one is gone, and boy do I miss them.
Man on Wire- 2008. A look at Philippe Petit’s 1974 highwire walk
between the World Trade Center towers. Truly amazing that he pulled it
off, but this documentary is pretty dull considering the viewer knows the
The American Hobo- 2003. Narrated by Ernest Borgnine, this doc gives a history of American Hobos leading up
to current day (well, current to 2003) Hobos. I really liked the history
info and old photos, but the nonsense of present day hobos is kind of
stupid. The Hobos in the 20s, 30s, 40s had to be Hobos, these 2003 Hobos
did it because they want to…big difference.
It is Friday and you should not be looking at anything on the
Internet, unless it's through the bottom of freshly emptied pint glass.
7.5- If any of yous happens into the new Newbury Comics in the
South Shore Plaza, please take a gander for the “free crap” area. If
you see one, let me know. I
was there a few days after the grand opening, talked with the manager, and
they hadn’t designated an area for free zines, etc. I do thank you.
6.23- Last night I was one restless mother f'er and decided to go
on a late night walk, even though it was pouring rain. While walking, I
thought about this awesomly funny book Greg
Gutfeld's Lesson from the Land of Pork Scratchings.I read/reviewed it
some time ago, but the book just sticks in my brain. I know Greg has since
released another book...I think I shall...
Here's a DVD review.
6.17- Update for a pimp: Buy Askew
Reviews 15 here...or buy the Bone
Print Sixer, which includes my books and Askew 15, and more.
6.14- Holy crap! The Wild
Man of the Navidad is a great retro-throwback/homage film to those
70's Bigfoot and Legend of Boggy Creek movies...and it is amazing! So damn
authentic (including the opening of a pull tab beer can!) and it'll have
you wondering how these filmmakers pulled it off. Not a missed trick!
5.27- Incase there's any doubt...Askew
Reviews 15 is available.
5.23- Askew Reviews 15.
5.9- DVD Box
5.4- Ok...Askew Reviews 15 will be at the printers next
4.11- Here's a quick
review of my latest book.
Looking for content to fill Askew Reviews
15: short stories, flash (250 words or less), and small press book
reviews! Spread the word to yer pals. Here's our submission
page. Email me- email@example.com
Weekend. Now. Piss off.
4.7- I bet if Warren Zevon returned as a zombie, he'd alter his
song "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead" to "I Stink 'Cuz I'm
3.23- Fans of the band Sewer Trout will be interested in a
little zine put out by two chaps out of Washington DC. The zine, called
Sewer Trout, is total 17 pages consisting of stories, interviews,
pictures, etc. Personally, I've never heard of the band, but after reading this
zine, I am curious to hear them. Interested parties can email firstname.lastname@example.org
review that'll make everyday seem like St. Patrick's Day.
3.14- Hey South Shore (MA) movie goers; if you can, never you
mind those megaplex cinemas. Try your best to see flicks at the
independently run theaters in S.
Weymouth and Scituate. Patriot Cinemas did not renew the leases and a
local mom and pop picked them up. Sure, these two cinemas are not as fancy
pants as those evil megplexes, but support them...and along with the movie
ticket, buy some drink and eats.
Even after all these years, I still easily believe Andrew
McCarthy's character in St. Elmo's Fire is by far the most annoying movie
character ever in the history of cinema (Jar Jar Binks and Philip Seymour
Hoffman's character in Twister are slightly behind) who is also by far the
most deserving of a slap. Not a punch. A slap. A punch signifies anger. A
slap, disgust. And that character disgusts me. Still. A lot.
Askew Reviews contributor Tim Relf has a piece over
here. Give it a read!
Ok, I've been a lazy sod concerning Askew
Reviews 15, but it's coming and I think it's coming in a new
Though I am not going to review it because I purchased it, The
Riverdales latest CD, Tarantula, is pretty damn amazing.
Just listened to the sugary-yet violent- '63 pop song "By
Boyfriend's Back" by The Angels and I can't help but wonder if the
female is actually a cheating, lying whore willing to start a fight
between men over cheap sex and her reputation. Really, if you think of it,
the entire song is sung to the "bad" guy. Why isn't she signing
to her boyfriend? Suspicious, indeed.
Bone Print Press stuff:
2.13- I normally do not pump the mainstream here, but will do
so now. When it comes to John Mellencamp, I do not know much of his music,
other than the radio hits I may've stumbled upon; Jack and Diane, Rain on
the Scarecrow are two that come to mind. To write that I am not a fan of
the guy would be unfair because I do not know enough of his work on which
to base judgment. However, after I read an article about how he recorded
his last album, No Better Than This, my curiosity piqued and I checked the
CD out of my local library. I listened to it once, returned it to the
library, and bought my own copy. It really is a cool disc.
For all you Lenny Lashley (Darkbuster, Lenny and the Piss Poor
Boys) fans, I hear there are not many of these
left, so order one...quickly.
1.21- If yer a Facebook pal, then this is a repeat, but no one
12.30- We are accepting submissions for Askew Reviews 15. Please see our submission
Disc review and a Compact
Happy New Year to you.
12.17- 'Tis the season to be doing a lot of things, one of
which should not be frittering your time away on the Internet. Go get a
drink and mug it up with someone wearing a Santa hat.
12.3- My newest book, Track Wreckard 1-14, is available. Please
hit Bone Print Press for info.
We are accepting submissions for Askew Reviews 15. Please see our submission
South Shore punks....Kermit's Finger...tonight...The Beachcomber in
10.26- Holy crap, time flies! Submit your stuff (see 9.3)!
9.22- Along with accepting submissions for Askew Reviews 15
(see 9.3), my newest book, Track Wreckard 1-14, is with the printer and
will be available very soon.
9.3- Now reading for Askew Reviews 15. Please see our submission
page for info.
A few months ago (after research…June 7…actual date), I
attended a punk show and plum done fergitted to write the review…so here
it is, at least what I recall of that amazingly fun day (the small
notebook that housed my thoughts/memories of the show was lost at the
horse track a few weeks later…blame it on K-Mac).
‘Twas a rainy and mighty humid Saturday afternoon when a
few pals and I parked the car in front of our friends’ house in
. We were meeting the gang here, and then walking around the corner to the
venerable Midway Café for the show.
After getting a quick tour of
the condo, our hosts Eric and Kris offered us food and a “Dirty
Ashtray.” Not sexual, the Dirty Ashtray is a can of Mexican beer with
hot sauce and pepper doused on the top. When the can is opened the
sprinkles flow into the can, resulting in a spicy dirty ashtray affect
that lasts for a few sips and ultimately leaving you with the rest of a
nasty can of cheap Mexican cerveza.
Some time later, we trekked
to the show and waited in line to pay the cover and get our booze wrist
bands. As my friends entered before me, the door chick asked each if they
were in one of the bands. However, when I approached her, she failed to
ask if I was indeed a band member; read DORK. Personally, I always thought
I’d be a good fit for a rock-a-billy band.
The place was like an oven
and about an hour later, the first band kicked off things. The
Allston Pants played a good punk (Eric thought they were skate punk)
set loaded with humorous lyrics and damn fine frontmanship by, well, the
frontman. He bantered with the crowd like a pro, which included sitting me
on my ass with the crowd laughing (and I was laughing, as well) and
pointing at me...I deserved it as I started it with the dude. As they
played, I noticed the mean looking bass player and his long wallet chain.
This dude’s looks frightened me, until I noticed on his chain a CVS
discount card; a normal guy or a tough looking guy who appreciates
Hey! I just remembered
something. About five years ago, I had a nice little correspondence thing
going on with Wendy
James (Transvision Vamp, solo artist-entire cd written by Elvis
Costello-and currently with a band whose name escapes me), and we agreed
that she would fall in love with me, I’d break her heart, and she’d
write/sing a song about it. How cool would that be? But, it still hasn’t
happened! What the hell, man?
Up next was the amazing punk
band, The Numbskulls.
Hailing from the Worchester, MA area, these guys-and gal- have been
kicking tail for ten years (I know this because I am attending their 10
year anniversary show in a few weeks). The ‘Skulls are tight and play
catchy punk that’ll make you love them. Also, bassist Lysie oozes sex
with her stage presence, long hair, and..um, nevermind. Now that I think
of it, Alex, the singer/guitarist, is also damn good looking. In fact, if
I was gay, I would so hit on him. But I’m not gay so I won’t…unless
I’m drunk and he says something.
Up next is one of my favorite
Finger. This show was their record release party and they smashed
things. If you have not purchased their latest, Grudge (ehem… , you are doing yourself a major punk
disservice. I’m not going to go into this set as you should check out
the link to my
review of their latest album.
Pandemics. These dudes were mighty good, but I know nothing of them
other than they use to be a well adored and respected Boston band with
another name; that I now fergit. The only reason I know this is because
Mighty Ben talked with the lead singer after the set and asked if they use
to band X and that he had one of their best songs on his iPod.
The show ended. We were all
sweaty. And we all went back to the condo for amazing food and
8.27- Now reading for Askew Reviews 15. Please see our submission
page for info.
I done really thought I posted this
DVD review a long time ago, but I didn't
The weekend is here and it has called you a pussy...time to show it
who's the boss, you pussy.
8.6- Anybody out there drink or try Spiced
Jack No94 Spiced Rum? If so, please share your thoughts with me...
8.3- Live near a happenin’ record store, bar, strip joint, or
dirty crack den (if yer lucky, all four) and want to help distro Askew Reviews
14? Let me know
and I’ll send you a stack-o-fifty to drop in any of those fine
establishments. Of course, if you say yes you must do so...after all, the
vibes you send out, baby, are the vibes that come back…
7.24- Just because I have to miss the show of the year, doesn't
mean you have to.If you like punk rock, you must attend.
Via Larry of Penis Fly Trap: The first bi-annual PENIS FLY TRAP
show in 2010 will be a re-union with founding madman LARS PAUL LINDEN. To
honor such a once-in-a-decade event we are going to make sure we play on a
Monday in a place where it's impossible to park and you have to lug your
equipment up a steep flight of stairs. That means Charlies Kitchen on
Monday, July 26th. Lars is currently en-route by imaginary motorcade from
a secret southern state and hopes to arrive in time for some last-minute
rehearsals and alcohol tolerance exercises. But hey, it's just like
rocking a bike and we will be a 4-Piece For A Night, with extra, extra
vocals and extra extra bass. It may be insane, actually, but it will be
fun in a gigantic way and you'll get to see us from behind in the mirrors
while watching yourself watching us-my favorite thing about Charlies
Kitchen, those mirrors. Since the place is kind of small, the mirrors give
the room a sense of space (bands may be closer than they appear) and
although the sound waves will, for the most part, remain invisible,
maybe-just maybe-one or two will reveal themselves to the naked,
rock-seeking eye. And if that's not fun enough KERMIT'S FINGER is playing,
and THE CLASSIC RUINS, and just added to the bill, if not the flyer, WALK
THE PLANK from Washington, DC.
Charlie's Kitchen is located at 10 Eliot Street in Harvard Square,
Cambridge (Upstairs). I think cover is only 5 U.S. Dollars.
*Natural Disaster Alert: The last time Lars traveled a thousand
miles to play a reunion show the whole city was canceled by 13 inches of
surprise snow (you remember that fateful, Dec. 13th 2007 commute?) Well,
since we're smart, we are taking an educated gamble that there won't be a
gig-canceling snowstorm this July 26. However, be prepared for
earthquakes, market crashes, and coordinated terrorism. But let's not use
life-threatening, apocalypse scenarios as an excuse not to rock.
7.23- Been thinking about Askew Reviews 15 and I could use a few
reviewers; CD, DVD, Books. If yer interested contact me: email@example.com
Don't forget about Askew Reviews 14
or the Bone Print Special.
It's the weekend, Mother FlimFlam.
7.16- A few Friday nights ago, I was sitting on the front porch of my
local pub enjoying a few too many pints. At around 11 PM, a police officer
I kind of know-but not enough to know his name-approached me and whispered
to me that Bobby Nyman had died earlier that night. I sat there stunned.
Bobby Nyman was my town’s representative in the Massachusetts House of
Representatives. Though I had written to Rep. Nyman a few times and even
talked with him (in this very pub) concerning political issues more than
once, I did not know the man personally. I disagreed with him and most of
his votes, but I always admired his yeas or nays when it came to votes
that showed his true character. I’m not going to detail these votes, but
there are a few a year that test one’s true character; and he passed
with flying colors. Rep. Nyman also did a lot of good stuff that flew
under the radar; stuff that was not recorded nor reported by the media. I
disagreed with this man on a political level, but admired him as a human
being. Hearing of his death bothered me not only for this reason, but also
because the man was only seven years older than me. At this time, I only
knew of his death and not the cause. I later learned the details-even some
not released to the public-but none of this will be discussed here.
Admittedly, I was both bothered and saddened with the news. I
left the pub and walked home.
A few hours later, my ex-girlfriend Meaghan, with whom I am
still very close, dropped by my house. A few days before, one of her best
friend’s one month old baby died. Yes, one month old baby. The infant
just died while taking a nap. For nearly 72 hours, Meaghan had been with
her friend offering support and doing whatever else she could. Meaghan
showed up exhausted, but talked about the situation for almost two hours.
I could only listen and it hurt to hear her pain. She talked and cried
until she passed out-more like collapsed- at about 3 AM due to emotional
and mental exhaustion.
As Meaghan slept, I continued to imbibe on alcohol, watch
television, and even write some junk. However, my mind was not on whatever
task was at hand because I could not escape my thoughts and memories of
death. I recalled my first shock of death when Mr. Proctor, a teacher from
high school, suddenly died. That was my first “death out of nowhere”
experience. I also recalled a few years later when a classmate of mine was
killed in a car accident. Memories, from when I was about five, of
listening to my father take a phone call concerning his father’s death
resurfaced. I remembered when one of my best friends called me to tell me
about the suicide death of mutual friend’s brother. Two uncles dying,
one sudden and one not, arose from the ashes of my mind. Visions of
December 26, 1996 and my brother telling me of our Grandfather’s dying
became real again. My Grandfather’s death was the first death that sent
me into uncontrollable crying. December 27, 2006 returned as I recalled
holding my Grandmother’s hand as she slowly died nearly ten years later
to the day of her husband passing. The shock of a past co-worker’s
sudden death (he was only a few years older than I) hit me, as did the
news of another co-workers suicide attempt. Teary eyed memories of the
only time I shed a tear over the death of a musician reminded me of
driving down route 128 years ago and hearing over the radio the death of
my guitar hero and inspiration, Johnny Ramone. And of course, memories of
my father’s death became once again all too real.
I was consumed with death and making this worse is the fact
that I am not exactly the type of person who is in touch, or connected,
with his emotions. So all this was kind of blowing me away in a few ways.
At some point, I fell asleep in my daughter’s bed and awoke
tired with a minor hangover. I woke up Meaghan (she was returning to her
friend’s), hurriedly shaved, showered, and left to pick up my daughter.
We had plans, along with the rest of my family, to attend my niece’s
dance recital in
I picked up my daughter and after driving away I tried to
start a conversation with her. Now, my daughter and I get along in the
best of ways, but right now she was more interested in a book than talking
with me. Since there is no way a parent can ever demand their nine year
old child to “put down that book!” I focused on driving, the radio,
and thoughts of death.
Thirty minutes later, we arrived at the dance recital and
after pleasantries with the family, took our seats. Glancing over the
program, I sighed as I realized the recital would be approx two hours
I love my niece, all of my nieces and nephews...and my
daughter, but these things can be torture sometimes.
We watched a few numbers and they were good. Finally, the
first piece including my seven year old niece started and it was awesome
to see her up there dancing, and then it ended.
I looked over at my daughter and she was still reading that
book, so at least it wasn’t just me.
A few numbers later and I was ready to die.
I read the program and saw the next dance was being performed
by 4-5 year olds to the theme from The Monkees (60s band/tv show that ran
1966-1968). One by one the shadows of little girls walked across the dimly
back lit stage guided by adults until into position. Moments later, the
stage brightened with lights and standing before the crowd were about
twelve little girls dressed like little monkeys: ears, monkey feet, and
Over the PA system
played the original Monkees theme while the girls performed little kicks
and arm movements, “Here we come,
walkin' down the street. We get the funniest looks from ev'ry one we
then girls joined the chorus with screaming singing voices, “Hey,
hey, we're the Monkees. And people say we monkey around. But we're too
busy singing , to put anybody down.”
the rest of the song, the girls sang along with the chorus and it was
simply the most amazing and cutest thing you ever watched and heard.
My mood turned 180
degrees and how could it not? I had just seen everything that is wonderful
The rest of the recital
flew by and in the lobby I greeted my niece by grabbing her under her
arms, tossing her into the air, catching her, and finally kissing her on
the forehead while telling her how proud I was of her.
I glanced over to my
daughter and there she was sitting on the ground reading that darn book.
About thirty minutes
later, we all arrived at my sister’s house for an after recital party:
my sister and her dancing daughter and son. My brother, his wife, and
their three kids, my mom and stepdad, my two newly discovered sisters
(another story all together), and my daughter and I.
However, during that thirty
minute drive, something went nutty somewhere along the line. At the house,
my brother got into an argument with my sister (they’re twins). A bit
later, my mother argued with my sister, who was more on the defensive
rather than offensive. Then, my brother and mother starting chirping back
and forth over something.
It was basically your
stereotypical Irish family reunion moment. Everyone was back and forth
with each other, besides me.
After a while, I grew
tired of the tension and asked my daughter if she wanted to take a walk to
the beach-my sister lives three minutes from the ocean. Together, we
walked to the beach and enjoyed the rolling waves, sea shells, and the
awful sounds of the awful cover band playing the seaside bar.
So, I suppose the morel
of this story is when you are feeling down and being thrashed about with
negative thoughts…hey hey, just be a Monkee.
Enjoy the weekend, now.
6.18- The fact that one of my best friends wrote this
review of my book will not stop me from linking to it...Shut up!
6.11- Tomorrow is the record release show (see 6.7 post)
for this record.
One of the many TV shows I record using my beloved DVR is
American Dad. I enjoy the show, as does my daughter. Last Wednesday, I
walked in on Reilly watching American Dad during a scene where Steve (the
cartoon son) pulls himself from the muddy ground, screams, and proceeds to
pull his friends from the same hole-all while screaming. Reilly asked me
about that scene, but I honestly knew nothing about it.
A few days ago, I recorded the movie Raising
(1987, starring Nicolas Cage and Holly Hunter) and watched it last night.
By gosh, by golly, and creepers crow wouldn’t you know, 22 minutes into
the movie, John Goodman pulls himself from the muddy ground, screams, then
pulls his brother from the same hole-all while screaming!
Not only is that weird…that’s weird with a beard.
It's the weekend.
6.7- Now is the time to check out the Bone
Print Special! For $15 (includes postage!), you'll get A Nobody's
Nothings, The Longsberry Letters, Askew Reviews 14, and a bottle
opener/wine key. Even if yer a cheap prick, this'll get your attention.
Finger will be playing a show/release party for their newest album,
Grudge, on Satterday June 12 at The Midway Cafe in Jamaica Plain. 4-8, all
ages. Also on the bill are The Numbskulls, Red Invasion, and The Allston
Pants. I'll have a review of the album posted on Friday.
Here's a DVD review.
5.18- After much delay (not my fault, surprisingly), my
newest book is now available. Check out The
4.30- Holy crap! I had to check the calendar to see the
date and...is it really April 30? Someone snip time's wings, please!
If you're around the South Shore tomorrow night and longing for
some good local live music, head on over to Players on VFW Dr in Rockland,
MA. SouthBound and Twang 'Em High will be slinging some mean Southern Rock
dueling sets. Now, I am not a fan of Southern Rock nor have I ever heard
SouthBound, but Twang 'Em High is my favorite local band and seeing them
is always a great time. Twang plays their southern rock, covers and
originals, as if produced by Quentin Tarantino ala From Dusk to Dawn.
Music starts at 9 and, oh, there is no cover charge.
While walking to the post office this afternoon, I thought about how,
in reality, monsters are generally made up in human form: various levels
of criminals, bad people, and all politicians. Since monsters are only
human, while they may disgust or shock, they’re really no big deal.
However, how do you think we would react if a real monster attacked some
city? How would you react if you were startled awake by loud noises and
odd vibrations and looked outside your window to see Godzilla stomping in
your direction? Really, it’s not like you could shut off the tv or lock
the doors to make the monster go away.
Various Updates: I have approved the proof for The Longsberry
Letters and they are being printed, I hope, as I type this. I have started
to layout Track Wreckard 1-12 and still finishing up Dives. I hope to have
TW and Dives out this summer. Concerning Askew Reviews 15, I am thinking
about a deadline, but haven't completed that thought, yet.
The weekend is here and it mocks you. Teach the weekend a lesson so
it never dare mock you again.
4.13- Book Update: If all had gone as planned, The
Longsberry Letters would be available at this very moment. However, the
printer has fallen two weeks behind. The printer is supposed to mail me
the proof today which I’ll approve or not. After that, it “should”
take 7-10 business days. We’ll see.
The printer I am using for this book is new (used them because they
are local) to me and I had hoped to use for my next two books, but so far
I am not all that pleased with them. However, I’ll wait until I see the
end product to make my decision.
4.9- The other day, for some reason, I was reminded of a
song written by Barry Gibb (Bee Gees) and performed by his younger brother
Andy: (Love is) Thicker than Water. Of course, the awful song’s lyrics
repeated over in my brain until they finally gushed from my
mouth…”Love is higher than a mountain…love is thicker than
As I thought about the
lyrics, I began to think just how dumb the above line is. Ok, the higher
than a mountain works, but thicker than water? Water isn’t thick, at
all. During this amazing thinking session of mine, I thought Gibb should
have replaced “water” with something like “corn syrup” or
“molasses.” However, Barry Gibb had 800 hits during the late 70s, who
While thinking of how to
rewrite the song with molasses, I was reminded of the great molasses flood
of 1919. In January of that year, a huge tank of molasses burst/collapsed
’s North End sending over 2 million gallons of gooiness tidal waving
into every nook and cranny of the area. The disaster killed 21 people and
caused all sorts of damage. I’ve been told tour guides refer to this
event as “The Boston Molassacre.”
While thinking of the
molasses tank collapse, I was reminded of a story about my Uncle (died
about ten years ago) and how, when a teen in the late 50s early 60s, he
had saved his drunken friend from drowning in a huge pickle vat. Though
the story is not 100% clear in my head, I think my uncle and his buds were
out drinking and decided to imbibe on a late night snack of pickles. So,
the motley crew broke into the pickle factory (which was located somewhere
) and crunched away. However, one drunken lad went head over heels into
the vat and partook in the drowning process. My uncle somehow grabbed the
guy by his hair and yanked the human pickle from its brine.
While thinking about my Uncle, I was reminded of the time he taught
me the economic law of supply and demand using a package of lamb kidneys
he was about to devour. I was ten and both enthralled and grossed out by
the slimy little bean shaped kidneys.
Funny how memories can link together, sometimes.
Here's a DVD
3.24- About a month or so ago but probably longer, I
received in the mail a package of zines hailing from Brandon, Manitoba
located in our dearly beloved neighboring country, Canada. Included in the
package were issues 7, 8, 9, and 10 of the monthly rag, Ritshag. Ranging
in page count, Ritshag is a half-size zine loaded with columns, band
interviews, various reviews (music, movie, zine, etc), art, and cartoons.
In other words, it's packed with an assortment of entertainment. Overall,
I enjoyed the writings though a few pieces did come across as a wee bit
preachy for my taste. From my understanding, current issues are free
and can be purchased via mail. Issues are also available for free in PDF
format off their website (which
I employed for issues 11 and 12). Good stuff, check them out!
3.19- Here in the Northeast,
to be exact, the winter has been a pretty good one (in a negative way) and
last weekend sucked because from Friday through Monday we were pummeled
with 10 inches of nonstop rain. Today is a simply beautiful day. Even the
grouchiest of grouches are looking up to the sky and saying, “Got-dang
today is simply a beautiful day.” It is warm and it is sunny. Because of
this, I wish not to waste any more time remaining indoors to properly
update the site. So instead of telling you to piss off, I’m telling
myself to piss off.
3.12- DVD review...and
now the weekend!
2.26- I am working on the reprint of The Longsberry
Letters. It should be available, soon.
My daughter turns 9 this weekend. For those who have followed Askew
since issue 1, I am sure this news makes you feel aged.
Go enjoy something.
2.19- I usually do not post reviews here until after
they appear in the print version of Askew Reviews. However, this zine
simply fits all too well with current events.
Go away. It is Friday.
2.12- Even if you are not into poetry (like me), you'll
like Ed Galing.
It is time to ditch all else and grab a pint.
2.8- For those interested, Track Weckard 10 is found on boneprint.com
1.20- Ladies and Gentlemen, The
Wages of Sin.
1.15- Though I've been listening to and loving the CD
for a while now, I don't think I've ever mentioned what a great listen it
is: Lenny and the
Piss Poor Boys.
I recently purchased the latest from The
Mighty Mighty Bosstones and really dig it. I haven't really enjoyed their
last few releases, but Pin Points and Gin Joints is damn fine. My
favorite tune off the CD, at the moment, is "Too Many Stars."
Last week, Gutty over at GrungeCake Magazine called me and asked me
a few questions concerning Askew Reviews and my
book. It's an audio
What's this? Oh, a DVD
Even though I do, Fridays never get old.
12.21- The Rakish Cad, Askew's resident advice
Reviews 14 is almost gone. Better git'cherself one, now. Now!
12.4- And here,
ladies and gentlemen, is one review that covers two books.
As you know, the weekend is here and I've me two hard boiled eggs
pickling in a jar full of pepperoncini vinegar that'll be ready for my
Saturday night trip to the local fav to see a great band. Ayup, it's going
to be one of those weekends: a pickled eggs weekend. I hope your weekend
is just as good.
Piss off, will ya, already!
11.13- Dissecting an Insult
Fairly recently, a woman referred to
me as a “dickhole.” Due to several factors, this little event caught
me a bit off guard and surprised me in several ways, the first being the
work itself: dickhole. Now, I honestly can not recall ever hearing or
reading this word. I’ve heard peehole, but that was spoken by my doctor
when he was giving me some routine STD tests as part of my annual check
up/physical. Saying “dickhole” takes a little bit of thought as it’s
so easy to stop at the word “dick” or to say the ever popular and far
more universal “asshole.” In other words, the term “dickhole”
doesn’t come easy and the woman refused to take the easy out with a
Secondly, I am not sure which
is worse, being called a dick or a dickhole. When I am verbally attacked,
I always try to take the positive out of the assault. If she had called me
a dick, I would have turned it into a good thing. So, I’m a dick. I just
happen to have a dick and I like my dick. My dick and I have been through
some very happy times together (and a few I’d rather not discuss). My
dick is something. It is real. So, if I am a dick then I must be someone.
I must be real. Being called a dick certainly means that I am a somebody!
she called me a dickhole. What is a dickhole? A dickhole is truly nothing.
It’s a hole and even though it exists, it has no substance.
dick is something. A dick is there and you can grab it.
dickhole is part of a dick and an important part of the dick, but in the
end it’s just empty space…most of the time.
being called a dickhole worse than being called a dick? If you team the
extra effort of using the word dickhole with the fact that dickhole is the
name for empty space, I’d have to say yes.
11.8- Askew Reviews now has a Facebook
Fan Page. Now you have someplace to tell us how much you loathe
11.7- Track Wreckard
10.30-Psychologists often say a parent’s childhood
influences can affect their adult life and/or how they parent their own
children, good or bad, years later. Examples: a child of an alcoholic
becoming an alcoholic or an abused child abusing his/her own children when
the parent of a young girl, I think I may have inflicted my daughter with
something that tormented me as a child.
name is Denis. Most of the time, the name Denis is spelled Dennis. Growing
up, I was never able to buy a name license plate for my bike. I was never
able to buy plastic mugs, key chains, pencils, etc. sporting my name. You
know those swivel stands, usually found in souvenir shops, loaded with
pre-personalized items that often bring happiness to children? Well, those
damn things only brought me disappointment and a grumpy face. Though I
always searched for the elusive “Denis” item, I never found one.
remember as a child my mother buying a “Dennis” bicycle license plate
and altering the NN to look like N. Try as she did, the resulting N looked
retarded and I refused to put it on my bike.
may seem ridiculous to you, Bob, Tom, Mary, and Susan, but to me it was an
annoyance that continues to haunt me to this day-yes, I still look.
and gentlemen, I have made the above true for my daughter, Reilly. The
influence has become reality.
Reilly was born, my then wife and I settled on two names for our child and
we agreed to pick the winning name after the birth. My name for the kid
was Reilly and my wife’s choice was a “normal” name.
the final name was a joint decision, you really can not blame Reilly’s
mother because her name is a “normal” name and I am sure she was
unaware of my childhood trauma. Why did I choose a name guaranteeing
Reilly a lack of pre-personalized novelty items?
Along with their annual Fright Fest airing this Halloween weekend,
AMC TV is hosting streaming versions of several cool, old school B horror
movies; including the awesome Werewolves
The weekend is here and it wishes to be harshly treated.
10.13- Askew Reviews 14
is available and it looks mighty fine. Buy a copy and it'll help you look
better, smarter, and even sexier. Albeit with inky fingertips.
10.9- Askew Reviews 14 will be available next week. I'll
post more later.
9.25- Saturday, September 26th at O'Brien's (3 Harvard
Ave in Allston) featuring: PADDED HELL(9:30), KERMIT'S FINGER (10:15-ish),
THE EGOS (11:15 ish) and PENIS FLY TRAP (midnight fifteen-ish).
Now piss erff.
9.18- Though I shant review it, Surveillance (stars Bill
Pullman, directed by Jennifer Lynch) is a good movie.
I did review The Medveds' latest
It is Friday.
9.14- Track Wreckard
Ad deadline for Askew Reviews 14 is Sept 30, 2009.
Send your black and white ad to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Full (8x11) - $40
Prices double if you’re a major studio/label
Please make checks/money orders payable to Denis Sheehan.
Paypal to: email@example.com
Print run is 5000.
9.10- While I sod off, go watch some Kermit's
1, Part 2.
And....check out Bad
Lieutenants and Drago
at The Midway Cafe Sept 12.
9.2- Building Askew Reviews 14. Go away.
8.14- Here's a CD
review of a band (and quick Q & A with its singer) that has made
me realize should I ever start a band, it will be a rockabilly band.
Don't fergit: Deadline
for Askew Reviews 14 is Aug 31, 2009!
It is Friday. When yer done with work, deep six your
computer, your cell, and all other little battery powered invasions of
privacy...the only thing you should be looking at is the bottom of a
glass, bottle, or can...and my book,
of course. I'm right, and you know it.
8.12- Fans of Flogging Molly are most likely well aware
of the Nathen Maxwell (bass) songs on the CDs; Queen
Anne's Revenge being one (and perhaps my all time fav). In the great
news category, Nathen has formed a side project, Nathen
Maxwell & The Original Bunny Gang, and will release a CD come
August 18. I am joyed. They are also touring, but not coming close to
Boston. I am unjoyed.
8.10- True or not, this
is funny and brings back memories!
for Askew Reviews 14 is Aug 31, 2009!
Review, and for creepers crow, read the 7.27 entry!
I'll be setting a new deadline for Askew Reviews 14 next
It is time. It is Friday.
7.27- Hey fellow Massachusetts booze bellies, be sure to
stock up before the new 6.25% tax on al-key-hall takes effect on Satterday,
Aug 1. Now that's a public service announcement. Bottoms up!
7.11- Track Wreckard Vol. VII on boneprint.com
7.10- I know I’ve been slacking with this site and
that’s because I’ve been slacking with this site. No excuses. However,
wheels are turning in the background concerning several things so I
haven’t been all that much of a lazy sod. Really.
I often wonder if someone who has said to themselves “Feet
don’t fail me now” before fleeing an uncomfortable scene has felt the
sting of disappointment by having their feet fail them at that particular
moment in time, and blamed their feet.
It is Friday. Now go away.
7.1- More me news: Denis Sheehan, author of A Nobody's
Nothings and Askew Reviews publisher, is interviewed over at The
6.19- I’ve me a short story in the latest issue of Chiron
Review. It’s a print only journal. Visit their site for info.
5.26- Track Wreckard Vol. VI on boneprint.com
is drinking in a darkened, maybe windowless, pub emerging several hours
later to the welcoming sun and feeling its warmth on your now fuzzy head.
It is Friday.
Pity Whores are a pop punk band out of
. Dave Blais, who has reviewed a few CDs for Askew Reviews, plays in The
Pity Whores. What’s the point, you ask? Well, The Pity Whores are
playing The Jerry Springer Show on May 20 so be sure to tune in for some
white knucklin' fun. Yes, The Jerry Springer Show. Here's a lil'
piece about it in The Boston Globe (one of the world's worst
newspapers). I can think of no great honor, honestly. Playing the Springer
Show I mean, not being mentioned in The Boston Globe....I really liked The
Wrestler...It just seems right and ok when an ugly person cheats on an
ugly person with another ugly person...One of my favorite bands, Even
in Blackouts, has called it quits, but also released a new CD. I've
ordered mine and eagerly await its arrival...There's nothing more tragic
than a listless kitchen floor...Imagine if humans never stopped growing
and the only we we died was when we reached the earth's atmosphere and
burned our heads off...I've decided to spend more time on coming up with a
new letter or two for the English alphabet...Sometimes it's easy to know
when to personally pull the plug on a television show, other times it's
not so easy...I don't think many people would tuck in their bed sheets if
the bottom of mattresses were made out of razor blades.
It is now time for you to go do whatever it is you do that
puts a smile on that forked up face of yours: drink, read, music, writing,
masturbating in the mirror while screaming your mother's name, eating,
cutting your arm to allow today's pain to freely flow, purge, or going here
to buy my book. For it is Friday.
5.11- The deadline for Askew Reviews 14 was May 15. Key
word: was. The deadline has been extended to some other date.
4.29- Holy crap! Where did the past 19 days go?
Askew Reviews 14: The
call for submissions is on...
4.10- The other day, I post the following on my Facebook
page: “…thinks it would be nipper-jj, man, if men could knock up women
by simply giving them a special look, and there would be no way of proving
who did the knocking. “So, you won’t have a drink with me, huh?
(pause) There you go, now you can’t drink for nine months. See ya!”
And the woman’s only form of birth control would be to wear lead lined
A bit later, an old friend
commented on how wrong the comment is. This got me thinking.
Granny Panties. Men (some
lesbians, perhaps?) are typically horrified by Granny Panties, but if you
think of it, this should not be the case. First of all, if a man is with a
chick and she allows him to spot her in her Granny Panties, then who cares
because if she’s letting him see her in her undies, then most likely
they’re coming off and if they’re not coming off (which would
hopefully be the case should the female be a sister, cousin, etc), why
should one care about her underwear?
Second of all, Granny Panties
are called Granny Panties because that’s what you hope and want your
Grandmother to employ as undergarments, as opposed to a thong or something
crotch less. Am I right or am I right?
Besides, I think using the name Granny Panties is just a way of
enhancing the stories you tell your mom about the times you got laid.
It's Friday...go git'cher Granny Panties!
Don't fergit about 14's deadline and
4.3- Even though they are allowing me in, all the cool
people will be in
tomorrow at 4 to see Chanticlear / Jonee
Earthquake Band / The McGunks / Kermit’s
Finger / The Paraplegics at The Midway. $5/all ages. You'll be out by
8 and well primed for the rest of your debauchery filled night... I just
finished watching the fine HBO series Deadwood and really think Richardson
deserves his own mini series, if not exclusive show...Many of the bits in
this season's Family Guy episodes are running way too long, so I think,
anyway...I recently received a pornographic move to review titled,
"Cougars 2." The female cast are aged in their early thirties
with one being thirty-nine. God...There is nothing funnier than a person
flippin' the bird to something nonhuman... Instead of "an
apple a day keeps the doctor away," it would be better if "a
cheeseburger a day keeps the doctor away" was the rule...It has
arrived and the time is now. Forget it all and live. The weekend is a
nonjudgmental beast. It is our duty to rape it and leave it for dead.
Along with its rebirth in seven days, it will forgive and forget.
Check out our Submissions
3.25- Askew writer Mighty Ben Hunter was once in a band,
The Medveds. Their last
release was almost 9 years ago. They broke up shortly after. Now, they
have a website as they prepare to release another CD: www.themedveds.com
Askew Reviews is looking for a few new faces to review DVDs. Please
look over our site to see what type of crap we cover.
If yer looking to review Tom Cruise’s latest or the upcoming
Transformers movie, you’ll be disappointed. Instead, you’ll get old
fare grindhouse erotica, horror, and other low budget/independent
There is no pay.
If interested, please send a very brief bio and samples/links to
samples of reviews you’ve written.
3.17- Check out a poem I, Denis
Sheehan, wrote over at Gloom
Cupboard. It's called Slowly Lonely is the last one on the
page. They certainly practice "saving the best for last." They
3.16- Track Wreckard V now up over at Double
You Double You Double You Dot Bone Print Dot Com, for those who like
3.6- Piss off already, it's Friday.
this pocket zine may be small and compact in size, but its content packs a
mighty punch of humorous and possibly (if you’re a PC wussy) offensive
content. In today’s overly sensitive zine world, reading a zine with a
little slap was a definite whiff of fresh air as too many choose to coddle
their cliques rather than provoke. No, jagoff, the “offensive” stuff
isn’t out of hatred, but instead humor. Someday, everyone will know the
Gum 7 consists of a few letters, few pieces, and a few reviews
that had me sporting an ear to ear grin and left me wanting more. Hey, I
enjoyed this zine so much, it made my Track
IV! Details: Urinal Gum 7.
42 pages (approx 5.5”x4.5”). Available for $2 within US/$3 outside.
P.O. Box 1243
Apropos of zero: Why do all female burps sound like helium
burps and/or midget burps...and in some cases, small dog burps? Feeegin'
Here's a book review!
2.23- Feast, Feast 2, and Feast 3 are required watching
for the gore fan and for those who like stuff over the top. Such fun...
2.18- Those who know me are well aware that I do not
high five. No matter the situation, I do not high five. When those sitting
in the row in front of me at Red Sox or Bruins games jubilate over a run
or goal and try to high five, I refuse. If my daughter is excited and
tries to high five, I turn the other cheek. Nieces and nephews get the
same. Women after sex…well, there’s no opportunity for high fiving
because the female is typically throwing up or in the shower crying. Even
my crafty brother will try and fake me into a high fiver from time to
time. Doesn’t happen. For years, a guy (RIP) I worked with tried the
same. Failed every time. However, and this is a big however, last
Wednesday night, I high fived over the table while eating with my
ex-manager/friend at The Cheesecake Factory. You see, I hadn’t seen her
in almost three years and was very happy to hang out with her and she just
threw it up there mid conversation and I, shamefully, returned it. I know!
And, and, and it’s not like I did it thinking maybe it would lead to sex
because she’s a lesbian. This has really shaken me up and I can not
believe I did it. I wonder if there’s a support group for this kind of
The Sinful Dwarf is finally receiving a well deserved
and legit US release. When I typed this, I thought I had a review
(appeared in an early Askew Reviews) of this flic and was going to link to
it, but I can not find it. I know I have it somewhere…Anywho, it’s a
1974 Eurosleeze/shocker about a crazy dwarf and is one zany movie.
2.9- Three "issues" of my Track Wreckard
have been posted, in PDF format, over on Bone
Print Press. These silly things were written after a lot of drinking
and are unproofed. One and two have been around and had been posted
elsewhere, but three is brand new to the world. If you thought my book had
great fun, indeed! You must partake.
I just finished the Screamland
comics (issues 1-5, Image Comics) and found the series rather grand.
Frankenstein's Monster, the Wolfman, the Mummy, and Count Dracula are
basically unemployed (due to CGI and slasher movies) and dealing with
various issues, but are soon reunited to star in a new movie. Entertaining
story, funny stuff, and great art...
Time to start thinking about your written submissions
for Askew Reviews 14!
I'm busting it to get my second book finished, but let us not
fergit about my first book over at Bone
More selfish news: I've me a piece in the latest Gonzo
Here's a DVD review for those
who dig women.
Time for you to leave this screen and go do stuff.
1.16- I think, had he lived to a seasoned age, Heath
Ledger would've looked like Harvey Keitel.
Here's a book review.
Enjoy the weekend.
1.14- And here is a
This year's AVN Awards (held Jan 10) included a new category,
"Clever Title of the Year," and here are the nominees:
Strollin' in the
's Next Top Tranny
Bareback Mount Him
Charlie Wilson's Whore
Daddy! Please Stop F*cking My Friends!
Get That Black Pussy, You Big Dick White Bastard Mutha F*cka
Granny Is F*cking Grampa's Fanny
I Was 18 50 Years Ago
Leave It in Her Beaver
My Daughter Went Black and Never Came Back
Oh No! There's a Negro in My Mom!
Sasha Grey's Anatomy
Show Me Where It Squirts.
And the winner: Strollin' in the
I found this to be hilarious, which is why it's posted.
1.2- Cheers to the New Year!
I'm being nice and putting a DVD
review link here just incase you do not want to read my below
December 31, 2008 saw the likes of a fairly mean storm that
dropped almost 10 inches of snow on top of
, including my
town. Once the storm ceased at approx 7pm and my driveways were clear, my
daughter Reilly and I jaunted off to a nearby hill (dubbed “Big Hill”
by Reilly) for some night time sledding.
The sledding was fun,
but since the snow was extra light and fluffy, the coasting was kind of
slow going riddled with flake blowback. However, hauling up and down the
hill made for one early bed time on this New Year’s Eve.
Come 9 AM the next
morning, we were back out hitting Big Hill. It was cold and very windy. At
one point, the wind stole Reilly’s sled and threw it all the way back up
the hill pinning it against a chain link fence. One chap wasn’t as lucky
as his sled was thrown over the fence and carried across the baseball
outfield to about second base. As the kids went up and down, I built a
nice ramp that became fairly popular.
Two hours later, we
headed back home frozen solid.
3 PM and we’re making
our first run down a now crowded Big Hill. The ramp I had built earlier
was still alive, but needed some help so I rebuilt it. While the age range
of the kids sledding varied, I noticed an awful lot of kids five and
younger enjoying the hill with their parents. However, try as hard as they
did, it was almost impossible for the youngins to enjoy themselves as the
parents continually yelled, “Are you alright? Are you alright?” It was
insane. Most of the time a kid would simply roll onto his or her side but
the parents reacted like a partial decapitation had just occurred.
The one time a kid did
get hurt, and I mean it hurt me just to see it, was due to an overzealous
adult. Since Big Hill was littered with kids on sleds, the puffy snow had
become more slick and hard. One guy about the age of 45 placed his nephew
on a saucer sled and not only gave him a monster shove down the hill, but
he spun the lil’ bugger as if he were trying to get into the Price is
Right’s showcase showdown. As the kid went screaming, both in velocity
and lung capacity, down the hill, the spin was too much for him as
centrifugal force tried to quarter his legs and arms from his torso. At
this point, the guy was running down the hill after the life sized
pinwheel. As the screaming kid neared the end of the smooth run, he hit a
rough patch of snow that knocked the saucer sled about causing the boy’s
head to slam several times against the hardened snow. There was some
blood, tears, and mild swelling, but after taking a break, the kid
continued his sledding enjoyment.
7 PM and Reilly and I
are making our last trip to Big Hill for the day. When we arrived, it was
dark, but the clear sky allowed the moonlight to brighten up the snow
covered terrain. Also, Venus was brightly shining and really standing out
in the winter sky. There was one other family using Big Hill; a husband
and wife, an older kid maybe 12, and a small toddler about 4. As I
repaired the ramp again, I over heard the father constantly asking the 4
year old if he’s ok. Ug. On the other hand, the guy was totally ignoring
the older kid, who later called the guy “Steve,” and was obviously
anther man’s child. I found the guy’s constant babying of the little
kid funny only because as he asked the child face to face about his well
being, he was smoking a cigarette and blowing the smoke into the kid’s
Time passed and the
ramp was awesome, but I held off on trying it fearing my 205 pound
statuesque (museum quality) frame would squash it. However, my thoughts
changed after seeing the smoking guy take a run down the hill and over the
ramp, and other than sounding a large “thud” when hitting the ground
after sailing off the ramp, all appeared ok.
My first run down I
used my daughter’s boogie board and went down in a kneeling position
while holding onto the handles in front of me. I launched off the ramp and
landed a bit off center causing me to tumble and crashing my shoulder hard
into the ground. I hit the ground and didn’t budge; just stuck there
like a stick in the mud.
For my second run, I
sat on the board crisscross applesauce (Indian style) and really caught
some good air after leaving the ramp. When I hit the ground, I hit it
square with my butt and was shocked that my spine didn’t shoot through
the top of my skull, because that’s what it felt like. No wonder the
smoking guy only used the ramp once.
12.23- Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. Be safe, have
fun, and don’t be stupid. Cheers!
12.12- Cheers to Bettie Page.
Buy Askew Reviews 13 and A
Nobody's Nothings for $10! Paypal to firstname.lastname@example.org
Here's a DVD review.
The weekend is upon us...
11.28- What I
watched last night.
11.26- This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for indoor
plumbing and chick
11.14- Pepsi + Jameson + Denis = Tonight.
11.7- Last Monday, I was looking around my attic and
found a black & white, wallet size, picture of a girl wearing the
uniform of the local Catholic school. Not wanting to throw away this old
picture, I posted the picture on one of my town’s online bulletin boards
and after a few days, I now have the girl’s name and mailing address.
The picture was taken in the mid 1950s and its subject, now in her 60s, is
. I suppose the internet is good for something after all.
Before I found that picture, I noticed a large box of vinyl albums
left by many previous owners ago. The box contained about 50 lps and I
posted the most amusing ones over at the Askew
Now, thanks to Mighty Ben,
here's a CD review.
The weekend is ours.
Now go away and hit the weekend.
10.17- Here's a DVD
review that may interest those into art film and/or gay cinema.
Pimp Time: Buy Askew Reviews 13
for $3. Buy my book, A Nobody's
Nothings, for $10 and get the zine for free. Such a bahhhgin.
The weekend is here and now you should go away and do something to
yourself or someone else.
10.16- Yep, been a while. Some of it my fault, some of
I am finally able to update this site, but I have nothing in the
chamber (even though I have tons of reviews to post). Instead, I'll offer
quick updates to the 9.19 Tales of Love.
The Blossom: Last I heard, things are going well.
The Wilting: Though I haven't seen the guy or girl since the fight,
I did see the police over there the other day.
The Compost: The man is still staying with his parents and Sunday I
saw him crying his eyeballs out while sitting in his truck. That can't be
You can read a pretty good review (and a bunch of great short
stories) of my book in the newest Chiron
Review, but you'll have to buy it since it's not online.
Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds = Good DVD.
The Happening = Waste of Your Time.
9.19- Three Thursday Tales of Love.
The Blossom: A friend of mine went on a blind date Wednesday night
with a man who she says is very nice, but is also her ex-husband’s
doppelganger. She kissed him and there will be a second date, but admits
she will need to get over his familiar looks if the relationship is to
proceed. Thursday morning, as she told me about the date, she sounded
excited and up beat.
The Wilting: From my bedroom window mid Thursday afternoon, I
witnessed the young lady (early 20s and hot) who lives across the street
try to get into her apartment, but was being held back by her
husband/boyfriend who refused to let her in while tossing her clothes out
the door. After a few minutes of trying to get in and dropping rather loud
“F bombs,” the girl gave up and retrieved her strewn about clothing.
Once her clothes were in a relatively neat pile, she sat on the front
The Compost: Four weeks ago, my neighbors (married couple in their
mid to late 60s) drove their camper thing up to
to visit family. A week after departure, I noticed the couple’s son, 45
or so, spending nights at the house. Today, Thursday, my neighbors
returned home and I spoke with Pops about the vacation. Near the end of
our conversation, he told me his son “had a beef with his wife and is
staying with us…”
Have a great weekend.
9.17- Two new comedy DVDs you may want to watch: Brian
Regan: The Epitome of Hyperbole and Bill
Burr: Why Do I Do This. If you check out Bill Burr, make sure you
either watch the DVD or the secret stash version on Comedy Central to
avoid the censoring of swear words. Brian Regan doesn’t swear, so there
are no worries about those annoying beeps. Both DVDs had me rolling.
I am by no means an animal rights activist, but this
douche gets what he deserves.
9.12- While walking to the bank today, a Styrofoam cup,
propelled by the wind, bolted by me and was carried into the busy street
that ran perpendicular to our side street. The once mighty cup was not
only instantly squashed by the tire of an automobile; it stuck to its
squisher and went for a ride. It’s amazing how life for humans is much
the same as that Styrofoam cup’s adventure: one second you're flying and
the next you’re knocked flat and for a loop. However, as humans we are
able to get up, flip off the car, and carry on with vigor. Not the same
can be said about that cup. It’s good to be human, and not Styrofoam.
This CD review qualifies for
at least a partial "ouch!"
Git to the weekend, already!
9.7- While enjoying a fine lunch yesterday, I was able
to try Mayflower Brewery’s Pale Ale and it was very good. Mayflower
Brewery is a fairly new
craft microbrewery located in Plymouth, MA, which is not far from my house
and I hope to visit the place sometime soon. The Pale Ale is Mayflower’s
flagship brew, but I for one can not wait to try their I.P.A. I certainly
hope you can make the connection between Mayflower and
9.5- If you look to your left, you'll see some new menu
options: Submissions and Zine
Trades. Please do take the time and become familiar with the choices,
then pass along the information to every single person you know now and in
the future. The new Submissions practice is a big change for Askew Reviews
and it's one I think will enhance the zine. The Zine Trades is just a way
to expose other people's zine work.
Here is a DVD review.
8.30- Recently watched:
The Hammer- Adam Carolla stars (also wrote the story) as a
down and out construction worker who gets a second chance at a boxing
career. The movie is cheesy at times, but loaded with Carolla's dry and
sarcastic humor, which I find most entertaining. Also features music by
The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Bad Religion, and Social Distortion.
Rogue- A giant croc eats sightseers in Australia. Finally, a
horror movie that is not ruined by comedy or crappy CGI. One of the better
"large animal" movies. Stars Radha Mitchell...come to me...
Doomsday- Futuristic thriller mish mash of Escape From
New York and The Road Warrior with lots of blood and guts.
British dialog is thick and muddled beneath the overbearing
Cannery Row by John Steinbeck. Like there's anything left to
be said or written about this classic.
Sweet Thursday by John Steinbeck. Picks up where Cannery Row
left off with a handful of new compelling characters. Suzy...come to me...
Awaydays by Kevin Sampson. Follows a month or so of a 19
year old soccer hooligan in England. Good up and down emotional roller
coaster of an evolving kid stuck between brawls, sex, and wanting a better
life for himself and family.
recently traded zines with Christina-Marie Wright, the publisher/editor of
Parenting out of Chelan, WA and liked it so much I had to blurb off
about it. The zine includes pieces and drawings concerning kids, parents,
and parenting. Each piece has its own point of view and is entertaining
and often funny, sans the serious “What Makes a Mother?” which will
boggle the mind of any sensible person. While reading Christina’s
“Step-Wives: The Good, the Bad, and the Butt-Ugly,” I laughed mighty
hard more than once causing those around me at the bar to glance at me
like I was a loon. Parents or soon to be parents, especially women, will
get a kick out of Gonzo Parenting. All contributors are women, but I am
going to try and change that for the next release.
Here's a DVD review.
8.11- Having computer issues stinks.
Here's a new
review of my book, and here's a
8.6- The other day I sat on my front porch and read a
book while listening to the punk channel on Sirius Satellite Radio (I've
me one of those cool outdoor speakers that look like a rock-awesome). From
time to time my attention would be diverted to the goings on in front of
and around my house. At one point the ice cream truck drove by and when it
was several houses down the street, the little boy who lives across the
street bolted out of the door and chased the truck. Try as he did, and he
was flying, the ice cream truck drove out of sight. As he ran and realized
his chase was failing, the lil' boy began to yell/cry louder and louder in
short bursts of yelps sounding similar to the noise a dog makes when hurt.
Finally, the boy stopped running and turned around crying and yelling,
"Stupid ice cream truck!" He is young but will soon see how many
of life's chases end in disappointment, but those disappointments make the
successful chases all the sweeter.
About an hour later, a father walked by pushing his young daughter
(guessing 2) in a little car stroller. When they reached the end of the
street, the little girl wanted out of the stroller and refused to sit
down. Instead of simply holding his daughter's hand and walking with her,
the man picked up the girl, snarled, yelled at her, and even gave her a
little shake that nearly made start with him. He then jammed the girl back
into the stroller and hurriedly walked away with the screams of his
daughter echoing. If this father couldn't handle something as simple as a
walk with his daughter on a nice day, how's he going to handle it when
things get tough?
As the cries walked out of my hearing range, the guy across the
street burst from his house arm in arm with his new girlfriend (who makes
Olive Oil look like one hefty mama). Together they beamed smiles and
walked together like co-joined twins to a destination unknown to me.
As a rather attractive woman walked by me, she was maybe 15 feet
from me, Lee Ving (Fear) sang, "...cockroaches on the walls,
crabs crawling on my balls...oh, I'm so clean cut, I just wanna fuck some
slut..." (from "I Love Livin' in the City")
I wonder if she heard it. I kind of hope not. Though, it is a
great song and maybe she would've liked it.
Here is a DVD
8.2- Rare Saturday post: A
8.1- Visit Kitten
Coffin Zombies and vote for Shells
Bells, who was the cover girl for Askew Reviews 11 (I also interviewed her
in the same issue). After registering (simple process), you can vote once
a day until Aug 15.
busy stinks because being busy just stinks and being busy makes time go by
fast and we all know time doesn’t need help with speed as its foot is
already pedal to the metal, damn it.
7.16- While Pah takes his monthly bath in the rusty tub
sitting in the front yard, go read this DVD
review, you big city schooled smarty overalls.
is one bad bike crash.
7.4- Ladies and Gentlemen, The
Declaration of Independence.
for this Fourth of July Weekend:Why is the Spider
Monkey not represented along with the Chimpanzees, Gorillas, and
Orangutans in The Planet of the Apes movies?
Here is a CD review.
6.27- Many moons ago, while working construction, I was
hanging sheetrock and plastering an addition built onto a house. After
completing the upstairs, we moved downstairs to finish up a couple of
walls. Since this work was in part of the house where the family lived,
the homeowners engaged us in conversation. It was the typical chit-chit
that even included the man of the house saying while holding a large
plateful of dry orange pasta, “Ever try to double up on the macaroni and
cheese? It doesn’t work.”
He was a nice guy and came across very gentle for his
Hulk like stature: approx 6’ 5”, 275 pounds, and hands the size
After some silence, the
man asked us, “Hey, any of you guys know someone who’s looking to get
rid of a cigar store Indian? You know, like the one on Cheers? A big one,
My coworkers and I
paused and looked at each other probably all thinking about the odd
question just asked.
“No,” we all
answered in unrehearsed unison.
“Why do you want one
of those?” my coworker John asked.
“I don’t know.
I’ve always wanted one. I have that one over there, but it’s too
We looked to where the man pointed and spotted a small
wooden Indian statue standing maybe 18 inches. The statue appeared to be
one of an Indian chief with full headdress.
“I mean it’s great,
but too small. Just not the same,” he continued.
The man’s wife shook
her head and walked into the kitchen.
“What are you going
to do with a big one?” I asked.
“I don’t know.
Stand next to it. It’ll be great,” he answered.
I never saw that man
again and can’t help but wonder, even after all these years, if he was
ever able to stand next to a six foot tall cigar store Indian that he
could call his own.
Here's a DVD review.
It's the weekend. Mighty Ben is off to the place of his birth and
childhood to see his beloved Cleveland Indians play a game. Me? I'm off to
the Kidz Bop concert with my daughter (7), niece (6), and another niece
(5). Me, three lil' girls, and no beer or booze. It really seemed like a
good thing at the time. Have one for me, damn you.
6.20- On Tuesday night, I was belly up to a bar drinking
a few and eating some food served by one hell of a cutie. I arrived at 7
and watched the Red Sox game until the channel was changed at 9. Of
course, they just had to put on the Celtics/Lakers game. This highly
annoyed me because the Sox winning a regular season game in mid June is
ten zillion times more important to me than the possibility of the Celtics
winning the NBA title. However, the drinks were nicely flowing so I
decided to stick around, even though the stupid basketball game was on the
only tv in the place. The bar was full, but only a few people were
watching the game (this place isn’t a sports bar). However, one guy at
the other end of the bar was into the game and obviously buzzing hard
because he repeatedly cheered the replays. He wouldn’t cheer the real
time plays, only the replays. Funniest thing about this was he really
thought he was cheering real time and would abruptly cease cheering once
he realized it was the replay. Ah, to find the positive in a negative. I
found this hilarious, but still only made it through the game’s first
On the book front, someone of
high standing in the poetry/beat/small press scene wrote a great review of
A Nobody’s Nothings
that’ll be published in a well-respected long running magazine. However,
I cannot quote it until it’s published! Something for me to anticipate!
I am working to have my second book available January 2009. I could have
it out earlier, but it makes more sense to do it 1-09. I have whittled the
list of possible titles down to two, so now the hard decision looms.
I watched National Lampoon’s One, Two, Many,
which starred and written by John Melendez (formerly Stuttering John from
The Stern Show). About a man who wanted a girlfriend who would allow
another woman into their sex life, the movie does have several laughs and
was honestly ok. National Lampoon could’ve put a tad bit more money into
the sets as they be mighty cheap looking. It’ll be interesting to see
what Melendez comes up with next.
Links you should visit: Askew’s
Myspace, My Book’s
Myspace, My new photoblog,
Mighty Ben’s Myspace,
C. Allen Rearick's Myspace
because he’s distributing some Askew Reviews 13 for me in Cleveland,
same with K-Rod (CA) and Doug
It is Friday.
6.13- When I started Askew Reviews all too long ago, it was
given away for free. As the years passed, the major chunk of the press run
was and is now sold via mail order with smaller percentages going towards
comp/publicity reasons, and always the free distribution. With the release
of Askew Reviews 13, I've noticed
something that has me troubled: most of the places where the free stacks
of Askew would go are no longer around. Used records stores, indi record
stores, small bars, adult stores, etc are fewer and fewer to the point
where I have a hard time offering free zines for the taking. Mighty Ben
use to hit several places around his Boston workplace and he told me most
of his spots are now closed. God knows all of the South Shore joints I use
to hit are long gone. I suppose if Askew Reviews fit with Walmart, Home
Depot, and Applebee's all would be fine, but it doesn't and it's not. So,
if you live near or frequent a place where free zines litter the front
entrance, let me know....
Check out my
photoblog's June 12 entry and watch the brawling yellow jackets I
taped in my driveway.
Here's a book review.
It is the weekend. Get out there and do it before Monday ruins
Hugh Fox (renowned poet)
Ben Hunter (The Medveds)
Brian McCaffrey (Bad Lieutenants)
Douglas A. Waltz (author)
Steve Barker (author)
The Rakish Cad (advice columnist)
Denis Sheehan (doucheface)
Timothy Gager (Boston poet)
Ed Charbonnier (Kermit's Finger)
Brian Mosher (writer)
Greg Oguss (musician/writer)
Richard Nesberg (writer)
The zine runs 48 pages (entertaining cover to
Also jam packed with dvd, music, and book reviews! Plus the usual
nonsense found in Askew's pages.
Order now via Paypal for a simply silly $3! (buy my book
and get it for free)
Or mail the money to the below address.
Cheers and thanks for your support,
PO Box 684
Hanover, MA 02339
6.5- I've done started a photoblog that has nothing to do with sex,
booze, music, movies, or me. Imagine that! Check it out over here.
5.28- Have you noticed that Askew Reviews 13 is available?
Here's a CD review!
5.2- Holy crap, time flies when yer busy. Though I promised not to
put up any reviews until after Askew Reviews 13 is out, I've been a
neglectful douche and shall post this CD
review. 13 is almost done.
As always, please check out my
book and buy the forkin' thing, already!
If you buy crap on Ebay, make sure you avoid user 'the-video-bin'
as they are frauds.
The weekend is upon us, what else is there to write?
4.18- Watched Juno the other day and failed to
see its appeal. Perhaps it’s because I am male and do not get into
dialog influenced by Dawson’s Creek…I find it amusing and entertaining
when competing politicians label the other as “out of touch” with the
people. Trust me, all politicians are out of touch with the people and do
not care about you or me beyond our votes…You will never see a better
television show’s finale than the third season of Battlestar Gallactica…I
really think Daniel Day Lewis is the best actor of our generation…Mike
Ness of Social Distortion is performing solo shows all over America,
except anywhere near the Boston area. Fyck…Forget about banning smoking
everywhere, let’s start discussing banning talking on cell
phones…Though an elected politician gets the last laugh, there is
nothing more pathetic than a running politician pandering for votes…I
recently started a book that I thought was nonfiction, but about halfway
through I discovered that it is actually fiction written like it’s
nonfiction. I suddenly find myself a lot less interested in the book, but
it is good enough to continue reading. I am not sure what I want to do
about it. Life is hard sometimes…I think I am going to write a movie
about a cannibal who likes Italian food and gorges on spaghetti and
testicles…Unless there is booze in it, I am not a big drinker of soda.
However, this red Mountain Dew stuff is damn good…If you want to know
how people feel concerning social issues, talk to them. If you wish to be
influenced, lied to, and dictated to, read a newspaper…Screw the rest of
my nonsense. Today is the best day, weather wise, so far of 2008…and it
is Friday. Enjoy the weekend! Oh, and check out my
4.17- Since I am busy working Askew Reviews 13 and not posting new
reviews until after the print zine is out, here are links to some of 13's
contributors: Mighty Ben
McCaffrey, Doug Waltz,
Hugh Fox (sorry, no link), Timothy
Gager, Brian Mosher, Greg
Steve Barker, and The Rakish
Cad. Go give 'em hell!
a new review for my book, A
4.4- Still working Askew 13 over here and also making great
progress on my second book. Since I brought it up, check out my
I am a huge fan of pizza and a few months ago a Papa John's opened
in my town. Admittedly, I was all up for trying a new brand of pizza, but
everyone I talk to tells me Papa John's pizza tastes like the underside of
a dirty cow's even dirtier scrotum. What's a curious pizza fan to do?
When he was elected Governor of Massachusetts almost two years ago,
I rambled here about what a dangerous, dangerous man Deval Patrick is to
the working folks, taxpayers, and law abiding citizens of The
Commonwealth. However, I must admit when I am wrong and I was wrong. Since
faux Governor Patrick took office, it has become evident his lack of
testicular fortitude and heart to actually carry out any of his ideas for
a "better" Massachusetts. True, he had a few ideas I championed
that he has also jellyfished, but I'll take the good with the bad. While
faux Governor Patrick is a great speaker and an avid use of some standard thesaurus,
he is far more interested in his own personal gain and what lies in wait
for him after his term has ceased.
Who says reviewing porn doesn't have its benefits? An executive
chef and I recently traded ten DVDs for the recipe of his amazing pasta
dish offered at an award winning and very popular Italian restaurant. Now,
I shall master it...
Last Tuesday night, I met up with Mighty Ben for some beers at the
venerable Solace on Boylston Street in Boston. On my train ride home I sat
next to an older gentleman, late 50s or so, who was tearing through some
stuff he had just purchased: reel to reel concert footage and 15-20 vinyl
lps. Now, I am not sure if what he had is only available in those two
formats as I've never heard of the bands, but I must write that, in my
opinion, vinyl records sound so much better than anything digital. Of
course digital recordings are far more clearer, easier to use, and comes
with all sorts of options, but vinyl records have a depth to them digital
just can not capture. Same goes for camera film versus digital cameras.
The depth can not be compared. I have no where to go with this, but it was
really cool seeing someone so happy and excited over that stuff while
surrounded by those using iPods, other mp3 players, etc. Of course, my
sole source of entertainment, drunk texting, was squashed by being in
tunnels. I need a breathalyzer on my cell phone.
Although my entire week is a weekend, I am glad the weekend is
here. I am done here, go in peace.
3.26- Ad Deadline for Askew Reviews 13 is April 25, 2008. For rates and more information,
please send me an email: email@example.com
I recently finished Steve Martin's new book, "Born Standing Up: A
Comic's Life" and it is one great book. Due to nothing being said or
written about his stand-up work for about 30 years, I've always been
interested in it...and now I know.
Former Askew writer, comedian John
Turco (also my long time cousin) is opening his own comedy
club in Pawtucket, RI. Do check it out because the only thing funnier
than John's stand up act is his face.
3.11- Over the weekend I watched The
Rage (directed by Robert Kurtzman- formerly the "K" in KNB
Special Effects) starring Andrew "Wishmaster" Divoff (also had a
reoccurring role in Lost) and Erin Brown, aka Misty Mundae. The movie is
basically action packed, aside from maybe 15 minutes of boring back story
flashbacks, and loaded with gore, albeit some of it cheesy CGI. The point
of this useless rambling is my beloved Misty Mundae. Known for her
countless b-movie roles and softcore action, Misty has left world of no
budget projects for more mainstream fare (see Sick Girl in the Masters of
Horror series) and is doing pretty well. She's avoided shedding her
clothes, though she does have a sexy underwear scene, and has really
worked on her acting. However, near the end of The Rage, she lets
fly a few bad screams that rival the badness, and hilarity, of the shower
girl scream in the faux movie that opens the Brian De Palma/John Travolta
1981 thriller, Blow Out. Ayup, I had the same reaction to Erin's
scream as Travolta had to Blow Out's scream. Also, Misty's only hardcore
Strangler, has been re-released in separate 3 DVD and 2 DVD
editions. The movie is rough and pretty sucky, but Misty goes hardcore and
therefore is one of my favorites, ever.
For you bananas living on or near Massachusetts South Shore, I ate
at this place
last night and it is damn good. The sirloin steak tips are tender and most
yum, cornbread stuffing awesome, asparagus gratin tasty. For an appetizer,
we ate onion rings (of course) which were just ok. However, the rings come
with this smokey onion relish that was so good it nearly made me want to
kill someone. I love Harpoon IPA. Oh, if you choose to hit this place,
hold your nose when walking through the parking lot because the owners of
this otherwise fine establishment obviously do not have a grasp on their
septic system. And to ramble even more, hauntings supposedly riddle this
Though I was impressed with its editing and cinematography, Into
the Wild (directed by Sean Penn and adapted from the Jon Krakauer
book) is a snorefest. Eddie Vedder's constant droning on certainly did not
help; cheer the fyck up!
Yesterday I started Steve Martin's new book, Born Standing Up: A
Comic's Life and tore through 70 pages without blinking an eye. So far, it
is really great and I look forward to the rest of the book.
3.6- Typically, I do not like to refer to past reviews posted on
this simply fabulous site, but Mighty
Ben reviewed a book a few months back and lent it to me to read. While
I loved the book for the exact reasons captured in Ben's review, I can
honestly admit that I have never in my life disliked the main character of
a book as much as I disliked the fella in this
We're in quiet time review wise as Askew Reviews 13 approaches. I am
running flash fiction for the first time in 13 (see the 2.11 post for more info). Contact
me if you’re interested.
The weekend is here and we all shall live.
3.4- I wonder why a french fry flavored beverage does not
2.29- Sad news out of the independent film scene: John Polonia,
half of the filmmaking Polonia twins, died of a heart aneurysm the other
day. He was 39 and leaves a wife and young son.
John Turco, one time Askew reviews contributor, stand up comedian,
and my cousin, has redesigned his
website and boy-oh-boy does it look good!
Enjoy the weekend. Mine is full of pahhhteeees! Well, birthday
parties for my daughter and niece, but pahhhteeees nontheless.
2.25- Why is it when someone has the last name Wood or Woods, it's
always spelled Wood/Woods and never Would/Woulds?
Since we're in the reviews "quiet time" (have to keep
things unpublished for Askew Reviews 13), I'll share my thoughts on yogurt
I bought yesterday. While at the supermarket, I was gazing at the endless
amounts of yogurt and was caught by the flavor "Boston Cream
Pie." I love Boston Cream Pie: desert, donuts, muffins, etc. So hey,
why not try this brand of yogurt? I bough the container, which turned out
to be the Weight Watchers brand, and just now finished it. Let me simply
write that this stuff doesn't have a hint, not a hint, of any taste
resembling Boston Cream Pie. If I were a big fatso, I'd rather stay over
weight and risk heart disease and diabetes than eat this slop.
As you may have figured out due to the lack of posts, I’ve been busy
and, well, lazy. I’ve set a Feb 29, 2008 deadline for Askew Reviews 13.
I am looking for some new blood to pen a column about anything as long as
it’s interesting. I am also running flash fiction for the first time
(see the 2.11 post for more info). Contact
me if you’re interested.
Act quickly, for there are only a few hundred thousand copies of my
book left. Act quickly before they run out in 2057.
I am thinking about hitting my favorite local dive tonight and
sitting at the bar alone drinking Smithwick’s
Ale from the bottle using only a purple straw.
The weekend arrives in few hours and I have zero responsibilities
'til Sunday night. Yikes.
Calling for Flash Fiction/Nonfiction 250 words or less to
stick in Askew Reviews 13. Must be 250 words or less and can be anything
other than sexually graphic material. Should you
choose to submit, be sure to include your name and website (or other
contact info) that’ll be published with your 250 or less words. Please
do not send previously published material. Come up with something new,
it’s only 250 words. No, you will not receive money or sexual favors, but I’ll send you a copy of the zine
to show mother. Get it in by 2.29.2008: firstname.lastname@example.org
2.4- As if your life isn't already cluttered with too much
nonsense, now you have to add this
interview with me to the mess. (as of 2.11, you have to scroll down
and find my interview, if interested.)
1.29- If you're into small press, this
is one cool DVD.
1.25- It is the weekend and unless you are having naked cybersex
with someone you think is hot but is really a gross slob, you should not
be on the Internet. Go on, piss off and get pissed (pissed as in drunk,
not angry pissed).
1.23- Apparently, I wrote this CD review
Friday/Saturday. I honestly have no remembrance of it. However, I do
remember writing a story during the same time...
1.22- Mr. Woodcock- waste of time.
Good Luck Chuck- few good laughs, lots of boobies, but not
worth your time.
Death Sentence- stars Kevin Bacon. See 1974's Death Wish,
but add some good gore.
Seraphim Falls- stars Pierce Bronsan and Liam Neeson. Set in
1868, man hunts man through the mountains and deserts. Though slow at
times, lots of tension and great scenery make for a purdy good 110
Eastern Promises- directed by David Cronenberg. Bore of a
movie, unless you want to watch Viggo Mortensen brawl buck naked with
franks and beans freely flopping in the breeze.
Rescue Dawn- stars Christian Bale and Steve Zahn. A movie
adaptation concerning the man and his prison camp experience covered in
this great documentary.
Both are directed by Werner Herzog. Dawn is good, but I recommend the
I am reading "Legend of a Rock Star: The Last Testament of Dee
Dee Ramone" (a memoir) and though I am loving it, Dee Dee was one
whiney lil' bitch.
New to Askew, Budd reviews a
Hungarian animated DVD.
1.11- My shaggee had lunch with a friend
yesterday and the friend brought along sex astrology book. The shaggee
read about the male Aquarius, which I am, and was informed that men who
are born under this sign have enormous testicles. Well, the shaggee
didn’t have to look far to see how wrong the book is. My cousin on the
other hand, who is not an Aquarius, holy bouncy boys!
Though I did not understand one major aspect of 3:10 to Yuma,
A guy I worked with years ago recently died. Another guy I worked
with, along with the now dead guy, tried to commit suicide the day after
dead guy was buried. What the hell?
I'm going to be setting a deadline for Askew Reviews soon. If
anyone out there would like to pen a column, run
it by me!
If you like grindhouse/golden age porn/sexploitation, this book
is a must.
The weekend is here and that's all I have to about that.
1.9- Years ago, a company called Video Dungeon provided me
with many movies that are not readily available on the American market.
From banned horror to the grubbiest of adult entertainment, Wilson was the
man. Then without a word, Video Dungeon disappeared. Last week, after
years of silence (which was caused by a nasty divorce), Wilson reappeared
with his new company Cinema
de Bizarre and is once again offering those impossible to find gems.
Shoot 'Em Up, starring Clive Owen and
Paul Giamatti, is pure nonsense, but damn it is a fun movie.
I am halfway through season three of Melrose Place and along with
enjoying the fyck out of myself, I have come to realize that women in the
early to mid 90s wore their pants pulled up awfully high.
Like when I have sex, here's a quickie DVD
1.4- When I
was but a wee laddie raising the ire of the local bogman with typical
boyhood shenanigans, everybody had a dog and unless you saw the pooch
running in and out of their house, you never knew it. Back then, when dog
owners visited other people they left fido at home. Nowadays, dog owners
feel they have the right to bring their flea infested poopbags everywhere
they go, including other people’s houses. You go to a party and there
are seven dogs, none belonging to the host of the party, walking around
and chewing the snot out of stuff and filling the room with the aroma of
freshly bent steaming piles of doggie biscuits. Look, I am well aware that
over the past twenty years society has allowed the pussification of
children who graduate from high school with the reading and writing
abilities of the above mentioned doggie biscuits and a roomful of
“winner” ribbons because there are no losers, no first placers: just
all winners for self esteem sake. But since when have dogs needed to be
coddled, treated like newborns, and dragged around like kids belonging to
a soccer mom all jigged out on caffeine and the day’s Dr. Phil
A dear family friend (been hitting the martini glass hard
over the past 30 years and has probably slept with someone you know) has
decided to share is wisdom via question and answer advice on his newly
build Myspace page.
Ever notice how people that cry the loudest about racism are
the first to drag race into every aspect of life?
Someone (I know who, but shall not offer) recently told my
soon to be 7-year-old daughter what a “queef” is. Reilly, my dottah
(daughter), then asked my niece/her cousin, who’s six, if she knew what
a queef is. Katie answered, “yes, it’s Spanish for pancakes.”
I once had half sex with a woman who is half Asian (story can
be read in my book). Does that
count as sex with an Asian woman?
Though I have many reviews to post, I sense this weekend will
be a great one and shall not be a part of holding you back from beginning
your debauchery, or whatever it is you do for a good time.
12.31- I found some ice cube trays that make my second favorite
type of ice "shapes" (my all time favorite ice things are
machine made and I only know of one place in Massachusetts that has it)
and used them last weekend. Trust me, I was happier than a dog at a dump.
However, the second time I attempted to twist the ice out of the trays,
they BOTH exploded into 80 jillion pieces. Boo. I guess that why they were
being sold at one of those cheepo dollar stores. Ah well, back to boring
square cubes. God, life is tough.
Cheers to you and the new year.
12.28- I lost my hat during a snowstorm two weeks ago, but I found
it after the snow melted.
I watched Hatchet the other night and thoroughly enjoyed the
gore and story. However, I am tired of comedy constantly dragging down
otherwise good horror movies.
Hard to believe Vic Tayback has been dead for almost 18 years.
I lost to my six year old daughter in Junior Monopoly ('lil buggah
didn't land on my properties) then she absolutely kicked my arse at Wii
Bowling (this was the first time either one of us has played). Yes, my ego
is bruised and I may just have to punish her for no good reason.
Life can sometimes be like the enjoyment ceasing and sudden
tangling of the Yo-Yo's twine.
The lid for my trash barrel disappeared one night during a
windstorm. Two days later, as I walked to the bank, I found it in the
middle of the road about a quarter mile from my house.
If I am ever arrested, I hope I am not naked.
Mighty Ben reviews a CD that just
may be his favorite of 2007.
A few weeks ago I listened to Fangoria
Radio on Sirius Satellite Radio and heard perhaps the greatest
nonsensical interview ever with actor Thomas Jane. This guy was so drunk,
but tried to act like he wasn't and it was so damn entertaining. I swear,
my butt crack was even smiling.
Near the end of the "Greased Lightening" scene/song in Grease,
Danny Zuko runs around the car unraveling what looks to be a large roll of
cellophane. What does that mean or signify? I've never understood that
Enjoy the weekend.
12.21- Even though I've been off work all week, there's simply
something grand about Friday and the arrival of the weekend.
Someone I recently met is in an abusive relationship. She, is tall,
skinny and good looking enough. I have never met him, but I've heard that
he's a short loudmouth with issues. Though they fight all the time and he
smacks her around, she always returns. Some time ago, they were fighting
and he sprayed her in the face with Raid. Fearing for her eyesight, she
ran to the bathroom to flush her eyes and he ran to the basement and shut
off the main water feed to the house. She left vowing to never return, yet
two hours later she was posting her love for him on his myspace page and
had returned and left him several times since the Raid incident. Wow.
Fisherman's IPA and Wachusett IPA are both gross.
Here's a CD review
that doubles as a fight review! POW!
I refuse to let you forget about my book.
Now go and have yerself an amazing weekend. I have a week's worth
of catching up because I've been sick, which stinks when you're on
12.19- I've decided to come up with farewell blessings: May the road you travel be littered with good
health, good cheer, and good people wanting nothing more than to put a
smile on that good looking face of yours.
Here's a book review.
12.13 (1:35PM)- In approx three hours, I start my two week vacation
(from work) and it shall be a grand two weeks. Indeed.
Enjoy this book
review and curses to the snow that falls upon Massachusetts today.
12.8- Hall of Fame CD review
worthy of a drunken Saturday night post!
the past year or so, the television airwaves have become inundated with
commercials starring white men pushing various “male enhancement”
products. While this is a blatant example of racism, I very highly doubt
Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton will march in protest. And if you think of
it, from whitie’s point of view, it’s pretty damn prejudice, as well!
Now enjoy the weekend, you weekend slacker, you.
night at M.J.
O’Connor’s Pub in Boston, I ate the greatest buffalo chicken wrap
in the world. I swear it felt like I was having an orgasm in my mouth, in
a nonhomosexual way, of course. On the flipside of things, after ordering
and drinking two pints of Harpoon IPA, the waitress decided to slip me
Harp ale without telling me. I tasted the difference, but didn’t say
anything. Can you handle such written excitement?
If anyone knows the name of
the female singer/guitarist who was playing at the Park Street Red Line
Station ‘til 9 last night (Dec 3), please let me know. She was wearing a
red jacket, black cap, pants, and boots.
Check out my book.
12.4- Ayup, going out for beers with Mighty
Ben tonight and we're going someplace I've never been; should be a
good time. Although, it is purdy cold out there in lovely downtown Boston
and I loathe wearing a jacket, but I think I'll have to sport one today.
Now, the last time we did this, a girl spilled a pint of beer that landed
right inside my left shoe and I got so stewpid drunk I though a good
friend was someone else. Drinking on a more than empty belly is never a
good thing and shall not be repeated tonight.
I was thinking last night while bored to tears watching the
Transformers movie (I hate Shia LaBeouf and it pisses me off that he's in
the next Indiana Jones movie) and felt anguish over the fact that I've
never snorted coke off the lovely bosom of a pricey striper while being
entertained by a live recording of a Barry Manilow concert. I gots to gets
You know, I have no plans this
weekend, but next weekend everyone I know is having a Christmas party. Of
course, these parties are at the four corners of the Earth. Hey, wait a
You know, how do we, the average folk of the world, truly know that
the world is round? If you think about it, all proof of the Earth's
roundness comes from the governments of the world via astronauts, satellite
pictures, etc. What if they're lying to us? Wouldn't be the first lie
they've told. I say we, the average folk of the world, devise a plan to
jack a space shuttle, tell a crackhead the moon is made of crack, shoot
the junkie into space, call him, ask him to look over his shoulder and
tell us if the blue thing is round. Finally, the truth will be known.
Here's a CD
it is fall in New England, the ground is covered with leaves and people
often rake these fallen leaves from their yards and properly, sometimes,
dispose of them. As I drove to pick up my daughter from school yesterday,
I passed an old man raking leaves in his front yard. The yard was maybe
15x20 feet. So what’s the big deal, you ask? The old man raking was
seated in a lawn chair with a walker next to him. This old timer obviously
has trouble walking, yet he found a way and the motivation to rid his
property of dead leaves, in the rain no less. About 20 minutes later, I
passed the old timer again and he had almost completed raking his yard
nearly to the point of not leaving a single leaf to crunch beneath your
Isn’t it amazing how a single person with bad gas can turn a
beautifully fragrant, delightful, and hospitable room into a barnyard
you’d fight to exit in mere seconds?
If I ever come into a ridiculous amount of money and start hanging
with rich snobby fycks, one thing I'll never do is tie a sweater around my
neck. If you happen to see me, maybe at the tennis and wine club, with a
sweater tied around my neck, you have my permission to drive your index
finger right into my arse.
DVD review for all you
Finally, the weekend has gracefully fallen upon our squashes.
11.27- DVD review.
11.21- Thanksgiving has arrived and tomorrow we offer thanks for
what we are blessed to enjoy while stuffing our faces. Let us try to make
tomorrow an event that will live on past this weekend. Let us toy with the
minds and hearts of our loved ones.
While at the dinner table, try saying nonsensical statements
that’ll bring pause to those around you: “This turkey is so good, I
think I just pulled my groin muscle.”
When giving yourself some mashed 'taters say, "These smashies
remind me of what a great comfort food tuna casserole truly is."
Constantly warn those around you that you feel like you’re going
Bring up aging, liver spots, erectile dysfunction, and yeast
Announce to the table that you’re passing on the squash because
it reminds you of a coworker's ear wax..
Later in the day, draw unnecessary attention to yourself by using
swear words when talking with children, or maybe bring up and discuss past
“relations” with ex-girlfriends/boyfriends.
Loudly belch mid-sentence and be sure to hang out your tongue while
Disappear into the bathroom for 45 minutes and return without your
shirt declaring, "Things got messy in there."
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!
Here's a DVD review and here's a CD
11.19- My book has been reviewed.
11.16- Some words
from readers concerning A Nobody’s
Nothings (that would be the book I wrote, ya basturd):
Female: “I read your book, it was great. I
haven't laughed out loud so much while reading a book since I read
"Freak" by John Leguizamo!”
Male: "Your earlier bulletin made me grab the book off
my to read shelf. Now, just three pages deep I can't put it down! This
will be the first book to ever go on tour with me. We leave for Norfolk
tomorrow and I will avoid driving duty best I can just to read this.”
was reading your book at work last night on my break... got the part about
the Irish dude at the Red Sox game, and burst out loud laughing... many
people looked strangely at me. Just thought you should know. I am now the
weird lady who sits by herself, laughing. PS - The book is fantastic!
am LOVING the book!”
“…then, I remembered I had a little black book in my bag....:-) Well,
let me tell you, your book was the BEST ESCAPE from Chucky
Cheese…engrossed in your book, I felt like I was in the corner of the
bar observing those characters first hand. I laughed, I gagged (at the
many sweat, vomit and nasty sex references) and yes, at the end of each
story, I, someway, somehow felt choked up. Thank you for the great escape
at one of America's worst establishments!”"I just want
to tell you what I think of this book you wrote. First, I skipped all the
sex stuff because there's only so much some people can take. Are you
suicidal? Are you an alcoholic?"
Here's a DVD review.
11.13- Cheers to John (see 11.6 post) for winning "The Last
Smart Ass Standing" contest and pocketing 5 grand!
When I was in the second grade, I handled having a tree branch
enter my skull through my eye socket and breaking off inside my head,
I’ve broken every finger on both hands and reset all of them myself, I
once got plaster lime (which can cause blindness) in my eye that was
roughly and hurriedly cleaned out with a large cotton swap as nurses
gagged, I watched scared to death as my daughter was pulled from my
wife’s (now ex-wife) body because her heartbeat was deathly low, I held
the hand of my Grandmother as she breathed her last breath, I helped a
friend as her head swelled to sci-fi channel epic proportions after a
terrible fall, I ignored my bicep as it tore from its tendon to help
complete the task of lifting a water heater…yet as my daughter
experiences her first lost tooth, she ran from school Friday while showing
me her bloody loose tooth, I mean it is hanging from my lil’
sunshine’s gum thread, I nearly passed out. Reilly's first tooth fell
out early, too very early, Saturday morning. Unfortunately, she swallowed
it as she ate a bowl of cereal.
Here's a review of a
naughty DVD that'll have fans of dirty 42nd St slop drooling.
December, I wrote a short story about the day my Grandmother died. This
story is included in my book and for
the first time, I read it to my six-year-old daughter. As I read the
story, I constantly made eye contact with Reilly and she appeared ok.
However, immediately after the last word escaped my lips, tears poured
from her eyes and she cried, “I miss Great Gramma.” It was pretty damn
emotional, even for me.
On the flip side of things, a few hours later Reilly fell asleep on
the couch WITH HER FRIGGIN’ EYES HALF OPEN! It freaked me out and
coupled with her previous sadness, it was perhaps the greatest emotional
swing I’ve experienced since the first time I got laid; another story in
To promote his new movie,
Bees, Jerry Seinfeld has been appearing on every talk show this side of
Joan Rivers’ mouth. Unfortunately, I’ve heard about four interviews
with this guy and he has become one bitter and nasty man. Not only is he
the most overrated celebrity, aside from Julia Roberts, he really needs to
just go away.
Askew Reviews writer (though
he hasn’t done shyt for a few years) and comedian John Turco has made
the final three in WHJY’s "The Last Smart A$$ Standing" and
vote to win $5,000! The man is also my cousin, so do him a solid and
give him a vote-he's finalist #1. If he wins, I’ll make him buy me beer.
11.2- Although a few things come to mind, is there anything better
than falling asleep and waking up what feels like seven hours later, but
when you look at the clock only one hour has passed? That was my night
last night; it happened about three times. It was simply grand.
Yesterday, Massachusetts Senior Senator Ted Kennedy said that he
will not support President Bush's nominee for Attorney General, Michael Muksaey, because of his unwillingness to
directly answer the legality of an interrogation method used to simulate
drowning. Of course, this is his right. However, I wonder if Teddy will
refuse to support Hillary Clinton (should she be the presidential nominee
for the Democrats) due to her unwillingness to answer 95% of the questions
thrown her way. Certainly makes you wonder.
Halloween, nobody was giving out
Charleston Chews! What gives? Made rifling through my daughter’s loot
If anybody out there has watched or watches the movie Reeker,
please contact me. I have a question.
Well, looks like Dog the Bounty Hunter has gotten himself in a
world of shyt by dropping the "nigger" word. You know, one would
think that saying "nigger" is a requirement for people with six
foot mullets, so why all the fuss?
Mighty Ben reviews this spoken word
are some capsule reviews for the last few books I’ve read:
A Confederacy of Dunces
by John Kennedy Toole. Ignatuis Reilly is a grown man who behaves like a
know it all child and injects himself into the lives of those who surround
him, whether they want him to or not. This book is definitely one of the
top five funniest books I’ve read. Written before Toole’s suicide in
1969, the book languished before is publication in 1980.
by William S. Burroughs. Written in 1953, Burroughs writes about addiction
to drugs and being a homosexual. The book is compelling and very candid,
but lacks grit one might expect when reading about drugs and living a life
to support addiction. I really enjoyed Junky, but I got the sense
Burroughs may have felt writing this novel was beneath him.
by Jim Norton. 2007. I think Jim Norton is one of America’s funniest men
and I love the guy. The short stories center around Jim’s experiences as
a stand-up comic, women, and his most notable addictions: sex and
prostitutes. I did find some of the punch lines a bit redundant, but damn
I laughed every time.
The Lone Surfer of Montana, Kansas
by Davy Rothbart. 2005. This collection of eight short stories deal with
very real people in very real situations of loneliness and hope with
blasts of romance, humor, and lots of oddity.
Ham on Rye
by Charles Bukowski. 1982. Through the voice of his alter ego Henry
Chinaski, Bukowski details his rough upbringing, abusive father, and the
plight of being a teenager riddled with acne of epic proportions. About a
year ago, I watched an interview with a drunken Bukowski shortly before
his death and in an instant, he flipped and basically attacked his
girlfriend on camera; it was shocking. After reading this book, I can see
why he had that in him.
10.19- While driving my daughter to school this morning, I stopped
at a four way intersection and watched as everyone patiently waited and
took their turn. No one jumped the gun and bolted out of place. Now, I am
sure most of us, each stop sign had a line about four-six cars, were in a
mild hurry to get to work, school, drug dealer, etc., but everyone
cooperated and the intersection smoothly flowed like a Ted Kennedy Sunday
morning beer shit. This occurrence was not the exception as every time I
pass through this intersection, usually four times a day, it works the
same. Now, why can't everyone just cooperate a little in life to make this
planet a better place. It's not that hard and easy to partake, jackass.
Buy my book!
Like a fist to the face, the weekend is here and it
won't be grand unless you make it so. Hop to it and make Monday's arrival
a life saving event!
Doug gives us a DVD review.
was recently reminded of this story: About
a year ago, I was having sexual relations with a hot female friend of
mine. Although this was our first time together, we seemed to be doing
everything right and really pushed each other’s buttons. No awkward
moments or second thoughts; you have to love that. We started off with
kissing, touching, oral, which led to the bumping of uglies. We shagged in
the ol’ missionary position first, and then rolled over so she could
ride me. After a few minutes and still on top, she spun herself around so
that her back was facing me. Since she had an incredible arse, the site
was stunning and the sex top notch. As she glided herself up and down, she
seductively looked over her shoulder and said, “You like that,
It was that very moment I realized no matter the circumstance, I do
not like being called “pussycat.”
10.10- DVD Review.
10.5- Mighty Ben reviews a
book (and throws in a Q&A with its author) that I'll be reading
lived in my house for almost four years and never has a spider built its
web outside of my kitchen window, ‘til last week. One night, a good size
spider built a web that covered about ¾ of the outside of the window. It
was really amazing watching the spider’s engineering skills at work.
After a few days, the web and spider were gone. Two days ago, a different
spider moved in and built a web. This spider was a bit smaller with longer
icky legs. Yesterday, my daughter and I watched the spider as it wrapped a
bee in its web. Since we had our mugs pressed up against the window, our
snouts were less than an inch from the spider; I have double pane windows,
as I am high class, yes. Anyway, as the spider wrapped its meat, another
bug snared itself in the web and let me tell you that you have no idea the
meaning of lickety-split ‘til you see a spider sprint across its web to
capture prey. Holy crap, lightningman! We watched the spider wrap up meal
number two, then return to the bee and sink its two lil’ jaw things into
and most likely devour the inside of the webified treat. After the initial
yuckness, Reilly and I moved onto other things. A few hours later, I
noticed that the bee was gone from the web, so of course I ventured
outside to investigate the steps that rest beneath Spider Window. Yes,
sure enough, that spider is one damn litterbug.
Do you think some dogs practice racism, well,
I now leave wishing you a drunken (or carb, fat, taste free if
you're into that) weekend and implanting the purchase
of my book in your mind.
notice how much better toast smells when someone else is making it and how
gross popcorn smells when someone else is eating it?
You know, I really do like the Dropkick Murphys and I am very happy
for their success, but if you live within a twenty mile radius of Boston,
there’s no escaping their over exposure. Pretty soon, none of us will be
able to drop a deuce without hearing Ken Casey’s and Al Barr’s awesome
vocals backed with James Lynch’s screaming guitar and Scruffy Wallace
piping the bagpipes and…ah, crap.
This morning I had a new storm door installed and one of the
installers hails from New York and is a Mets fan. When he told me this, I
honestly felt sympathy for him due to the Mets’ monumental collapse over
the past three weeks. Hey, maybe I do have a heart.
If yer a Red Sox fan, the golden road to the World Series starts
tonight. For this round we shall cheer for the Sox to defeat the Angels
and for the Indians to spank the Yanks, not for the sake of beating the
Yankees, but to give Mighty
Ben (he’s from Cleveland) some love before the Tribe fall to the Sox
in the ALCS.
Last night, I had an amazingly hot and sexy woman in bed with me,
bottomless, and I fell asleep. I fell asleep. Yes, you read that
correctly, I fell asleep.
Bug is a good, but whacked
You will now buy
10.2- Though I try my hardest to not put my political thoughts up
here anymore, I am just too annoyed with how these fyck politicians in
Washington DC waste our time, our money, and our energy (hey, they work
for us, the tax payers) bickering back and forth over ads and words spoken
by those who make no difference in our lives. First, The Republicans went
after moveon.org, now the Democrats are hunting Rush Limbaugh. Infuriating!
What we have in Washington is a gang of bloated douche bags who do not
care a shyt about anything other than their wallets and control over us. I
say we vote out every single federally (Dem, Rep, Ind) elected official
until they are all replaced with someone new.
New to Askew Reviews, Dave offers his
(3 Harvard Ave. Allston, MA) is the record (review
be here) release show for Kermit’s Finger. Also on the bill:
Darkbuster Light (Lenny, Dan, Amy )—Opening Acoustic, Kermit’s Finger,
Beantown Boozehounds, Rat City Riot, and The Ugly Fucklings.
I wonder if racial labels transcends to mannequins. For instance,
is a black mannequin simply black or is an African-American mannequin?
White or Caucasian?
This may make more sense to those living in drunkurbia than city
folk as dog owners amongst the former tend to be greater because having a
dog for a pet in the city means you have to worry about the pooch becoming
rat food and being peed on by bums. Then again, in drunkburbia dog owners
have to worry about coyotes and vampire like ticks that will drain Spot of
his life force like a welfare recipient on a block of cheese. What the
hell was my point? Oh, why is it when someone yells for their dog, their
voice inflection alternate between two tones? The first is like a
statement with the last syllable of the dog’s name dragged out: “Luckeeeeey!”
Which is followed by a question: “Lucky?”
Check out my book, damn
Enjoy the weekend, for it begins with a bang: tonight's Kermit's
9.25- I just finished the Dexter: Season One DVD set, and
ferociously look forward to season two's premier Sept 30. Though, Showtime
deserves a kick in the balls for having only one episode on disc 4.
Here's a DVD for
adults who are into 1971 documentary nuttiess.
9.21- Finally, my book, A Nobody's
Nothings, is available for your eyeballs. Buy one (or 20) today and
you'll have it for next weekend's boozefest or to read while at work so
you actually have fun.
Have a great weekend.
9.14- While watching
Californication (one of my favs), I was pleased as fleegin’ punch to see
one of my top three “spank bank” actresses, Pamela Adlon (Luckie
Louie) grace the small screen. Mzzzz. Pamela has been on the show a few
times, but last night she was dressed in nothing but sexy underwear and a
tight t-shirt. Oh ya, it was mighty nice. I immediately got the urge to
call a girl I mess around with, from time to time, who reminds me of
Pamela Adlon: short, black hair, cute lil’ boobies. Now, if I had called
her it would have been for my own sexual satisfaction, nothing else, and I
would not have been thinking of her while banging away (for three minutes)
since I would’ve been thinking of Mzzzz. Adlon. Does this make me a bad
As we discussed the finer points of making tuna casserole (not many
people create this fine cuisine so I am quick to engage in any
conversation about it), a respected friend asked me what brand of tuna
fish I use, “Geisha, always and forever,” I answered.
“Oh, you simply must try the tuna made by Bumble Bee that
comes in the gold and black can,” she offered.
Although I am brand loyal and
really do find Geisha to be the most venerated of all tuna, I investigated
my friend’s recommendation and discovered the tuna she spoke of is
Bumble Bee Prime Fillet Solid White Albacore. I bought a can.
Well, even though it's labeled as “prime” and priced 40% higher
than most other brands of tuna, including Geisha, Bubble Bee’s Prime
Fillet is tasteless and has the consistency of saw dust. I wouldn’t feed
this slop to the Hobo Cats who roam the woods behind my house. Phooey!
Before skipping off to a wonderful weekend, I trust you'll enjoy this
DVD review, first.
9.13- I liked this CD
so much, it get its own daily entry!
9.11- My book, A
Nobody's Nothings, will be available for purchase next week.
Over the past two years or so, I’ve often written about my
hopelessly devoted love for Whole Foods “Chef’s Own” salsa. Well,
the fleegan tree huggers went and not only changed the recipe, but
basically doubled the price of the salsa. Now, the salsa tastes just like
every other salsa out there, and is insanely expensive. The bastard! Yes,
I have dropped the mess from my life. Since the breakup, I’ve been
searching for a replacement and ran two brands through the ringer: Trader
Joe’s homemade salsa and Sister’s Salsa (sold through Hannaford’s
supermarket). Trader Joe’s salsa is rather boring and garlic heavy; will
work as a back-up, but will never find a true spot in my heart, or belly.
The tomato and onion chunks in Sister Salsa’s offering are large and
there’s plenty of fresh cilantro. However, the color is bland and the
vinegar taste (third listed ingredient) is so damn offensively strong, it
made me think I was dipping my chippies in an Easter egg coloring kit.
Opting to eat my chips dry, I tossed most of the salsa.
9.4- I awoke Sunday morning with
absolutely nothing to do. My daughter was on vacation in Hawaii with her
mother and I had no plans ‘til approx 11:30pm. I took this free time to
do about an hour’s worth of small junk around the house, then planted my
arse on the porch to finish the book I had been reading.
As I read the book and
checked out the neighborhood’s going ons, I noticed that a flowering
“thing” to the right of me was covered with about 8000 species of
bees. It was a bit odd looking, but they were over there and I was maybe
10 feet from them, until a swarm of sparrows decided to invade the
flowering “thing” evicting the bees. Rather than attack the sparrows,
the bees decided to call my body home. I was nearly covered from head to
toe with bees, but not a single one chose to sting me. I thought it best
to retreat into my house while gently brushing the buzzing squatters off
Still wishing to relax, I
decided to visit the place that is 100% relaxation to me: the Scituate
lighthouse. Now, to arrive at the lighthouse, there is one way in and one
way out. Once you start the trek, there is not turning back.
As I approached the
area, I noticed an abundance of cars and people lining the sidewalks,
yards, and driveways. I thought perhaps something was going on in the
harbor or maybe the yacht club, or something. Nope. I was wrong. Turns out
the town of Scituate was in the midst of their Labor Day parade and I
quickly became its caboose.
As my driving became a stop
and start crawl, I could see the clowns and police car that ended the
parade. Since I was so close to the end, the spectators were still
standing around and having a great time. Of course, these joyous people
extended their happiness towards me with shouts of “Hey! Look everybody,
it’s a guy in a car!” or “Look, a man wearing sunglasses!” and
some even threw candy into my car and many cheered my passing (passing in
my car, not passing wind or dieing).
Not being one who likes
attention, even though I am a fleeegin loudmouth here, I was not really
enjoying my situation, but I kept my smile and cheers going.
Finally, after being a bee
hang out and a part time spectacle, I sat down on the jetty and finished
my book while watching three guys unsuccessfully fish.
Here's a DVD review for those who dig
8.31- I wonder if the woman I am
currently having sex with, which includes oral treats, would get mad if
she were to find out that I touched my penis with her toothbrush (100%
hypothetical)…I wonder if there is something I do not know about apples,
oranges, bananas, etc. After all, why else would some people refer to
homosexuals as “fruits”…I wonder if as humans evolve over the next
1000 years if A) gay men’s assholes will ever self-lubricate. B) erect
wieners will ever self-condomize. C) a woman’s clit will ever grow a
giant sign declaring “over here, fella.” D) if a prostitute will ever
be able to accept credit card payments by simply swiping a card through
her vagina…I wonder if it’s ok to use an onion ring as a cock ring…I
wonder why the Surgeon General hasn’t set a recommended daily allowance
for women concerning semen consumption. You know that would be my first
action once appointed…I wonder if men would have to wear a penis snorkel
while having sex if we breathed through our blow hole…Other than the
male gawk factor and shock value, I wonder why it’s ok for a fat guy
with big, supple man boobs to walk around topless while it’s not ok for
a flat chested woman to do the same…I wonder why some asshole guys grab
their junk and say to a nearby woman, “You want some of this?” when in
reality, the entire “this” isn’t enough to satisfy her, nevermind
just “some” of it…I wonder if men would be more inclined to snuggle
after sex if once both parties are “happy,” a frosty beer would shoot
out of the woman’s head…
Enjoy the weekend.
8.24- Growing up, one of my favorite
snacks, which were often enjoyed before bedtime, were cheese like sticks
called Tid-Bits. Sadly, this tasty treat went the way of the Dodo some
years ago. Since then, its replacement has been Cheese Nips, which are
superior to and much more venerated than Cheez-It cheese crackers.
Yesterday, I went food shopping and discovered the new Cheez-It Stix. I
bought a box of the new snacks hoping it would mimic Tid Bits. Oh, how I
was wrong. I was wrong. Shouldn’t surprise me though. After all, it is a
Cheez-It product: cheap, no taste, and can only satisfy one whose taste
buds are the equivalent of being deaf. These, these, these so-called
snacks are closely related to those lil’ red sticks used to spread
processed cheese on the crackers found in individual cheese and cracker
packets. Once again, Cheez-It has demolished the competition in the race
for what should never be eaten.
I was witness to an automobile
accident, last night. If I was 100 feet closer, walking in the opposite
direction, and crossing against the light I could have been killed, for
heaven’s sake! Skin of my teeth, baby. Skin of my teeth.
As I walked along the sidewalk to my local liquor store today, a
skinny boy riding his bike passed me going the opposite direction. He was
maybe 13-14, had bushy curly hair, was sporting a half assed 13-14 year
old attempt at a mustache, thick glasses, wearing a sickly green t-shirt
blazing with that recognizable headshot of Jim Morrison, and was riding a
bike very similar to Miss Gulch’s (the de-dit-da-dit-da-dit-da character
in The Wizard of Oz) bike; sans the basket. The entire ensemble struck me
as odd for some reason, but when the young chap attempted a wheelie and
failed, I nearly cried laughing.
Can it still be called “hair pie” even if it's pube free? If
not, then what kind of pie does it become if not hair pie? Why is there no
terminology for a guy and his bush or lack there of?
When I was in second grade, a girl named Joanne developed a crush
on me, which I discovered thanks to my friend Mark, who was her next-door
neighbor, spying her writing my name and her feelings toward me on a large
boulder in her back yard. Being in second grade and afraid of girls (even
more so than I am now), I failed to connect with Joanne. Yes, I was a
second grader with no rap. For third grade, I was shipped off to an out of
town school and did not see Joanne again ‘til high school. Wow, she was
hooooot! Today, I wonder if she’s still hot. So, if you’re name is
Joanne, lived in Hanson, MA next to a kid named Mark who had an older
brother who was accidentally shot, paralyzed, had his wheelchair stolen
while visiting Fenway Park and later died, and still hot, email me.
The weekend is upon us like an out of control
genital rash. My weekend started last night, through today, and continues
with a midnight BBQ tonight…you all have a great few days.
8.22- My daughter is with her mother in
Hawaii for two weeks, which means denis has zero responsibilities ‘til
see returns. Uh-oh. Well there is that work thing, but please…Compared
to other celebrities and the trouble they get themselves into, I find it
refreshing and amusing that Bill Murray got busted for drunk driving a
golf cart through downtown Stockholm… I find it amusing that if I were
to say, “I went with a couple of queens…” concerning a poker hand,
nobody would blink an eye. Yet, if I were to say the same concerning an
experience in San Francisco…Jake’s Seafood in Hull cured my desire for
onion rings…For the past year or so, I’ve been quietly looking around
for a small bar/eatery to purchase. I found the place that I think would
be a great fit, but it’s not for sale. Major boo…The Beltones, both of
their full length CDs available from TKO Records, are great…Last week, I
cleaned my house windows, inside and out, and of course two birds decided
to fly into them leaving smudgy bird prints. Not only that, but another
bird flew into the storm door window at my rental property and shattered
the entire thing…Jim Norton’s book, Happy Endings, is funny…I
am only 100 pages into John Kennedy Toole’s A Confederacy of Dunces,
but I am enjoying the snot out of it…
8.17- Today I received the proof
copy of my book
and it looks great, but it is my book so of course I am going to think
highly of its greatness. I have signed off on the book and copies should
be for sale to the public in approx two weeks!
new DVD, No Refunds, is one funny and thought provoking 65-minute
comicfest on people and society. Doug’s blistering commentary on life is
as hilarious as it is a punch to the snot locker and akin to George
Carlin’s stuff, only more personal. Stanhope’s stuff is like fucking a
chick and realizing half way through she’s on the rag: unpredictable,
sometimes messy, and brings things to an unexpected new level, but the
shock and awe on top of the great time makes things even better. This guy
is currently my favorite comedian and I look forward to seeing him when he
performs in Boston in October.
Are Pom-Poms called Pom-Poms because there are two of the
things? If a cheerleader, or a weird sex date, holds a single Pom-Pom,
does it then become simply a Pom? “Oh my gawd, I like so can not find
like one of my Poms!”
It is Friday. Only a few days ‘til Monday. What are you waiting
8.10- I was thinking; The Rolling
Stones are The Rolling Stones, but they are also known as The Stones.
Being that The Rolling Stones is their official name, would it be ok for
me to call my band The Stones or is it more ok for The Rolling Stones to
have two names since they’ve been around forever and released 800
zillion albums, and such?
In a vicious, unprovoked attack, I was beaned (above the
right eye along my hairline) by a hard and heavy toy, as I tread water in
a pool, launched by my two and half year old godson: the one I call
Butters (he looks like Butters from South Park, though not two
dimensional. I use to call him “Nips” because he has a broad chest and
his nipples are far apart, but I caught too much slack so I stopped, for
the most part.). I was watching my daughter and niece as they jumped off
the diving board and didn’t even see it coming. It hurted and caused a
sweet arse egg to lurch from my skull.
Sometimes, a segment of white pop culture stems from black pop
culture: words, phrases, fashion, music, etc. I often wonder how long does
it take for black pop culture to be jacked by whitie and how soon after
that same pop culture is dropped by black pop culturers.
ICONS Festival (formerly know as the Irish Connections Festival) kicks
off tonight in Canton. MA with a concert featuring Black 47, The Saw
Doctors and The Black Crowes. The concert starts at 8pm, gates open at
7pm. There are many other bands playing, including Dropkick Murphys and
The Tossers on Sunday. Every year this thing is a lot of fun, even the
free kiddie rides!
Here’s a DVD review
thanks to Douglas.
It is Friday and I’ve me a rack of baby back ribs to BBQ, a tub
of my favorite salsa, a bag of my favorite
chippies, some Harpoon
IPA, some Capt, some Pepsi, my
book will be out in about two weeks, and my six year old daughter was
invited to join an invitation only "Broadway for Kids" theater
program. Life is good. Yes it is…yes it is.
8.7- The printer has the files for
book and it's off to the races. I am feeling mightily excited and
nervous at the same time!
If you are a Red Sox fan and like using Myspace, Sawxheads
is for you; it combines the Sox and Myspace...pretty cool.
Here's a CD review thanks to Mighty
8.3- Last night as we celebrated
his birthday, Mighty Ben and I were soaked to the core after a woman
sitting next to us bumped our table spilling both of our pints. Now, the
woman and her man friend were apologetic and nice about the mishap and
even offered to buy a round. However, the wench only bought one pint! I
should have leaned over and asked her if she had two straws for us to
Due to last night and a planned party tomorrow,
yer uncle denis is going to take it easy tonight. I expect all of you to
make up for my slacking.
7.27- Last night, three weeks of acting camp culminated with my six
year old daughter landing the lead role of Goldilocks (you know, the home
invader). Of course, I am one proud mofo, not so much for Reilly landing
the "spotlight" role, but more because this reward was due to
her working hard, doing well, and paying attention over the previous three
weeks. Reilly was so excited about this acting stuff and really gave it
her best which was seen up there on the stage. In fact, all the kids did
very well, even the little evil girl who needlessly hit and bit Reilly.
Great job to the teachers/instructors at Riverside
I saw Knocked Up last week and loved it. It is great seeing
all those fine people from Freaks & Geeks.
Ramping things up for the release of my book, a Myspace
page has been set up for those interested. The book will be out
sometime in August.
Tonight, raise a pint and offer happy birthday cheers to Meaghan!
Oh ya, last Friday was Mighty Ben's birthday, but I'll be taking him out
next Thursday, so you can wait 'til then...
entertained and amused me like a monkey with a squeaky squeeze toy.
It is Friday. It is the weekend.
7.23- Askew Reviews writer Amy Bugbee and her husband wrote an
adult movie (hubby Shane also directed) and here
is my review. Please be over 18 (ya, right).
7.13- My beloved Uncle recently celebrated a birthday, and as a gag
gift, my other Uncle gave him a roll of toilet paper decorated with
President Bush's face. A severe Bush hater, the birthday Uncle declared,
"I'm not going to violate my ass with that man's face."
While in the check-out line at the grocery store yesterday, I saw
two women pay for some basic household food with welfare proceeds. After
that transaction was complete, they used a fat wad of cash to pay for
approx 4 giant steaks, fish, chicken, and three racks of ribs. Must be
friggin' nice. People complain about America, but where else can someone
on welfare afford flashy jewelry and proudly sport giant fake boobs?
I watched Black Snake Moan last night and was most
surprised at how misleading its trailer is. The movie is not what it
appears and I enjoyed it, thoroughly. While I enjoyed the snot out of it,
it was rather tough because my attention was being diverted by the smokin'
hot (inside and out) woman who watched it with me. Damn, couldn't stop
looking at her out of the corner of my eye. Owwwwwwww! Life is good. Yes
it is...yes it is.
As we watched our kids jump through a SpongeBob sprinkler, my
next door neighbor told me how she spent the entire morning shopping for a
dress to wear to a wedding and bought one, but decided to instead wear a
dress she already had. Well, I saw her as she and her husband left for the
wedding and boy oh boy did she make the right decision. I couldn't imagine
a dress looking any better on her...and I mean that with the highest
Over the years, I have randomly posted "Where is Wendy
James?" or "come to me Wendy James." Yesterday, I found Wendy
The other day I saw a television commercial for a razor that
forever stays sharp; no need to replace the blade, ever. As part of the
offer, if you buy one you get one free. My question is, why would you need
more than one if the blade never goes dull? Of course, you also get a pair
of kitchen shears as part of the deal and how they relate to a razor is
beyond my tiny brain.
Amazingly, here's a DVD
review. Golly, I am so behind on reviews.
By George, there's only four bottles of Harpoon IPA in the fridge!
Ah, but I do have a case of the stuff in the basement. However, between
here and there is a black cat, an upright ladder that I must walk under, a
mirror hanging by a thread, and a masked man holding a bloody machete
lurking in the shadows. Ya, I'll risk it. Enjoy the weekend, for Monday
will be here before you know it.